The After
by MsRSX
Summary: A continuation of the ending of MockingJay beginning right after the shooting of President Coin.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I've never written (Or even read, until reading this series) any fanfic…but the ending of MockingJay left me feeling sort of …empty almost…so I went looking for other people's ideas of what would have happened…and started to form my own. I am going to try to write it out. Since I am not a writer this might suck. If it does, I'm sorry

Here… imagine that everything up to shooting President Coin has happened… this starts with Katniss in the hospital room she was taken to after the shooting. The one exception is Finnick, who did not die during the confrontation with the capital.

I slowly come into conscious thought and blink my eyes, trying to light a hand to rub the sleep out of them and realizing that I couldn't move my arm. In fact the longer I was alert for the more I realized I was very much being restrained. I turned my head from side to side and I was alone, strapped onto a hospital bed, and then it came flooding back to me.

I should be dead…my nightlock tablet….I was so close. Damn Peeta, why bother to save me? I had shot the president. My chance to shoot President Snow…turned into an assassination, I searched my mind for what I was thinking and I came to only one thing. My sister…sweet Prim, so young and empathetic, trying to help the children, she would be alive if Coin hadn't bombed the children and then sent our own medic's in to assist knowing that… there was a second wave coming from the bombs. The thought of Prim made me absolutely nauseous and I began sobbing and gasping for air.

An alarm went off on one of the devices next to my bed and a nurse rushed in. She saw me alert and spoke to me, "Katniss, you're awake! I will call Dr. Pollset right away", before rushing out of the room. I continue to struggle to fully inflate my chest, the restraints tight around my extremities.

Within a few minutes an older man walked into the room, I assumed it was Dr. Pollset, and I was correct as he said on a chair and rolled up to my bedside.

"Katniss, I am your doctor, Dr, Pollset, I am glad to see you awake and want to explain where you are and why. You are at the hospital in the capital, you are also a prisoner under detention awaiting trial. At this time it has not been decided where you will be tried, in all likelihood you will be sent back to District 13 to await trial, that is as long as you are medically stable. "He gave me a polite smile and waited for any response.

But inside I was in a panic…tried? Back to District 13? "I should be put to death" I blurt out, hot tears streaming down my face. Dr. Pollset looked down at me and frowned, grabbing his file and scribbling who knows what onto it. He continued to ask me questions but I just stared back at him wishing I had gotten to that nightlock tablet faster than Peeta had gotten to me. The doctor stood up, apparently accepting that I was not going to be responsive, touched my shoulder lightly before turning and walking out of the room.

The next few days went by in a haze. Medical personnel went and in and out of my room turning my from side to side, testing me for everything under the sun, wheeling me out of the room for various tests. I tried to spend as much time with my eyes closed in a state of half-consciousness as much as possible.

Nothing affected me, until the day they allowed Haymitch in to see me. I had been curled on my side staring at my knees, the doctors having unhitched me from the restraints once it was clear I wasn't moving anywhere. Haymitch stood over me, roughly turning me to my back by pulling my shoulder towards him. "Katniss!" He nearly shouted "This is your last day here. I'm here to escort you back to 13". My mouth gaped open when he said this. Why would they want me back in 13? Why not just try and sentence me here? I pushed myself up unto my elbows, amazed at the amount of effort this small move required for me.

"Why?" I gasped, using my voice for the first time since announcing that I thought being put to death was a good idea.

"You're insane sweetheart" he looked at me and shook his head in sadness. Seeing the blank look on my face he went on. "The courts have deemed you mentally incompetent to be tried for the crime of assassinating Coin. It has been decided that you were unaware of your behavior when shooting the arrow, and your behavior here for the past 5 weeks have proven the point. You'll go back to 13 for treatment, until a time when you're capable to living on your own. "

My mind thought back to what I had thought where the last few days, they had really been weeks, I didn't deserve this, why not just end it right here and now. I shook my head rigorously, "Nooo" I sputtered "I can't do this".

Haymitch laughed, "Not really much of a choice sweetheart, we're going to the launch pad. Do you want to get in this wheelchair and we can go peacefully or do you prefer that you're dragged through the halls screaming like a crazy women?" He paused and waited for a response.

I responded by attempting to sit up in the set, swinging my legs off the side. I found my muscle strength greatly diminished, likely wasting from lack of use over the weeks. I closed my eyes and leaned back unto my pillows as waves of vertigo and exhaustion flowed through me. Haymitch pressed a button on the side of my bed and I looked up at him with curious expression.

He shrugged, "Well it looks like you are willing, but maybe not able", I looked confused and he went on, "If you want me to say it…I'm calling for assistance, to get you into this chair." He shot a glance to a wheelchair sitting beside my bed. Not too long ago I had been running through the capital, dodging dangerous pods, and now…well I was unable to even get myself from a bed to a wheelchair on my own.

2 men entered the room and began the process of moving my unto my wheelchair. I sobbed as I thought about all that I had lost. My beautiful little sister, soldiers, regular citizens, and all the tributes I had known, soldiers, the list went on and on. Peeta, whose mind had been poisoned by the capital to love me, and Gale…who designed the bomb that killed my sister. I thought of my mother, how she fell apart after my dad die. We almost starved until I began to provide food for us, how was she faring with one child dead and another gone mad who assassinated the president.

I closed my eyes and was pleasantly surprised to feel medication going into my vein that relaxed me. I decided to try to sleep and drifted off.

Should I keep going or is this not my thing? Yay or Nay...both appreciated :)


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing I was conscious of again was bright overhead lights. It was clear I was no longer on the hovercraft and, turning my head from side to side, Haymitch was gone and aside from a lot of machinery I was alone. I figured I deserved to spend the rest of my life alone, why should I live when so many others have died? This brings thoughts of sweet Prim, rushing into help the wounded children, and then the second explosion and the fires. I gulped, swallowing the tears brimming near the surface of my eyes. I curled back unto my side in a fetal position and allowed the faces of the dead to flash in front of my eyes, just waiting for sleep to come again.

But sleep wasn't coming this time. A doctor stepped into the room and came straight for my bed; he scooted a chair next to my head and plopped down. A name tag identified him as Dr. Chand and he was smiling, as if pleased by something.

"Ahh, Ms. Everdeen, I see you're awake! There are lots of people waiting to see you, but before you can have any visitors we need to make sure that you are stable. While you've been sleeping we've done a number of physical tests, most of your injuries have healed, or are in the process of healing. What worries me is the level of muscle atrophy you seem to have suffered. This is reversible, and can be treated quite quickly, but will require some effort on your part." He pauses here to look at a folder in his hands, as he reads he frown and bites his lower lip. He finishes reading, glances at me and gives a small half smile. "I see here that this atrophy is a result of your behavior while at the Capital, it says here you were unresponsive and would not even feed yourself or speak for almost 5 weeks. Katniss, what are your plans for your time here? You'll stay as long as needed to get you functioning to a level where we can trust you to take care of yourself."

I looked up at the doctor, talking to me so kindly and genuinely wanting to help me, and I spoke, "I just don't know anymore, how could I ever really live?" my tears bubbled over and I squeezed my eyes shut trying to block the world out.

"Katniss, things will never be the way that you used to be, but you will find a new normal. It can be a long and drawn out process, we can put the feeding tubes back in and keep you isolated from those who love you. But we don't want to do that, I don't want to see that. You're a strong young lady, you've been through so much, what is to say that you cannot recover from this too. Can I ask that you try for those who are left with you here?"

I open my eyes and think this over, what are my Mother, Peeta, Gale, Finnick and the rest of them doing? I hadn't thought to much of them, guilt courses through me, and likely shows all over my face as I lift my eyes to the doctor and nod, "OK…for them I can try, but I don't much care what happens to me. After what I've done, maybe I should just be put to death."

The doctor shakes his head, "No Katniss, either no one told you, or they did and you didn't retain it…but President Coin was going to be tried for war crimes, for the bombing of the Capitol children, and then allowing our own medics to be sent in to assist them, to their death" I cringed thinking of Prim again, intent on helping the wounded before the flames swallowed her. "So, of course you're not encouraged to take matters into your own hands your high level of emotional stress coupled with Coin's horrendous acts explain your actions. So as long as we get your mental state back to a place where you don't pose any threat to yourself or others you will live free as anyone else. You're a hero to these people, you'll have all the support you can handle, possibly more." He chuckles and looks down at me again waiting for a response.

His words sparked my interest, where they really planning on trying Coin had I not murdered her? If so...then there was hope for the people here and maybe even hope for me. I had so many questions, but I had a feeling I would need to unfurl myself from my pathetic state in order to find out.

"How about we sit you up and see if you feel like eating?" I nod and he presses a bottom that raises my bed to a seated position. He holds up his finger, indicating that I should wait a moment and walks out into the hallway. I actually enjoyed this, it was the first time I had sat up in the recent past, and while I wasn't quite supporting myself it was a start. I look down on myself and realize how thin I have gotten, worse than when I was pulled from the Quarter Quell arena, it was no wonder I had problems using my own efforts to move.

He comes back with a tray of food and sets it on a tray table that hovers over my lap. I eye the plate and the food on it, trying to decide what I could start with. The doctor eyes me and the tray of food, "Do you want me to sit with you or would you like sometime?" I shrugged and he continued to sit next to the bed.

I began with the roll, shocked at how difficult I find it to move my arms, to chew, and to maintain an upright position. I am disgusted with myself for being such a weak person, physically but more mentally. I realized that even though Snow was dead and the Capitol had fallen, I had allowed them to win, allowed them to ruin me, to take my life from me, they had basically won. I was weak, broken, alone, and dead on the inside. I chewed as I thought and realized how malnourished I was and how much each bite made me feel more and more hungry. I finished off the first roll and eyed the tray and the doctor smiled.

"Why not try the lamb stew? Get some protein into you" he smiles and motions towards the stew. I remember my first train ride, with the delicious lamb stew from the Capitol, and how they were essentially trying to fatten me up for the slaughter. They hadn't succeeded then, was I allowing then to succeed now? Either way, I was suddenly ravenous and tried to slow myself as I ate mouthfuls of the stew, the rice, and the steamed green beans. The food tasted so good, the texture in my mouth so nice. I put my fork down after a time as I was beginning to feel slightly nauseated, and seeing this the doctor pressed a button for the food to be taken away.

"Well Katniss, I see a lot of progress today, your first meal willing eaten on your own today, that shows me that you've got some fight left. All I need is something to work with, something we can build on. You haven't given up completely, I can see that, you're so young, you're going to have a full life after all this mess is over. I don't suppose you feel like talking?"

I groan, feeling my full stomach and shake my head.

"Didn't think so" he grins

"Thank you Doctor" I say and obviously surprise him with my words.

"She speaks!" He exclaims and lets out a chuckle, his laugh almost makes me crack a smile myself, I have a nice doctor at the very least. "Well Katniss, I think this is good for today. Meals will come regularly, 3 times a day. Please try to eat what you can, if you ever find you're hungry between meals please press the button for the nurse", he points to a small panel on the side of the bed, a green button says "Call-Nurse".

He stands up and walks over to a cabinet, he removes a few books and magazine, a notebook and a few pens and walks back over to place these things on my bedside table. "OK, here are some reading and writing materials to help you pass the time. We're not going to be giving you the sleeping drugs during the day, so you'll be awake but confined to this room for the time being". I open my eyes wide… no sleeping medications? How will I ever get any rest? I begin to panic, at the thought of being in an aware state all day, with nothing to do but to remember, alone. The doctor seems to sense my unease and begins to speak again, "You will be getting the medication to sleep in the night time, and in fact you'll be sleeping for 12 hours per day until you're feeling stronger." The relief washes over me, I will get the rest and darkness of the medications I am hoping for.

As he walked out the door he turns to me again, "And Katniss…tomorrow you will have your first visitor as long as you are up for it and making an effort to eat your meals. She is anxious to see you, and I am sure you want to see her as well."

With that he is out the door and I am left with a stack of books, a nurse call button, a bed that goes up and down at my command, and several hours to kill. I think about my visitor, surely it is my mother, who I have not seen since the day… the day that I shot the President, I wonder what she thinks of the situation and of me. Is she disgusted by me? Shocked that she raised a child who would be so murderous and blood thirsty? There was so much I wanted to tell her, I wish I could provide her comfort for the loss of Prim, but it was obvious to me that I couldn't really even do anything for myself. I resolved to relax a bit as suggested and picked up a book, what looked to be a light reading novel and tried to lose myself in it's words.

Hours later when a nurse brought dinner in and told me that I had 2 hours before bedtime, I resolved to eat as best as I could and make sure the visit with my mother happened. I finished much of the tray and the nurse smiled approvingly at me when she came to take it away. I settled myself back into a laying flat position, and when the sleep medication was started I was half off to sleep on my own, wondering how the visit with my mother would go.


	3. Chapter 3

In my sleep I dreamt of my mother, who had fallen apart so completely after my father's death. How was she handling Prim's death? I could almost feel Mother's warm embrace as I tossed gently from side to side, the heavy medication preventing me from my nightmares.

As the drugs wore off, I began to become more conscious of the room around me, my body laying on a hospital bed. I stretched my arms and legs, feeling the muscle fatigue as I did so and became quite angry with myself. I was the girl on fire, survivor of 2 Hunger Games, soldier, and here I was barely able to sit up, weak with malnutrition and atrophy. I had to decide, I could give up and wait many many years for death to find me, or I could fight to get my life back. As suddenly as the thought came to me crushing depression set in. Nothing would ever give me my life back, life as I knew it was gone, demolished by bombings, killed by the Capitol, just gone. Was there a different life for me? I think so, but what will it be? Where will I live, who is left for me?

Deep in thought I barely notice the door open and the nurse, with her perky smile enter the room. She holds a tray and a new gown. I look down at myself and see that I need to change the one I am wearing, and wonder how much it has been since I've had a shower, or brushed my hair. The number of tasks needed to be performed in daily life seems to mount and I swallow a sob thinking about the mountain.

"I see you're awake Ms. Everdeen!", she chirps as she takes the tray and places it in front of my. I press the button on the side of my bed that raises me to a sitting position and I nod.

"How did you sleep?"

"It was nice, restful, though I am anxious to see my mother"

The nurse chuckles and checks the chart of the side of my bed "I bet you are! After you have breakfast" She motions to the tray in front of me, "We will get you into this new gown. Now, so far I see you've not been standing on your own, so this might be difficult, but I am sure it will make you feel more up to visiting. Is there anything else you need here for the time being?"

I shake my head and she gives me a parting smile before leaving my room and closing the door. I examine the meal in front of me, suddenly feeling more like curling up in a ball than eating but take a deep breath and begin to take slow and small bites of my food. I note that I am starting to feel less fatigued when using my arms; I smile and wonder if there really is hope for me. I focus on my tray and finish over half before I start to feel a bit ill, and decide that was a good go. I press the nurse call button for the tray to be removed, I am anxious to get into some clean clothing.

The nurse comes back and grabs the tray, taking it away. When she reenters the room, I am ready to get dressed and have through the blanket off of my torso and legs in preparation.

"OK Katniss, first let's have you swing your legs over the side of the bed, lets assess where you are physically."

I use my arms to brace myself, sitting a bit more upright. I try to twist from my hip to swing my legs, but the sensation of moving is odd and I groan with the effort. I look up and the nurse is smiling and nodding so I keep going, little by little until I am sitting on the edge of the bed. At this point the nurse helps me stand, which is a good thing as I can feel my legs quivering under me. She slips the old gown off and the new one on quickly and set me back down onto the bed. I let out a sigh, glad to be seated again.

"OK Katniss, let's get you back into the bed, Dr. Chand will be in soon"

I nod and begin the process of wiggling back into bed, noting that while it's difficult to use my long idle muscle it also feel good to move on my own again. I settle into the bed and grab one of the magazines on the side of the bed waiting for the doctor. I don't more than 2 pages into an article before there is a knock, as Dr. Chand gently open the door and walks into the room.

"Morning Katniss, I see from the notes here" He glances down unto his folder "that you've been eating your meals and cooperating with dressing." He nods in approval and smiles at me. "As you remember I promised a visit from your mother if you're willing to do your part towards your recovery, and I see you are. But more importantly, how are you feeling, mentally? You seem better than the girl I met yesterday at first. Tell me what's on your mind."

I suck in my breath and think that I am doing better than the girl he met yesterday. "Well, I still don't understand how I am not seen as a murder and a monster. I am not sure I deserve the right to recover and live a life here, not after how many I have hurt, not to mention killed. But, if my options are to stay in this room until I expire or to get better, the choice is easy; I suppose I am going to fight for myself." I sigh and glance down "But the faces of all those who meant so much to me haunt me, the thought of seeing those who remain scare me. I am not sure what they think of me, what to say," tears start to form in my eyes and threaten to spill over onto my cheek so I stop talking and look down.

Dr. Chand speaks to me, "Katniss, I can understand why you'd feel that way, but here in District 13 and to all of Panem, you are a hero, even if you assassinated a President that was to be tried for war crimes. The faces of the dead will likely remain in your memory for the rest of your life, but we want to work on making the memory less painful, allow you to have those sad thoughts and remembrance of those people, but not allow it to rule your entire life. It's a process; it will be painful and will take you a long time. But it will be worth it." I think what he's saying makes a lot of sense. I could never forget all those people who had meant so much to me, but finding a way to remember than without the crippling depression doesn't sound too bad and I nod in agreement.

The doctor, encouraged by my response, continues, "As for the people left who are with us now, well they are not thinking the horrible things about you that you're imagining. They are eager to see you. Your mother, Gale, Peeta, Finnick and Annie, Haymitch, and all the others, they are concerned for you, know that you're so hard on yourself and want a full recovery for you. They've all asked how they could help." My mind had gone numb after he said Peeta's name.

"Peeta….does he want to see him?" I asked, looking into the doctor's face.

He nods, "Yes of course, but we've thought it best to start with your mother and rebuild your physical condition. That leads me to this…your mother will be in soon. You'll meet with her for some time and she will stay for lunch. Afterwards you will begin physical therapy. Your mother will assist, if that is OK with you." He looks at me waiting for a response. I nod in agreement. He reaches to press the nurse call button and when the nurse entered let her know it was time to bring my mother in.

I was surprised at how nervous I felt at seeing my own mother, wondering what she thought of her oldest child. Did she wish it was me that had died instead of Prim? Did she think I was a monster after watching me murder President Coin? How could I ever ask these questions? I didn't have too long to consider it, because in a moment my mother strolled into the room. Dr. Chand smiled at me and began to walk out of the room, leaving the door partially open. My mother approached the bed, a look of concern plastered on her face.

"Katniss!" She cried out to me as she put her hand on mine, "I am so happy to see you here, awake and alert again. I thought we were losing you and…" She stopped as tears ran down her face, "I am so sorry, I shouldn't be sitting here crying on you, I've just missed you so much. After losing one child, the thought of losing you, its just too much."

I looked at my mother's face, so delicate, yet so creased in worry and I wanted to make her feel better, I didn't want her to cry because of me, there was already so much to cry about with me. I reached up for her and found myself encased in a hug. "Don't let go" I whispered as I cried against her shoulder. We stayed that way for a long while, holding each other and crying until I settled back down against my bed.

"Mother…. I am so sorry for what I've put you through. I'm sorry about….Prim… and everything else. What you must think of me, I've always wanted you to be proud of me and my actions…..but how can you me?" And I was in tears again, having opened the floodgates by mentioning Prim. "I….I miss her so much, every day, it hurts thinking of her but would hurt worse to forget her." And I am encased in another hug as my mother and I mourn the loss of my little sister. We talk about how she was when alive, her kind nature and sweetness. It felt good to get these things out there. Instead of the tears making me feel weak in front of my mother they gave me comfort, it was like releasing something within me that had been nibbling at my soul, desperate to escape.

After a long time Mom let go of me and glanced at the clock, it was lunch time and she pressed the nurse call button. Our meals were brought in and we settled down to eat together. I was curious about what was going on outside of the hospital and Mother filled me in on what she had been doing to keep busy and to not allow her thoughts to dwell exclusively on Prim. I wanted to ask about Peeta, but hesitated, hoping she would bring him up. Unfortunately she never did, she went right into describing my daily schedule to me, it was also written down in a folder on my bed stand, somewhere in the mass of magazines and books.

8:00 am – Wake

8:30 am – Breakfast

9:30 am – Dressing/Grooming (this was to get more involved the better I felt she said)

10:30 am – Socialization (the visit with my mother, visits from others)

12:00 – Lunch

1:00 pm – Rest

2:30 pm – Physical Therapy

4:00 pm – Meeting with my psychologist.

5:00 pm – Rest or more socialization.

6:30 pm – Dinner

8:00 pm - Sleep

My mother explained this was a started schedule. As I progressed in treatment daily grooming would take less time. Eventually I would be eating my meals in the cafeteria and even attending classes with others. The goal was to assimilate me into life in 13 to the point where I could leave the hospital and live like all the others.

Now I was anxious to be out of the hospital, it sounded like a long processes and I had to ask, "Peeta, when will I see him?"

My mother smiled as she picked up the now empty trays of food, "Soon Katniss." She turned to walk out the door, "I will be right back, I'm going to deposit these in the bus bin and get your physical therapist to begin your session. Would you like me to stay with you and help?" I nod to her, having her with me will be nice.

I watch her walk out of the room and wonder how soon she means when she says soon. I try to shake the thought from my mind as I ready myself mentally for physical therapy. 


	4. Chapter 4

Physical therapy apparently meant a trip out of my room. I was thrilled, seeing something besides the four walls I have enclosed in was very welcomed. However, when they pushed in the wheelchair they planned to take me I shook my head violently, I had to protest, "No, I don't need that, I can just have Mom help me down the halls!", I shoot a look at my mother, hoping she'll agree, but no luck as she shakes her head at me. After a few minutes of coaxing from the perky nurse I am in the wheelchair and being moved to the physical therapy wing.

As I am wheeled in I am impressed with the amount of equipment they have, they seem to all be blinking at the same time, all but one machine being empty. The person, someone who I've never seen before, is strapped into a contraption that seems to be providing resistance to her arm as she presses down a bar. The women catches my gaze and blushes "I broke my arm" she offers an explanation, "I can't believe I get to have physical therapy in the same room as you, how exciting, wait till my friends hear this." She gushes on. I smile, "Well its not to meet you too…." I pause not knowing her name, luckily she readily offers it, "Willow", and I finish my greeting.

While I'd been distracted by Willow my team has been setting up another piece of equipment and it had before ready for me. To begin I was brought to a standing position, with some assistance. Once standing within the confines of the machine some wire were attached to my legs, it was explained that they would provide a current that would contract my muscle for me, apparently after long enough with the current I would be better able to control my muscles. My initial sessions for to be 20 minutes, so I settled in for the treatment, which felt more like a gentle massage than a current of anything.

"Do you wanna talk" Willow asks me once my team steps away from me.

"OK" I say, "What about"

"About the new Panem maybe, there's so much new going on with the rebuilding of the districts and infrastructure. Did you know we'll be able to go visit the Districts now? No more keeping us confined here, in this bunker."

Rebuilding the districts, that means 12 could be a home for me again, this happy thought was followed by a crushing sadness as I remembered that there was no one else much left to make a life with in 12, surely my mother wouldn't go back somewhere that holds so many sad memories. But instead of saying what I'm thinking out loud I decide it'd be better to just keep Willow talking.

"So, how are things in 13 different now?"

"Oh they are so different. Now we're allowed on the surface, we can bask in the sun, run in the grass, its fantastic. We've started planting fields with vegetables and fruit trees outside. I think that is where I plan to work after I get my arm back" she motions her head towards her arm, "I would love to play in the dirt all day instead of be stuck inside, underground, in the faux dirt we've been using to grow the food we eat now"

She babbled on and on and eventually my time was up. We exchanged our goodbyes, Willow hoping to see my again and me agreeing. It would be nice to have a friend, someone who didn't know me from my past life, before the Games, and so wouldn't be comparing me constantly to the girl that I once was. Someone who didn't know how happy I was and more importantly someone who didn't know the drama between Peeta and Gale and I, sort of like a fresh start with a friend sounded nice. I made a mental note to ask that she be added to my list of visitors, she seemed to be a wealth of information on the new regime.

She left the room and I stayed on, the next machine helped me work on my back and trunk strength, the last was for my arms. I was surprised at how strong my arms still were, but happy that I didn't have too long of a way to go there for full function. I am told that once I start therapy I would quickly progress, as I did not have actual injuries but weakness from lack of use. It was quite embarrassing to me, to be still for so long that I was not physically useless. I cringed at the thought, but shoved it back into my mind for the time being, physical therapy was over and I was being taken back to my room.

The electric current machine must have been working because I find myself more able to stand than before the treatment, and I take this as a glimmer of hope that it wont be long before I am walking and running, maybe even hunting. I don't have too long to be deep in thought however, as Dr. Chand walks in with his usual kind smile. He goes to sit by me and I see he is holding a notebook and a few pens.

"Good afternoon Katniss, I hear you've made a friend in physical therapy, I am amazed at how far you've come since I met you. Anyhow, each afternoon we will meet for a therapy session. I thought we would start off easily with a little homework for you to do on your own" he hands me the notebook and pens. "but before we get to that I wanted to see if you had any questions about your schedule or your treatments, anything at all?"

"Well…I'd really like to know when I could see P…" the name catches in my throat and I take a deep breath to continue "Peeta, I remember the last time I saw him was at the…the…well it should have been an execution. I'd at least like to know how he is, where he is, what he's doing, when he will visit me…." The words rush out of mouth as I realize how much I'd been repressing.

"Katniss, I know you want to see Peeta, but at this time I think it might be best to wait until you're feeling a bit better, I don't want to have people around you that are going to trigger depression and anger in you, you've got enough of that on your own" he smiles but I can feel the tears streaming down my face. "He is here in 13, doing well, he's started working the kitchens here and will soon be taking over bread making duties." I wipe away my tears and smile, thinking of how happy Peeta is working with dough and baking, maybe someday soon my dinner roll will be made by him.

He decides to move on from this topic of conversation and goes into my homework assignment, "OK Katniss, that notebook I've given you will be a journal of sorts. I want you to start on the first page with the date and make 2 columns. In the first column I want you to list the things you're unhappy about in your life, the bad stuff. In the other column I want you to try as hard as you can to think of the good, and list those things. We'll take a look together tomorrow, that is if you're willing to let me see your list Any questions?"

"What if I can't think of anything good?"

"Then leave it blank, but I think there may be some things you're overlooking, for example there must be some good in your mother being with you, your new friend Willow, or maybe general good things that came from the rebellion." He smiles and stands, "I will leave you to it than, I will see you tomorrow. By the way you have a visitor this evening."

"Who"

"It's actually a surprise, but I think you'll like what they have to say to you."

At this point he walks out of the door with a wink and I am left alone with my notebook. I open it up, date the front page and make the two columns. In the first I write "BAD" and in the second "GOOD". I stop there and wonder whether I should just make up some safe things to put in both columns so that I don't worry the doctor, but after a quick internal battle with myself decide to go for honesty. I begin with the bad list, I write without pausing to think or censor myself,

BAD:

The war

Being in 2 hunger games

Prim's death

My current physical state and what I've done to cause it

Not being able to see Peeta

Killing Coin

Gale designing that awful bomb

Coin dropping it on defenseless children

Not being allowed to just die.

The list goes on and on for pages and when I go back to reread it I cannot believe how much I've written. Then I come up to the part where it listed not being allowed to die and I was shocked with myself. I was no longer in a state where I wished someone would just take me out of my misery and kill me, but I do still feel badly for being allowed to continue to live after everything that I've done and how many others are dead. I begin to scratch it but decide to leave it as the last moment. Why bother trying to cover it up? I would have preferred they kill me back in the Capitol. Since they didn't, and 13 seems to have no plans to I will continue to fight for myself, but had it turned out differently and I had been executed, well, it wouldn't have been a bad thing. I decide to go unto the good list,

GOOD:

My mother is here with me

The people who are still alive, Peeta, Finnick, Annie, Gale

Having a medical team who cares so much

Willow

This is sadly all I can think of, I find it funny that I am both glad made it through without dying and angry I was at him for his horrid design, which killed my sister. I didn't have long to wonder, as it was time for my visitor. I had no idea who it was, but I set about straightening myself up for the arrival. Before long there was a knock on the door and I indicated that the visitor could come it.

To my surprise in walks the commander from District 8. She extends her hand to me, "Katniss, nice to see you again!" I nod in agreement and sputter. "Commander…what a surprise."

"Actually, it's President Paylor now. I have something I'd like to talk to you about."


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you DragonClaw for your reviews, it really makes me smile to know that someone out there is actually reading this thing. Thank you again

What use could Paylor possibly have for me? Was she concerned for her life with me around? I didn't have too long to wonder as she continued.

"Katniss, as you know we've been rebuilding all of the districts and 13 on the surface again. Along with the rebuilding many other things are changing. For example we need to have a new curriculum for the schools in place, new hospitals, and so on. Your mother will be assisting with setting up a new hospital in 4, Gale will act as a military commander in 8, and that brings me to you. I want you to write the history of Panem, of the real Panem, not just the convoluted lies the Capitol fed for so long. 13 has much of the history before the original rebellion that brought us underground, but we had little information on the capitol. You can live wherever you like, but you will be talking to people from each district and in the end compiling the full history of this country."

She pauses and I mull over what she's said. Talk to someone from each district, that might be interesting. I need more details more information. Suddenly I feel slightly more alive, there is some goal for me, I can be of some use to others. Something that has nothing to do with killing, with avoiding being killed, or with trying to survive somewhere, that doesn't sound too bad. I look up at her and smile, "Well that sounds like quite the project. But why me? I am sure there are better people here for that".

"Ah, well because you've had such a large part in the history, with your 2 Hunger Games, your part in the rebellion, and ahem the stunt you pulled with President Coin. Plus, I think you're suited to getting people to talk to you. So, will you think about it? I know it is some weeks before you will be out of here and well again, but I wanted to plant the bug in your ear early." She pauses and looks down at me, waiting for a response.

"I think I could do that, I'd hate to disappoint though, I could try."

"Good, its settled. We'll get you started with the current history that 13 has on file and teaches its children" she reaches into her bag and pulls 3 thick books out of it and places them in my lap, "Here we go. Maybe you could read these over while you're in here" She glances around my room "and once you're out we'll be ready to hit the ground running."

I nod and then pause for a moment before asking, "What about Peeta?" I instantly regret the question, what if the answer involves him being confined to the mental ward forever. "Well, he is currently working in the kitchens here, I am sure he'll either continue or perhaps open his own shop in one of the districts. Maybe he will travel with you to the districts; he has such a gift for gab." She stands up and shakes my hand, my time with her apparently up. She bids me good night as a nurse arrives with the dinner tray.

I glance at the tray in front of me and see it immediately, a cheese roll, like Peeta always made, my favorite type of bread, I had never had it in 13 before. He must have made this for me, or maybe for everyone. My heart skipped a beat, the first contact I have had from him since that moment right after I killed Coin. I pick up the roll and notice a very small slip of paper underneath it. I pick it up and read, "I love you, always have, always will."

A note from Peeta! He still loves me. I am too thrilled to think for a short time and close my eyes and loss myself in a fantasy. I envision me and Peeta, we're sitting on a small grassy knoll next to the pond where I used to swim in 12. He has his arm around my waist and I have my head on his shoulder and we just sit for a long time. Eventually he turns me to face him slightly and he traces the outline of my lips, my jaw, my cheek bones, and my eyes gently with his fingers. He pulled me closer, his hands in my hair and I could feel his warmth. Just as suddenly he was choking me and I was struggling to get away from him.

I opened my eyes and let out a startled cry. I looked back down at the note and pressed it to my heart. Even holding something he once held was enough for the moment. There was still a part of him that loved me, even if there was another part that thought of me as a mutt who should be dead. I decided to put the note into a drawer in my bedside, the first thing I had placed there and I wondered how I could let him know that I received his note and wanted more of the same. What I really wanted was to see him, to hug him tight, to shower him kisses, and to never have to leave his side. My feelings surprised me. I knew there was something between us that was not just an act for the Capitol, but the things I was thinking; well I thought it would be a long time before I was thinking of them.

As I form an idea I eat most of my dinner slowly, taking care to be careful and not spill on myself too much as I had yesterday. I press the nurse call button and wait. Once the nurse enters I ask innocently, "Could I please have some more of those rolls? Could you tell the baker that I just love them?" she smiles and seems pleased that I'm asking for more food and rushes off. But more food isn't really what I am after, I am over full if anything, but I want Peeta to know that I got his message.

The nurse comes back looking a bit sheepish but with a dish of rolls. She sets them down on a tray in front of me and pauses at my door, "The baker, he says to expect more tomorrow" and then winks and disappears.

After I finish the rolls I press the call button and the nurse comes to take away the tray. Its almost bed time and I find myself almost looking forward to the next day. Another day of the therapies and another day closer to true freedom, I want to be able to live like others again. As the medicine slips into my veins I am drifting off into a nice dream, I try to enjoy it as much as possibly before the medication takes me fully under.

I am again sitting next to Peeta, this time in a compartment here in 13. I am not sure, but I can tell that it is ours together. The walls are covered with his paintings and the floors are strewn with my clothing as if I had been going to a party and trying to decide what to wear. We were sitting on our couch watching our TV, there was something funny going on because we were both laughing so much. Right before I slipped off into total blackness he leaned over to kiss me, whispering that he would never leave me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you so much for your reviews. I can't believe someone is actually reading my story! This is the first time I have ever written anything, and am not a creative type (I am an accountant!) – so its really been fun, and I hope it's as enjoyable for you. Also… I have no idea how to get authors notes to show up bolded….so….sorry!**

I wake up slowly as the drip of sleep medication begins to wear off. I am a bit sore, but find it much easier to stretch and twist about. Before long a tray is delivered to me. I see there is no bread on it and I am disappointed, I wanted to hear from Peeta again, at least in a small way. I push the thought out of my mind and settle myself down to eat.

I wonder if I can swing my legs over the side of the bed and eat sitting up on my own like a regular person. I give it a try, twisting and swinging at the same time. While it takes some effort I'm pleased to see that I can manage it fine and that the longer I sit there the easier it gets for me. I eat sitting on the side of my bed, feeling ridiculous proud of myself. When I am finished I press the nurse call button and wait. The nurse who comes seems surprised to see me sitting there but please, she tells me to wait a moment.

Once she returns, its time for grooming. Today I get a new gown and also get to brush my teeth. I love the feel of my clean teeth, I run my tongue over them and realize how much I have really missed, the small things and the big things.

After this is done I get back into the bed, this time sitting crossed legged and grab one of the history books. I read until my mother enters the room, and put the book down.

"Katniss! You look great." She exclaims as she joins me on the bed, "what are you reading there" she asks in a way that tells me she already knows everything. But I tell her anyhow.

"Some books the President left for me, 13's version of the Panem history, the beginning steps of combining our joint histories so we can have an accurate, not Capital influenced version."

My mother nods as I talk and a smile spreads on her face. "I'm glad you've decided to take up the task, this really should keep you busy, and hopefully out of trouble. Everyone is asking about you, I can't wait until you can be out for meal times, there is so much to catch up on. I especially hope you're out before Annie has her baby, she's told me she'd love to have you there with her."

I raise my brow….Annie wants me to be in the room with her when she has her baby? "Why would she want that? I am useless in medical situation. Prim was really…" I wince at the mention of my sister, "Sorry…. I wasn't thinking, It's just that she would have loved to be there, and she could helped, she was such a comfort." At this point a few tears escape my eyes and run down my face. My mom scoots closer and wraps her arm around my shoulder. This feels so good, I press my forehead into the crook of her arm and begin to cry harder blubbering about Prim and how much I missed her. My mother says comforting things into my ear and rubs my back lightly.

"We all miss her, she was an amazing girl. I am so glad to have you getting this all out here. Its not good that you try to bury your emotions, this is good, letting it out, letting me comfort you. I love you, I want only the best for you. One of my children is dead, you're all I have Katniss."

After a bit we pull away from each other and I wipe the tears from my eyes. "Thank you Mom, I feel so much lighter now." And it's true. Its as if all of the tears where in my mind weighing me down, letting them out was embarrassing to me but felt great. Better than I really deserved to feel. There wasn't time to say more as a nurse came in with our lunches and we ate in silence. There was a bread roll with lunch, but I could tell Peeta hasn't made it. It was too dense inside, and not quite crusty enough, Peeta was too good of a baker to let that happen. I didn't contemplate this for too long, it was time for physical therapy.

When I was wheeled into the room I saw Willow again, they placed me in a machine next to hers so we could chat and I was grateful, it would be dull with nothing to do and no one to talk to. We said our greetings and I decided to ask some questions, she had the same idea it seemed.

"So Willow, tell me about the schools here in 13, are you out?"

"Oh yes I am out of the primary school, it goes until you're about 12. After than you move on to more specialized training. I want to grow crops above ground, so I am doing botany and agriculture. Other people do all kinds of things. In Primary school they are mostly concerned with teaching you to read and write, math, history, language, and that kind of thing. You're in a class with people your age and there is a different teacher for each subject, the teachers stay in the same room and the children move from room to room. There are mandatory study periods for students, depending on the year and specialty. I'm here during my study period because I hurt myself, which means I'll need to spend the night doing the work I was assigned today." This was great Willow was chatty and I enjoyed listening to her. It was fascinating how things worked down here.

"Katniss….can you tell me why you decided to eat the berries in the first game?' She looked away and quickly added "If you don't mind of course"

"Well… I might as well get used to answering the questions. At that time I was pretty much out of my mind with hunger, thirst, sleep deprivation and everything else. I just couldn't have Peeta kill himself to let me live, I could never go home again, the shame would be so much. I wasn't going to kill him myself and he wasn't going to kill me. I figured that they couldn't let us both die…so I took the chance, either we were both saved or we were both dead, but we couldn't go home without the other."

Willow is nodding seemingly deep in thought, "I never would have thought of that, it was so clever. Around her, meaning 13, it was played over and over, we studied it in school as the official start of the rebellion".

This surprises me as I didn't feel so rebellious doing it, I was a scared little girl, rather eating a poisonous berry than killing the man I didn't realize I loved or allowing him to kill himself. "My turn" I say to Willow "Before the rebellion how were things different than they are now?"

Willow is nodding vigorously, "Oh yes, very much so. Before the rebellion we were rarely if ever allowed up to the surface. I never saw what was outside until last year. My whole life I lived underground and this wasn't unusual. Much of our students were directed to professions geared towards building weapons, various monitoring and sensing systems, piloting, defense, and other army and inventing based careers. Now, we have all the weapons and equipment, we are focusing more on growing food, producing animals for food and so on. We would live in a low level amount of anxiety of the capital, as we didn't want them to come after us again. Once the rebellion started, the fear was gone because it was certain they were coming after us." She chuckled a bit "I know that sounds silly, but its better to fear the enemy that you know is coming than face the unknown day after day. President Coin was also more focused on having control, there was no seconds at dinner whatsoever, hiding food in your room was forbidden. No I can keep a few cookies in my door for late night cravings with no fear."

It was a lot to take in, it did sound better than living in District 12 because they all at least got one serving of food at dinner, but not being able to keep any food in your house would have bothered me. "Wow, you never saw the outside your entire life? That's amazing."

With that my time was up. I'd been so busy gabbing with Willow that I hardly noticed the treatment. The nurse came back with an upright wheeled contraption she referred to as a walker. Apparently I was going to use it to walk back to my room, and to my surprise I did! I had to lean on it quite a bit, but one after another my legs were carrying me in the right direction. As I slowly made my way out of the room I could hear Willow cheering for me, she was definitely a nice girl, good to have for a friend. Other than Gale I never really had friends. I push the thoughts of Gale out of my mind; he was dead to me after what his designs did to those innocent children and my sister.

Once settle back into my room Dr. Chand comes back in and sits on a stool next to my bed. "So…. Did you do my little assignment for me?" I nod and hand him the notebook and he shakes him head "No, for now this is for you, I want you to write in it each day, after a week or two I will review it and we'll see where you are."

We spent the next hour discussing the situation that made me go nuts and assassinate the president. Apparently I was so full of grief I couldn't think straight. Dr. Chand wanted to know where I was with my friend now.

"When you think about your sister what the first thing that comes to you mind?"

I close my eyes and picture Prim. Tears instantly form in my eyes and I see her rushing towards the wounded Capital children, I can feel the fire and the words catching in my throat as I try to warn her, the look of confusion on her face before the second explosion and then blackness. "I think of the bombing, She looked right at me before the second portion of the bomb went off, I tried to warn her but I couldn't speak and it was far too late. And then there was just nothingness." The tears spilled onto my cheeks again as I reached for the tissue Dr. Chand was holding out for me.

"Katniss, you may not believe this, but the more you think of her and allow yourself to feel the sadness of the day she died and imagine a life without her now the easier things will get. One day you'll think of Prim and a happy memory of her like she was before the bombing will pop up. Can you think of a good memory of Prim for me?"

I close my eyes and think back, "I remember how much she loved that cat, Buttercup. When I went back to 12 to our home to shoot for the rebellion propo I brought him back with me for her. When I stepped into our room and she saw the cat she practically squealed with joy. She came running at us and held him so tight I was surprised he could breathe. The look in her eye, pure joy, it was inspiring, after all the bad that happened in 12 that caused her to be here in 13, she still had such a capacity to feel happy and to love that animal." I paused, feeling exposed and embarrassed.

Dr. Chand was nodding, "That's great Katniss. When you think of your sister, try to follow up the horrible memory with a good one." He stands gathering the papers he'd been shuffling around while I spoke. "OK I am happy to see you making such good progress. Of course, your physical rehabilitation will go faster than your mental, but with time, I hope you'll find life less painful and easier to live. I will see you tomorrow, we have a special visitor for you this evening, I think you're ready for this. If you're not and you get upset just press the call button and he will be gone." The doctor looks a bit concerned but quickly puts a smile back on his face and walks out the door.

I wonder who the special visitor is, I hope it is Peeta, I want so sadly to see him and to hold him again. Its almost intolerable knowing that he is so close, but that I cannot see him. I wonder if there will be a time when I really can live happy out there with the others, and maybe that me and Peeta will live together. As long as he doesn't want to kill me anymore of course, I forget about the tracker venom that he was pumped full of, the image of him lunging for my throat is heart breaking. I almost begin to cry again when there is a soft knock at the door. The door opens slowly and then I see him.


	7. Chapter 7

Expecting to see Peeta I was smiling when he walked in, but it quickly turned into a scowl.

"Gale" I gasp "What are you doing here?" I sit up straighter, not how I feel. I look at Gale and all I can see is my sister, burning, because of his design, the rage builds up. Then I think of our friendship, the years we spent in the woods together and I am just sad for what I love. Tears begin to stream down my face and my anger at Gale mixes with anger at myself for being so weak and crying in front of him. I bury my face in a pillow and scream "What are you doing here? Say something…what do you want? Do you want to kill me too?" and then I am incoherent, my sobs mixing with my angry words.

Gale stays where he is, near the door, which he closes behind himself and finally speaks, "Katniss, I can't even tell you how sorry I am. I had to see you at least one more time, try to explain. I never meant for Prim to be hurt…I never imagined that my bomb would be dropped by us on innocent children and our own medics sent in to the rescue, knowing the double explosion to come." He pauses and I look up, he's crying lightly, the expression on his face full of pain and regret, "If I had known how the weapon would be used, I never would have done it. I swear to you, never."

I shake my head vigorously, "I can't do this…. I can't look at you, How could you even think of a weapon so awful, to blow up the medics helping the injured, it makes me nauseous to think about it."

"Is there any chance for our friendship Katniss?"

I look up at him, glad to hear he's talking about friendship and not more. I think about this….could I ever forgive him? Look at him without seeing the face of my sister burning? I don't know, but how can I know that I never could… "I don't know Gale. I just don't know. I look at you and I see Prim's face, shocked and burning, that image, its always in my mind. But… I don't know that I never will be able to look at you. I just don't know" I sob out the last few works as a new wave of tears washes over me.

"Katniss, do you want me to leave now? Maybe some time will help the situation….." he begins to turn his body to the door but changes his mind and takes a few tentative steps towards me in the bed. "Can I…..can I give you one hug before I go."

I nod slowly, deciding that it was best to let go of my anger at him as best and as soon as I could. He wraps his arms around me and squeezes me tightly for a moment before letting go and backing away a bit. It felt good to be in his arms, familiar to me, almost like the feeling of his standing still behind me as we hunted together before the games took everything from me. Maybe one day we could be friends again and I could tell him my secrets and thoughts, like when we were just children

"Katniss, I am going to go. I wanted to see you before I left for District 2. They told me it was too soon, and were probably right, but I needed to see you one more time, to make sure you knew that I am going to be here whenever you're ready, and even if you never our. You cannot imagine the guilt I feel, I loved Prim as I do my own sister, to know that she died before of me, it kills me inside. I hope we can see each other again, but I can understand if you're not able to do that." He wipes the tears from his eyes and looks directly into mind, "Good-bye Katniss, I will think of you every day."

I was in shock, my mouth wide open, tears streaming down my face, "Good-bye" I say, barely above a whisper, but I know he heard me, because he turns around slightly when I say it and pauses to see if I will continue. But I don't, instead I am hugging the pillow I have soaked with my tears. He walks out of the door, closing it behind himself. I curl into a small ball on my bed and cry for almost an entire hour until my dinner tray comes. The nurse sets it down quietly and then sits on the edge of my bed placing her hand warmly on my back.

"Dear… I know everything hurts, this is actually good, the crying." I am confused and roll over a bit to look at her, waiting for her to continue, "Well…when you allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, disappointment, and everything else you're not holding these things inside of yourself, these things can eat you up inside. Do you want me to stay here with you while you eat?" I shake my head and sit up, suddenly feeling a bit better. "No, I'm OK…thank you for saying what you did…maybe it will work for me, I have so much held in inside." She nods and smiles walking slowly out of the room.

Looking at my tray I realized there were 2 cheese rolls right in front of me and my heart lifted thinking of Peeta, wondering if he had been thinking of me too. I lifted the rolls and found a small piece of paper, folded a million times to be able to hide it. I decided that I would read it once I had finished my dinner. I work the meal taking slow bite, amused that I am fabricating this anticipation for myself. I finish the meal and slowly unwrap the note. Its only a few lines but my heart skips a beat seeing Peeta's writing.

_Katniss, I miss you more than anything, everyday here without you feels like an eternity. Please take as long as you need, I will be here waiting for you, I need you to help me sort out my memories, please try not to take too long. I love you always, Peeta"_

I reread the note a few times and trace the letters with my fingers. I missed him so much; I wonder if he is completely recovered, does he still want to kill me sometimes? I fold the note back up and place it into my nightstand, on top of the small slip of paper he sent me last night. I need to see him and soon, I need answers to so many questions and to feel his skin against mine. Why would they bring in Gale, who upset me greatly and leave me in tears while withholding Peeta, who would surely provide me with all the support I could handle?

Then it came to me, Dr. Chand didn't want me to be dependent on Peeta for my stability and sanity…of course they didn't want him hear, me leaning on him constantly. My cheeks flushed red, I was embarrassed with myself. Before the games I was a fiercely independent person, here I was wishing for a boy I liked to come and comfort me. I resolved that I didn't want to need Peeta for my own survival, I wanted him but I was not going to get myself into a position where I could not be on my own as well.

With that I grabbed Dr. Chand's notebook and dated it, dividing the page into 2 columns, one for the bad and one for the good. The bad column had the usual list, long and difficult to write out. It didn't take me very long, it was easy to see the bad things in my life, there was so many to choose from. The good list was harder to come by, in end I came up with some things…

Good:

My mother is here with me, she loves me still, and hasn't fallen to depression as she did after my father's death.

Peeta, he is here in 13 and baking again.

My doctors and nurses are kind and compassionate, I am being treated better than I deserve.

Everyone else that made it through the rebellion like Finnick and Annie, even Haymitch.

Seeing Gale again

I went back and read the list and I was surprised at the last item. Gale… He had been on my mind and it was good to see him again in some ways, in others it was extremely painful. But somehow the nurse was right, I hated feeling the pain and crying the tears, but now that I have I have less hurt when I think of him and the friendship we'd had and now lost, I could almost think of him without seeing Prim burning all over again. I close the journal and press the call button, ready to turn my empty tray in and fall asleep for the evening. The nice nurse comes back in to take my food. Once she is out of the room my mother walks in, my face instantly breaking into a smile, this situation bringing me closer to my mother then

"Just coming to tuck you in" my mom smiles and sits on the stool next to my bed and takes my hand gently. She reaches to a machine and slowly and gently connects the IV back to the port they had installed and begins the slow drip of the sleep medication. "Do you want me to stay here with you until you fall asleep? I've gotten off of work so I have all night…" I nod and close my eyes. My mom begins to speak in her soft and gentle voice.

"Katniss, I love you very much, I had a dream last night, you were out of here and home with me. It was just a regular day, but things were so very normal, you were curled up on the couch with a school book I was cooking us dinner, Peeta came by to eat with us bringing fresh bread with him. It felt so peaceful…. That is my dream for you a normal, peaceful and boring life." She bent down and kissed the top of my forehead. I smiled as I settled further into the bed, the thought of a normal life was so comforting to me.

I drifted off a bit but my dreams were not as pleasant as I had hoped, in my dream I was in an unfamiliar area walking around lost. The streets were full of people, none of whom I recognized, stores I had never seen and large buildings that looked like factories. I was wandering around aimlessly, having no idea where to go or what to do. In my dream I closed my eyes tightly and stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, not sure what I was supposed to be doing. Someone tapped my shoulder and I spun around, my eyes flying open. Gale was standing in front of me with a curious look on his face, his brows scrunched together in confusion.

"What are you doing here in 2 Katniss?" I shake my head, speechless, not knowing how I got there. Gale took me by the hand and I did not protest as I followed him up a shady street to a small cottage type house. We went inside and sat at the kitchen table looking at each other. Gale looked at me and smiled, "I'm glad you found your way home to me Katniss"

This was the last thing I remember before blackness took over and I was out. I fell asleep with a feeling of confusion, not knowing what he meant and wondering if I could ever find out, why would my mind think of that? I wasn't sure I wanted to find out.

**Sorry to ya'll who expected Peeta would have been the visitor. I hope this story isn't getting to long or boring. Please let me know if it is!**


	8. Chapter 8

The next few days went by quickly, filled with visitors, counseling sessions, physical therapy, and of course small notes hidden under cheese rolls from Peeta. I kept them all, and when I needed to feel connected to him I would pull them out and reread them. They were each different but the theme was the same…

_Katniss, I am right here waiting for you, I miss you so much and cannot wait to see you._

_Katniss, I dream of you each night, I can't get your beautiful face out of my mind._

_Katniss, I hope it's not much longer until I can see you, this time apart is almost unbearable._

I held the little slips of paper between my fingers, knowing Peeta had held them as well, soon I would be holding him instead of his notes. I closed my eyes, lost in the fantasy, only interrupted when the nurse came to take me to physical therapy,

I arrived in the room, and as usual Willow was there with me, she grinned and waved with her free arm, I waved in return, glad to have a friend I could see each day. I had decided that today was the day I get out of the wheelchair and throw the assistive devices aside, I was still too skinny but the muscle tone had returned to my body, and I desperately wanted to move on from the hospital. I knew the doctors wouldn't want me to try so soon, but they were moving on an excruciatingly slow pace, I would be an old woman before I was able to be out on my own.

I played along with them for the first while, then when they had me walking with the 3 wheeled contraption, I assessed my strength and tossed the device aside, standing on my own and taking a few cautious steps forward. Finding my confidence I took a few more steps, until I was moving at quite a quick pace. My poor surprised doctor was chasing after me, and quickly guided me to the side of the room and onto a bench.

"Katniss! You could have been hurt, what possessed you to do that?" His expression was pure exacerbation; he was shaking his head rigorously.

"Yea, well I wasn't hurt…so there's no harm. I am sick of moving so slowly, I feel better and better each day, but I am trapped in my room in my bed. I can't take it anymore, the sooner I am up and about, the sooner I can be out of here and move on with my life." I got more and more upset as I talked, realizing I had been holding in so much frustration. My voice rose and In knew what I was doing was counterproductive, but I couldn't stop myself. I hoisted myself up to my feet and continued my tirade, "I am sick of this place, not being able to keep my own schedule, see who I want to see, or go where I want to go. I am essentially a prisoner here." At this point I broke down in tears, shoving the doctor away from me as he tried to steer me back to the bench.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Willow, trapped in a machine but staring wide eyed at me, seemingly trying to get free so she could help me. Apparently one of the staff members called for security because I was soon faced with several large men who took hold of me, as someone in a white coat approached me with a needle in hand. I tried to let out a scream but it was too late, I felt the medicine enter my vein and then there was darkness.

The next instant it seemed I was waking up back in my room, Dr. Chand sitting next to my bedside writing in his folder. He noticed me stirring and put his papers down and looked intently at me. "Katniss, how are you feeling? Had quite a bid of excitement in the physical therapy room I hear." He smiled and tried to be light-hearted.

"I'm sorry, I am not sure what came over me. I know I am physically strong but they treat me like an invalid. I want to get out of here, I need to see Peeta again, I cannot take the slow pace any more. I feel so very trapped here." I take a breath and stop, not wanting to work myself up and earn myself another trip into sedated dream land again.

Dr. Chand nods empathetically and opens a folder and scribbles notes furiously. "Well, I can see your point Katniss. In light of your walking again I think we can switch you from rehabilitation to a gym routine to build strength. How does that sound?"

"It's a start, but when will I see Peeta, when I will I be allowed out of here? I just can't take it much longer."

The doctor looked at me for a long moment and wrote a few other notes. "Do you trust me Katniss?" I nodded and returned his gaze, "OK, then I can tell you that you've made great progress and that soon you will see the changes you're looking for. Before we move you, I want to wean you off of the sleep medication, if we're going to move you we need to know you're not dependant on this machine", he taps the sleep medication machine next to the bed ,"to get rest. I want you out of here too, but we need to do it in a way to preserve your safety." I nod, accepting this.

Dr. Chand stands and lets me know I have dinner and then will be given only half of the dose of sleep medication that day, he glanced at my good/bad journal and seemed pleased that the good list was growing longer each day. He leaves me in the room and a nurse comes in soon afterwards, "Dinner time Katniss" she chirps softly and places my tray on my table.

Tonight I go right for the bread, wanting to be comforted by Peeta's words and I am not disappointed, this note is longer than the rest and makes me realize Peeta knows much more about my days than I do about his.

_Katniss, I know how hard this must be for you, but please listen to the doctors. We will be together sooner than you think; I promise it will be worth the wait. I am here for you when you're ready, but please make sure you take care of yourself. Love Always, Peeta._

I smile and wonder how he knows about my outburst in the PT room, is someone feeding him information or is he really watching. I press the button to have my finished meal removed and settle myself into my bed, ready for the first evening with a lower dose of the sleep medicine. I am worried, the nightmares will probably come back, if I wake up screaming things will not be looking good for me, but I try to force my mind to the positive, a trick Dr. Chand had taught me, to replace the negative thoughts flowing through my mind constantly with something more positive. I shake the worry off and close my eyes, willing myself to have a calm and peaceful sleep, but doubting that it will happen.

I am partially correct, with a lower dose of the medication the blackness never comes, and I dream all night. As soon as I drift off I am in the arena during my first hunger games, me and Peeta are in the cave during the downpour and he is sleeping soundly while I keep watch. I am beside him, my bow at my feet watching the entrance intently; Peeta stirs slightly next to me but doesn't wake. I lean down and use my fingertips to trace his hair line and run my fingers through his hair. A feeling of warmth spreads over me and I feel peaceful and almost happy, a weird feeling the arena. I lean down further and gently brush my lips against his forehead, his skin tastes slightly salty and I kiss the edge of his nose next. I was to kiss his soft looking mouth, but do not want to wake him so I satisfy myself with running my fingers through his hair while keeping watch.

I lean back unto my elbows, watching the entrance but wishing we were home, together and safe. Peeta opens his eyes and frantically darts his eyes around the cave until they land on me and he smiles. He crawls over to where I am sitting, still barely able ton use his leg, and sits beside me. I lean my head against his shoulder and close my eyes, for a moment the arena and all the dangers are gone and all I can see and feel is the boy next to me, so vulnerable at the moment. All at once I am overtaken with the warm feeling and I throw my arms around him forcing him on his back with me straddling his waist and I kiss him. For a moment he is startled, but recovers quickly kissing me back. We stay this way for a long while until I need to pull up for air. As I pull back from him and open my eyes I realize it is Gale underneath me and I am in the woods of 12, not in the arena.

Even in my dream I feel guilt and confusion, but as I roll off of Gale in shock he pulls me back to him, one strong arm around my waist and the other clutching my hair. He kisses me with a passion I have not felt before, and I do nothing to stop him, and after a moment I am returning his embrace and affection. As we intertwine ourselves I can hear a voice calling my name in the background, "Katniss, Katniss….please don't do this", the voice is Peeta's. I pull away slightly, turning my head to search the woods with my eyes. When I turn back Gale is gone, the woods are silent and I am alone. Waves of regret and shame wash over me as I clutch my knees to my chest, horrified at how realistic the dream feels.

The rest of the evening my dreams are filled with the faces of those who died in the rebellion, including Prim. I don't awaken screaming, perhaps I have enough medication in me to prevent that, but when I am conscious in the morning I feel such sadness and I can still taste Gale's lips on mine.


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry about that last chapter, I don't really like it, it sort of sucks….but I hope some are still reading along **

I don't know why I am thinking of Gale, I am so sure I hate him, I have to hate him, he killed my sister, he designed a bomb specifically meant to give off a 2nd blast to kill medics. He's no better than the Capitol people, the game makers who think up violent ways to lead children to their deaths. I shudder and try to focus my mind on my tasks for the day. Since I walked yesterday my legs have found themselves again and I am up quickly, finally taking a shower, brushing my teeth, and giving my hair some needed attention. I glare at myself in the mirror, I don't see anything but a pathetically weak girl, a criminal, and I don't want to look anymore. I leave the bathroom and sit down to my breakfast, which I notice has gotten larger recently.

Willow comes to visit with me after I am done, the company is great, and her constant stream of conversation keeps my mind out of darker places. She tells me all the gossip going around the district, apparently there are all sorts of rumors going on about me, mainly that I have gone mad with grief after Prim's death and was basically comatose in the hospital.

I chuckled, "Well that was actually true for some time. Apparently when I was on trial in the Capitol I didn't move, eat, or talk for weeks. It felt like just days to me, I was so numb."

Willows eyes were as wide as saucers, she shook her head, looking like she found what I'd said hard to believe, "But why Katniss? You're so strong, I can't imagine that…"

"Oh it is true. After I ….well after I killed Coin I just wanted to die myself. I had a nightlock tablet I tried to take, but I was stopped. Some of the time I still feel like I don't deserve to live when so many have lost their lives, it seems selfish and wrong, that I've done so much to cause the deaths of others but here I am alive and well." I sigh and look down at my hands "My sister, she meant the world to me. She was so full of joy, compassion, and empathy; I don't know how I feel about a world without her in it. She made my world more livable…without her…." Tears begin to form in my eyes and I grab a tissue and take a deep breath "Without her there is a light that was extinguishes forever, nothing will ever be the same."

Willow took my hand and stroked it a few times, nodding her head in empathy. "Thank you for telling me that Katniss" I raised my brow and asked, "Why?" and she smiled and replied, "Because you must trust me to talk about your sister with me everyone knew how much she meant to you, your reaction to her reaping was so instant and visceral…. Plus I am happy to see you getting your feelings out and able to talk about her." With that she gets up from the bed, "I have to get going to therapy, see you later!" and she is gone,

It turns out instead of PT I will now be working out in the gym with a group of new military recruits. Its embarrassing how weak and out of shape I am in comparison to months ago, when I was heading into battle with an elite squad, but I decided to start somewhere. The boys and girls were around Prim's age, most of them with their innocence intact, despite the war, they were kind to me, didn't laugh when I fell or failed at something, and it was so nice to be out of the hospital among the other people. I was hopeful this was the start to many other new freedoms that would eventually lead to my living on my own.

I get back to my room and Dr. Chand is there already and he greets me warmly. "So…how was breaking free of this place for a little bit?" I smile and answer "Fantastic, I feel like I can be alive again…. It makes me want more."

He chuckles, "Well today is your lucky day than, after our session you have a visitor and then the two of you will go to dinner in the cafeteria together. How does that sound? Do you feel ready to face it?" I have my mouth hanging open in surprise, I am filled with a feeling I haven't felt in a long time…joy was the best way to describe it, finally things were moving at a better pace, and maybe I'd be out of here sooner than I thought. "I would love that." I state through a huge grin. Dr. Chand smiles and nods approvingly.

"OK…. Then let's get started with our session here… I wanted to talk about the people you're likely to see down at the cafeteria and how you might react to them, just to prepare you." He waits for me to acknowledge and then continues, "Lets begin with Peeta, you haven't seen him since the day of…well lets say the incident, how are you feeling about him?"

"I miss him, and I am worried whether the hijacking has worn off completely, and whether things can ever be good between us again. Will we still love the people we are now. So… so many questions but mostly I just want to hold him again, look in his eyes, touch his blond hair, smell him" I blush and try to explain, "He smells like fresh made bread, right out of the over. He's the kindest most forgiving man in the world, I find it hard to believe why he would want me, still, after all this." I stop and look alarmed, "I'm sorry…that was….it was a lot I just started babbling and couldn't stop." I let out a nervous laugh and was quite waiting for the doctor to speak.

"No…no need to be sorry, this is what I want, what you need, to talk to get all those thoughts in your head said aloud so they no longer plague you. I know for sure how anxious Peeta is for your reunion, he asks about you endlessly. I am sure it will be awkward at first, but with time I think the two of you can find a new normal." I smile and nod, a new normal sounds good to me, nothing would really be old normal again anyhow. "Who else are you going to be looking for in the cafeteria?"

"Well…. I'd like to see Annie and Finnick, Haymitch, Delly, Willow of course, and really anyone from 12, its been so long." Dr. Chand looks at me intently, "Gale is here as well, he will be down there" he tells me gently, apparently having caught some of our heated reunion. "OK" I say dully but I am thinking of my dream and wondering how I will handle seeing him again.

Our session goes on, he explains to me that I will have regular cloths on, they sit on my bed next to me, but will be wearing a medical alert wristband, I am to activate it if I feel like being back in my room, need help or am feeling unwell. With that, he stand and leaves the room. I am alone and decide to change into the regular clothes they leave out for me, thankful I won't need to go into the cafeteria with my gown on.

I have my shirt pulled mostly over my head when someone knocks at the door. I pull the shirt the rest of the way over and walk across the room pulling the door open, expecting to see my mother but instead getting quite the shock.

"PEETA!" I exclaim, throwing my arms around his neck and bursting into tears at the sight of him. After a moment I pull away from him and drag him into my room. "Oh my god, I cannot believe you are finally here, look at you, handsome as ever. Thank you for coming" with that I am in tears again my head pressed into his shoulder, his arms go around my waist and shoulder and he pulls me tightly to him. We stay this way for a long while, he feels amazing around me, I knew I was missing him, but finally having him here made me realize how much that really way, I never wanted to leave the perfect moment we were having.

Peeta pulled back and held me at arms length examining me, "Katniss, you look amazing, every day since that day in the Capitol I have longed to hold you to me, to wipe your tears, and to comfort you…finally I can. But look at you…so skinny, I wish I could take all the bad things and hurt from the last 2 years away, you don't deserve any of this." With that tears were streaming down his face as well and I thought about what he has been going through and felt guilty for little thought I have given what he's been going through.

He reaches a hand to my hair and brushes it gently behind my ear, a gesture that I'd grown so used to from him but hadn't felt in months. It felt very good to feel his touch on me, still so tender "Peeta, you're amazing, after all this I can't believe you came for me here, all I have put you through. I'm sorry for all of it, I don't know how I can ever repay all of your kindness…. I don't….well I don't deserve you. You deserve someone who is together, someone who didn't shoot the president, someone who…" I want to continue but I can't I am crying again and I cannot get the words out anymore. I chock back my tears but manage to get out, "I love you" before Peeta has his arms around me again and is pressing me to his chest, he's so warm and his heart is beats strongly and I can feel it in my own chest.

He holds me for a long time before pulling back and makes eye contact with me, staring intently with his deep blue eyes, "Katniss, I love you more than anything, more than my life, I am so thankful to be here right now, holding you. I would wait for you forever if I had too. All I want out of life is to have you in it, in any way possible, but of course my preference would be as more than friends." He drops his gaze and blushes, taking my hands in his, "I love you, I can't say it enough, it's been too long since I've been able to say it to you." He moves a hand to my cheek and pulls my face gently up to his, brushing his lips gently against mine and moans lightly.

I use this opportunity to throw my arms around his neck and press my mouth against his for a much more passionate and longer kiss. My fingers linger in his hair, forcing his face closer to mine. I spread my lips and probe his with the tip of my tongue, he seems surprised but parts his mouth and we explore each other for some time with our tongues until we need to breathe. I look up and let out a noise halfway between a sign and purr and he grins at me. "Wow Katniss, and I was worried about trying to push you too fast."

I respond by laying back on the bed and beckoning him to join me, "Lay beside me Peeta, hold me like you used to all those nights on the train, please." I implored him to come to me with my eyes, needing to have his warmth next to me, He didn't argue and was beside me quickly. I found my familiar spot on his shoulder and closed my eyes taking in his sent and feel. I closed my eyes, "I wish this moment would never end Peeta, I don't want you to leave me, I am so sick of this place, I want to go home with you, I don't want you to leave me."

"Katniss, we will have many moments like this, each special and perfect, but for now we have to follow the doctor's orders and keep you here. It was torture not seeing you, but I will come every day now that I am allowed to. I wont miss anymore of life with you if I could help it." He glances at the clock on the wall and frowns. "I don't know where time has gone, but it's dinner time, your first time in the cafeteria sine we left on that last mission. Are you ready for this?" he asks me nervously.

"Yes, yes I am. I want to be anywhere that you are, with you by my side this will be much easier."

He smiles and stands extending a hand to me, then hoisting me up when I grab it. He pulls me close once more, kissing my cheek, neck and finally my mouth. After a few minutes he breaks free, "you are irresistible Katniss…." He trails off and leads me out the door. 


	10. Chapter 10

Peeta leads me down the hallways and through the underground maze that is District 13, as I pass why the residents I notice I am getting lots of look and smiles, I don't anyone but they all seem to know me. All the attention makes me a little uncomfortable and I take Peeta's hand firmly in my own, he gives me a reassuring squeeze, always seeming to know what I need, even though we've been apart for so long. As we near the cafeteria the halls begin to look familiar to me and I can see the hallway when I used to live off of, this made me think of Prim, snuggling with Buttercup, safe in our room and my mood began to go downhill.

Peeta could sense this and pulled me off to the side, out of the path of traffic and looked me in the eye, "Katniss, I know that this must be hard for you, walking by your old room, sitting at the table where you once sat with…." He drifts off and breaks my gaze, "well you know. But if you don't want to do this we don't have to. If you do want to do this please just let me know if it's too much and I will get you out of there right away. Anything you need Katniss, just tell me." He sounded so sincere, I looked at him and nodded, cracking a smile, more for my own benefit than his. With that we continue to the dining hall.

We enter the cafeteria and I hold my breath involuntarily, I am so much more nervous than I expected, but I have no idea why. We're walking towards the lines to get our trays and I become aware that a hush has fallen over the people gathered there and people are turning around to look at me, some of them waving, others just smiling. Peeta, seeing my facial expression puts his arm around my waist protectively and I try to ignore the stares and whispers while we get our food. Loaded down with trays we turn to the long tables in the hall and I wonder where to sit down. I don't have to think for too long before a very pregnant Annie is bouncing over to me, taking my hand and leading to me a table where she is sitting with Finnick.

"Katniss! You're back, you're finally back, and I've missed you so much." She sounds as excited as I have ever heard her. "I was hoping you'd be well before the little one came" she glances down at her belly with a smile "I really wanted you to here to hold him when he's born." She blushes and takes Finnick's hand, who squeezes it comfortingly.

"So Katniss, are you out for good or just for now" she asks, "Just for dinner, I wish it were for good but I hope that will be soon." I answer her. I look around and note that most people have gone back to their own meals and conversations and that people turned around to look at me only once in awhile. "So, Annie, how have you been feeling?" I ask her and she is off on a long story about the pregnancy, the nursery, and how excited her and Finnick are for the baby. I am thankful that she fills in the conversation and I listen intently while eating my dinner.

After we are finished with our dinners and our trays are cleared we sit and talk. Finnick eyes me and smiles, I haven't seen him since the day we sat around the table with Coin to discuss having one more Hunger Game with the Capitol's children. I wondered what he thought of my decisions during our last mission together, my foolishness almost cost him his life, I was so thankful it didn't, leaving Annie without him and alone with a child, it was too much to think about, so I switched my attention to the conversation at the table, which revolved around the plans to rebuild Panem.

"We're going to go back to 4 and raise our little one there. I want him to swim in the same waters where I learned." Finnick is saying while Annie looks on nodding her agreement. "Even once they build 13 up above the group we'll never feel like this place is home. Annie's mother is still in 13, it is a miracle she survived the war, but she did, in her basement for months, luckily she had lots of canned goods and cured meats. We want him to be near his grandma. How about you guys…is it back to 12, staying put here in 13 or what?"

I look at Peeta and shrug; I'd been so focused on getting out of the hospital I hadn't given much thought to life after that. In my dream a few nights ago we'd been living in a compartment here in 13, but surely we'd want to be above ground. But going back to my old home….that would be difficult, though I did miss the quiet and peacefulness of my woods. Peeta answers, "We're taking this one step at a time. Of course I will stay here as long as Katniss must stay here, but living underground is getting to be grating. As for where we'll go instead, well I'm not sure." He smiles and looks at me, giving me a wink "As long as I am with Katniss I don't much care where I am." Finnick and Annie exchange a knowing look and stand back up. "We've got to get going, but I hope we can eat together again tomorrow, its really nice having you back Katniss" Annie says before they walk off.

Now its just me and Peeta at the table, "I don't want to go back" I sign and close my eyes momentarily. When I open them again there are several people at the table, apparently waiting to shake my hand and talk to me. They take turns,

"Our Mockingjay, how nice to see you around, I was worried about you, thank you for all that you've done" one older gentleman says to me as he clasps my hands in his and shakes them vigorously.

"Are you back for good now? I understand what happened with Coin, to think she wanted to hold another game with the Capitol children" a woman who appears to be in her 30s tells me.

"Just awful what happened to you sister, I'm so sorry for your loss" a middle aged man says to me.

"You're my hero, one day I am going to be brave like you. Could you sign my album" a small child asks me as she holds out a book with pictures, poems and drawings, she indicates a spot near a picture of me during my before my first games, outfit ablaze holding Peeta's hand.

It goes on for a little while longer before I begin to get overwhelmed and give Peeta a look. He instantly knows that I am nearing the end of my patience and he announces that we have to go and he takes me by the hand and leads me out of the cafeteria. "Thank you" I say to him and he tells me "No problem". But I have to wonder, how is it that he helps me so much, but all I do is take and take from him, would I ever be giving back? I push the thought from my mind, knowing we'd have this discussion some day, but today isn't the day, not the first day I get to see him again.

We walk slowly back to the hospital and I check myself back in and we wander back to my room. By the time we get back we don't have much time before they start the medication and I am asleep. I want him to stay with me forever, but I know that won't happen so I try to make the best with that I have.

I sit on the side of my bed and look at Peeta, motioning for him to come sit by me, "Peeta, stay for just a little bit OK?" quickly his on the bed next to me and taking my hand in his. I lift my hand with his in it to my mouth, kissing the top of his hand and holding it to my forehead. "Will I see you tomorrow?"

"Yes, I'll come to take you to dinner again. Katniss, have you given any thought to what you'll do when we get you out of here? Do you want to stay here…do you want to be back in 12…do you want me to be with you?" he asks the last part in a rush, blushing bright red and casting his eyes down, as if he's not sure how I'll answer. I can't believe he'd for one minute even think I'd leave him now.

"Well I don't know where to go, nowhere feels like home anymore, I suppose we will make our own home. But of course we will be together wherever we are, I hope so anyhow. I would think it would be you who is going to get sick of me, my nightmares that keep you aware, my emotional instability, my impulsiveness….I can't believe you're standing by me after all this. You've saved me time after time, you give me so much, I can never repay you. I want to stay with you always." My chest heaves in a combination between a breath and a sob and I throw my arms around him "Please stay with me Peeta."

Before Peeta can answer a nurse knocks and walks in, "Time for bed Katniss." She chirps in her friendly voice. Peeta steps off of the bed and I grab my nightgown and go change in the bathroom. I come back out and lay down, "Can he stay with me until I fall asleep please?" I am thankful that she nods and begins to administer the drip. She leaves the room and Peeta comes to sit by my hear on a chair. He's smoothing my hair back and stroking my cheek.

"Katniss, I can't wait until we had be together, I can snuggle you next to me and protect you from all the nightmares. I would never leave you, how could I ever be sick of you. There's something about you, something deep inside you, which I just cannot get out of my mind. I love you, I love all of you…including your impulsiveness." He bends down and kisses my cheek, I try to reach my head up to kiss him mouth but the medication is starting to kick in and I can only give him a lopsided smile before I close my eyes.

With my eyes closed and so heavy I can feel him rubbing gently circles in my back and I sigh, happy, but wishing we were in his room, on his bed with his arms around me. With that I am lost in my dreams again. This time its me and Peeta and we're walking the streets of 12 again, it is back to the way it was before the bombing and somehow we're older, many years older, but we're walking hand in hand. We pass the bakery and his parents and brothers wave at us, still alive and unharmed, but we keep going.

A sense of understanding comes over me and I know we're walking to the school. When we get there a little girl with blond hair and eyes like mine comes bounding towards us and I stoop down and open my arms to her picking her up and spinning her a few times. She's giggling and reaching for Peeta as he showers her with kisses and pulls me and her closer to him with one arm. I know it's our daughter, she's beautiful and I love her, I can tell Peeta loves her more than anything to, his eyes are shining with happiness, he wanted kids more than anything. The two of us hold unto one of her hands each and walk home. As we approach our house Prim comes out of the side door and starts towards us, the little girl breaks free some my grasp and runs to her. Prim turns to me, no longer a child but a beautiful young woman who looks so much like my mother, and she smiles a knowing smile, she grabs the little girl's hand and takes her into the house.

Peeta grabs me by the waist and turns me to face him kissing me with a passion I've not felt before and whispers in my ear "How about we go make her a little brother and sister." And then I am giggling, blushing even in my dream, but not angry. Before the dream goes further I slip into a deeper sleep and it slips away from me.


	11. Chapter 11

**Peeta's POV**

The weeks without Katniss were hard, I missed her so much that it hurt. Now that I finally get to see her I don't want to leave her side. I sit by her as she falls asleep and I hold her hand. She's beautiful when she's awake, but now there is this peacefulness to her, she is calm and still. Her nose is scrunched up as if she is thinking about something very hard and her hair falls over her face as she moved unto her side. I know she is asleep but I don't want to leave her side, I brush the hair from her face and slowly lean down to kiss her cheek. At first I fear that I've woken her up, as she turns towards me slightly and her mouth forms a small smile, but she lets out a slow sigh and her eyes remain closed.

Eventually the nurses gently tell me its time for me to go and I get up reluctantly. I want to be close to her, I wish I was going to be there when she woke up. I don't understand why they've kept us away from each other, likely fear of me and what I might do if I have another tracker-jack venom attack. I shudder remembering that I'd once tried to choke her, my beautiful Katniss, and even still she wanted to be with me, at least I hope.

The truth is that the venom still effects me occasionally. The doctors got me to the point where I know what the difference between the real and fake memories are, the Capitol memories are shiny, they seem more distant from me, and they are, they were planted in my mind. The real memories have emotions other than rage tied to them. I have coping mechanisms now that I am mainly well. I keep a ball in my pocket, I grip it is I feel a bad memory coming on. The problem is, with Katniss having been away for so long, they don't know how I will react around her.

The plan is for me to get myself as far from her as possible if I begin to see the shininess in my mind, I can feel it coming, the memories are often accompanied by a headache in a certain part of my brain. Backup plans, for when hopefully we can live together on our own, are the pills. I hate them because taking one will sedate me for 8 hours, I won't be conscious until it wears off completely, but I know that they are necessary for a backup plan. One day I hope that the shiny memories will be gone forever, replaced by happy real memories, but for now I still have the occasional attack.

I leave her room and wander the halls for a bit, I find myself down the hallway that Katniss' mother lives now and I am at her door. I can see the television on, so I knock, hoping Mrs. Everdeen is not asleep. I'm glad when she opens the door, fully dressed and alert with a big smile, and she welcomes me in.

"Peeta, so nice to see you, I was hoping you'd some see me soon"

I smile warmly, Katniss' mother is such a kind woman, she reminds me of Prim, she must do the same to Katniss, it makes me sad remembering the littlest Everdeen. "Nice to see you too, I've missed you, just seems weird to visit without….without Katniss. Why were you hoping to see me?" I ask, genuinely curious, we'd always had a friendly relationship, but were never very close. We were closer than I ever was to own mother of course, she acted like she didn't like me or my brothers most of the time.

"Well… Katniss will be out the hospital soon or later, of course we're all hoping for sooner and the discussion is going around about where to relocate her. She could come here to live me or she could live alone in her own compartment. No one likes that idea, we're worried that left to her own devices she might slip away from reality again, I think she will be fragile for some time to come, after everything that's happened. But another option" she smiles at me at this point and winks "is for the two of you to live in a double compartment together. Of course I'd love to have my daughter with me, but I wonder if she wont be happier with you as a….roommate, What to do you think?"

I throw my arms around her neck and give her a huge hug…living together would be a dream for me, a true test of my coping skills and of hers. "Yes, of course yes, oh that makes me so happy, having her with me…. Well let's say I would never leave her." I grin at Mrs. Everdeen

"I should mention…. This is a double compartment, with 2 bedrooms and 2 beds, a shared living area and bathroom….but two beds…. I just want to make that clear." She gives me a meaningful look and I blush fiercely. "Understood" answer and wish her good night.

I walk back to my own single room and am filled with a positive feeling. We can finally be together soon, no more doctors listening in, or the Capitol forcing up together, no more pretending, just the two of us, together. I climb into bed and dram of Katniss and I together, her head against my chest as we relax on the couch together. For the first time in a long time my dreams aren't filled with the Arena or the war, but of her and us together.

**Gales POV**

Seeing her in the cafeteria was so difficult. She didn't even look for me, as if I didn't exist, To her I probably didn't really exist. I wanted to go over to her, to try to talk to her again, but she looked so happy to be out I couldn't bring myself to it. She was also accompanied by Peeta, how she could chose him is beyond me. It hurts she would pick a man who attempted to kill her over me, I worry for her safety with him, when they are along, but there's nothing I can do. Actually there's nothing I can do for her at all, she wants nothing to do with me, I don't know if it will ever change.

Every night I lay in my bed and I rethink the time I spent with Beetee in the labs finding new weapons, and running simulations. It seemed like such a brilliant idea at the time, a bomb that would go off once and injure people and then when medics came to kill everyone. It wasn't ever meant to be used to hurt children, not to hurt our own medics, I would never have done it if I had known.

I loved Prim as I loved my own sister Posy, had I known she would be one of the medics harmed by the bomb me and Beetee would never have designed it. Katniss was right, I was a murderer. Something inside me made me think of such an awful device and unfortunately, I had the ability to make it a reality. I was sick to even think of it. I regret the moment the idea came to me every moment of every day.

Loosing Katniss to Peeta romantically was bad enough, but she was my best friend, not having her in my life at all would kill me. Sadness overwhelms me, tears streak across my face as I curse myself for being so weak, I hate to cry. I get up from the best and pace back and forth trying to think of any way to get Katniss to take me back into her life. It kills me to think when she looks at me all she can see is Prim burning on t he ground.

I stop pacing and decide to go see Haymitch, since I've become quite the recluse since arriving back in 13 I don't have any friends and no one I can talk to, Haymitch isn't the best option but at the moment he seems to be the only one. I walk to his door, only a few doors down from my own and bang loudly. I hear the door unlock and he opens it, standing in front of me half drunk, his head cocked to one side. I pushed past him and plopped on his couch.

"I didn't have anywhere else to go…. I am just so sorry….sorry for everything…I don't know what to do." I say, but sound pained as I am trying to fight back tears, I hate crying in front of someone else more than I hate crying alone.

Haymitch walks over to me cautiously and shakes his head, "Here" he says as he offers me a bottle filled with a clear liquid. I take a swig and it burns the entire was down to my stomach, surprising the pain feels good and the desire to cry begins to subside. I take another drink and hand the bottle back to him as he sits down on the opposite side of the couch.

"Still won't talk to you will she?"

I shake my head, "No, I saw her in the cafeteria earlier and she didn't even glance at me, she doesn't need me with Peeta on her arm" I say bitterly. "She thinks I killed her sister, she hates me"

The old man nods but doesn't refute what I've said, he knows its true. "Maybe with time and distance she will see that while you designed the method that killed her sister you would never have done so had you known how it would be used. But….well that you thought of the weapon at all concerns her I know." He paused not wanting to anger me, "Specifically targeting the medics who tend to the wounded, well its pretty severe, perverse some would say. It's a horrifying way to fight, with the new rules of engagement for war being written down its one of the specific things that will be made illegal. Medics will be protected."

I lean my body against the back of the couch, I feel numb, and soon I will be a war criminal. It was horrible, the design was wrong….how could I think of something like that, I was a disgusting person and I didn't deserve to have her even look my way. How could she ever forgive me? Could I forgive her if the tables were turned and we were talking about Posy. I'm not sure. Haymitch passes me the bottle again and we take turns drinking for it.

The liquid warms me from the inside and soon the pain of losing her feels further away than before. I take swigs from the bottle until I feel ill and my vision gets fuzzy. I stand up, deciding it's time to go back to my room and get myself into bed. I stagger towards the door, looking back at Haymitch, but he's passing out on the couch, I shake my head and decide to go do the same.

I make it to my room, it takes awhile and I try to enter someone else's room first, but I finally get there. I plop unto my bed my clothes and shoes still on. As I drift out of consciousness I am devising a plan – get Katniss back – but for that I will need to leave her.


	12. Chapter 12

**Katniss' POV**

The days pass more quickly and soon I am out of the hospital more than I am in, this suits me. I take all of my meals in the cafeteria, exercise with the class my own age, and am even given some free time to visit with people outside my room. I grow impatient, I want to be free finally and bring this up each time I see Dr. Chand. He always manages to find a way to push me.

Until today. Me and Peeta are sitting on my bed playing a card game my mother had shown me, passing the time away until dinner when 2 officials entered the room.

"Ms. Everdeen…Mr. Mellark… we're here to show you to your new quarters" I saw Dr. Chand in the hallway behind them grinning, I could almost hug him as happy as I am.

"Oh yes!" I jump up, grabbing Peeta's hand and pulling him with me. I follow the men down a few hallways until we're in front of a door to a compartment. I look at the name tags outside the doors and am caught by surprise, it has both my and Peeta's names on it. I raise a brow at Peeta but say nothing, its not necessary to talk though as he knows my question, "We'll be roommates, each with our own bedrooms and a shared common area" he says with the biggest grin I've been.

Finally, after having our fingerprints registered to the room we're let into our new place, we're told our things will be sent up while we're at dinner. Once we're alone I explore then room. In the main area is a couch, a loveseat, a coffee table, and a TV. Off to the side is a small dining or work table and some empty book cases, and to my surprise a small fridge. Inside the bedrooms are the standards – the bed, dressers, mirror, night table and so one. In the closet my new wardrobe of dray clothing is hanging, Peeta's room is the same.

Me and Peeta meet back in the living room and sit next to each other on the couch. In the hospital someone was always watching, or so I assumed, here we were alone, this was both exciting and terrifying to me. I took him hand and looked at him intently, "Are you sure you want to do this? Live with me like this? What if I keep you up with my nightmares each night? What if you get sick of me? What if…." I am interrupted as Peeta puts one finger up to my mouth and shakes his head rigorously.

"No Katniss, I could never be sick of you…as for the nights, I am happy I can be there with you, you don't have to suffer in your dreams with me around. The thought of you along, stuff in a nightmare with no one to shake you awake bothers me so much. This is what I want Katniss, this is what makes me happy, you are what makes me happy." He takes both of my hands in his and pulls me to his chest, encircling me with his arms firmly. And with that my doubts are gone.

"OK Peeta, I believe you. So what should we do now?" I ask him. He pulls me up from the couch, smiling his reassuring smile as always, "Dinner" he says, and with that we're out the door walking the unfamiliar hallways to the cafeteria. We get our trays and sit with our usual dining partners, Finnick, Annie, my mother, and a few others from District 12. It seems like every other night in recent memory; all is calm as it can be with so many people eating in one area.

I am eating my dinner and Annie is telling me a story about a doctor's appointment she'd had earlier that day when she went silent, staring over my head to something behind me. I turn around, not sure what to expect and see what she is looking at immediately. Its Gale, he's walking towards my table with a look of determination in his eyes. I stand to meet him, trying to state him down.

"Katniss, I had to say goodbye you before I leave" he's staring at me with those slate eyes; they used to hold a mystery to them for me, so intense and unwavering. Now when I look into his eyes I see a cold soul, a murderous and vengeful stare, not my old friend any longer.

"Bye Gale" I say sharply and shoot daggers with my eyes. Peeta stands up beside me, putting an arm around my waist, joining my staring contest with Gale.

Gale swallows hard and continues, "I don't know if I'll ever be able to convince you I never meant for Prim to get hurt. All I know is that I love you, when you're ready to hear me, I will always be waiting for you. I am leaving for District 2in the morning, a job in the army is taking me there. There's so much I need to say to you, but I don't think you're really listening to me yet. Maybe when the pain has faded and your memory of me doesn't immediately bring up Prims death….maybe then you'll remember our years together in the woods, hunting side by side, feeding our families. I am leaving my family here, I hope you'll still look after them, I know that you love Posy as your own, my brother and mother too, they still love you very much." I feel a twinge of guilt at this, I hadn't really seen Gale's family since being back, I make a note to visit with them soon, it wasn't them I hated….it was him, and really I didn't know about that either. Gale grabs my hand and says, "I love you Katniss, I am not giving up on you. What we had together, it was magical, we can have that again… When you're ready."

With that he walks away from me, leaving me standing there, my mouth hanging open, the hand he'd grabbed numb. I am not sure how long I stood, staring after him, I heard the folks at my table saying my name and eventually I felt Peeta give me a little shake. "Katniss, let's go to our room Okay?" he asks and I nod, snapping out of my stupor. I do the polite thing and wish the others a good night, and I allow Peeta to lead me down the halls and to my room. We don't talk until the door closes behind us and Peeta has led me over to the couch.

"So, pretty odd wasn't that? Are you OK Katniss?" Peeta asks me, his face full of concern.

I think for a moment before answering him, "I'm not really sure honestly. I remember all of the times with him before the games. He was my best friend, my second set of eyes in the woods, someone I could count on to help my family if I couldn't. But now…well he's the type of person who could think of such an awful device, the bomb that killed Prim. I will always know that deep inside he is capable to thoughts and ideas that are disgusting and unthinkable."

Peeta is holding my hand and making gentle circles on my back with the other hand, "I don't think he is going away for good Katniss," I look at him, "Well, I wish he would, it could never be the same between us." Peeta looks down at our hands, intertwined together, and says softly, "But he loves you Katniss….". At this point I am callous, "Oh well." I say loudly. "Did you ever love him?" I am confused and it registers on my face as he goes on, "I want you to be happy, if you love him than you'll never be truly happy without him. You might feel hate for him now, with the events in the not very distant past, but in a few years, after the pain has faded….." He trails off, his eyes becoming puffy.

I am baffled at his reaction and take a deep breath before answering, he was upset and I didn't want to make it worse, "Looking back on it, I think the most I've felt was a brother/sister type love for him. We're so similar, not just in looks but also in personality. I don't think he is good for me, I am hot headed enough without him. So no… I don't think I ever did love him the way you're asking about." I saw Peeta's face visibly soften with my words and he now wore a slight grin. "Glad to hear I don't have him as competition" he states jokingly.

Peeta looks at me and asks, "Bed time?" I nod and stand pulling him up with me. "Will you stay with me while I fall asleep?" I ask and am rewarded with a nod. After I am changed into my nightgown Peeta sits on the bed beside me stroking my hair and gently rubbing my bed.

"Do you really have to go back to your bedroom?" I ask him, remembering how much comfort I have in his strong arms.

"Hmm…I'm not sure, do you really think it's a good idea for me to stay with you hear?"

My eyelids are growing heavy as Peeta continues rubbing my back and I reach my hand towards his chest and rest it against his heart, "mmmhmmm" I say, but can tell Peeta is skeptical. "I'd better now just yet." I hear him say as he slips an arm around my waist and leans down to kiss my cheek. He whispers something else, but I am not aware of much anymore.

Without my IV drip of sleep medication I dream vividly. Tonight I am young again and my father has recently died. It's the first day I decide to go into the woods and try my hand at gathering meat for my hungry family. I am holding the bow and arrow in the hand but I am scared of the woods slightly, I am all alone in the world. Before long I see a tall figure standing on a ledge, dark hard floating in the breeze behind him and eyes trained on a doe. I am watching at he inches towards the prey, and in a flash he's released an arrow that finds its home between the eyes of the doe. I gasp at the quickness of it all and the sound catches his attention as he turns towards me, bow and arrow in trained at my head.

The image fades and another replaces it. This time its Gale and I, we're gathering blackberries to snack on, We pick a small bagful and move unto a shady bit of grass and moss under a large tree. We're sprawled on the ground, eating the berries and talking about our lives. Gale is angry at the Capital as always, he's telling me the latest news of punishment in the district and the hate in his eyes and voice is palpable. "How can they do this to us? They keep us down, kill our children, crush our spirits. If only I had the chance, I want to destroy them, to make them suffer like we suffer." He is shaking with rage and I try to quiet him. "I hate them too Gale, but what can we do? We just try to take care of ourselves, stay out of their way, mind our own business, and do what we can not to starve." But he won't have any of it. "We have to fight, one day we fight and we will win". I hated these conversations with Gale, it scared me a little to see him so angry.

I close my eyes against the strong sunshine and when I next open them we're in 13 and Gale is showing me the sketches for the new weapons he's designed, "This one will explode, releasing a gas or something that will hurt and stun the people around it, but won't kill them. Then, when the medics are rushing in to help the injured a second explosion will occur, this explosion will be deadly, killing both the original victims and the medics." I am shocked he would think of such a thing and protest the idea but he shakes my objections off, "War isn't fair Katniss, 75 years of killing our children isn't fair, letting the people stare while the people of the Capitol live in excess and luxury isn't fair. I want to hurt as many of them as possible. I hate them" he hisses out the last line. I please with him to scrap the plans and in the end simply sit by him in silence, knowing I will never convince him that his plans are wrong, he has too much hate in his arms.

I feel alone though I am next to him, wondering where the boy I had known before was and then we're back in the woods again. We're happy, hunting together, watching each other's backs, acting as one until again. I shoot down a rabbit and he grabs my hand, running towards it. I am free and the crisp spring air feels amazing against my skin, when we reach the rabbit Gale spins me around towards him, "Remember this when you think of me Katniss, please…the woods, the hunting, the fresh air. Remember me here, like this, I will always remember you here like this." I am jolted awake, trying to shake off an uneasy feeling. Peeta is gone and morning is close by. I hug my knees to my chest, trying to think of Gale without thinking of the bombs.


	13. Chapter 13

As I am now out of the hospital I am to get my schedule tattooed on me like everyone else in the district. I walk into my living room and stick my arm in the device. This will be the first time I've done this since….since I left for the Capitol, since Prim was alive. I shiver with the memory and try to shake it off quickly, I know if my mental state shows deterioration I will be sent back to the hospital, or put on strong medications, likely both. I move over to the couch, quietly, trying not to wake Peeta, and inspect the schedule…

8:00 am: Breakfast

9:30 am: Command

11:00 am: Gym

12:00: Lunch

1:00- 3:00 pm – Classes

3:00 – 5:00 pm: Free time

5:00 pm: Dinner

6:30 pm: Room 781

I have no idea what could be wanted of me in command this morning, I hope Peeta will be coming with me, and what is in room 781? I heave myself off the couch with a sigh and glance at the clock, 7 am, late enough to wake Peeta so I slip into his room.

I stand just inside the doorway admiring his sleeping form. He sleeps with no shirt on I notice and this makes me feel like I should leave the room and give him privacy. This is silly of course, I have seen him in further states of undress of course, after the Games there shouldn't be any modesty left between us, but this feels different. Somehow standing here, unknown to him and watching his half naked body sleep seems so much more intimate. Maybe because this isn't a life of death situation where modesty is so quickly forgotten, this feels like voyeurism instead.

I can't bring myself to wake him yet, I am mesmerized by the rhythmic movement of his chest with his breath. He is lean with well defined muscles, a side effect of spending time in the arena and at war. He's beautiful to me, though there are scars all over his body and burns as well. I walk closer to him until I am standing against his bed and can feel his warm breath. I could wake him now, but instead I cautiously crawl into the bed next to him, wrapping an arm around his broad shoulders and breathing in his sweet scent. I close my eyes and place my forehead against his back, feeling his begin to stir and not wanting to let go of him.

I prop myself up on an elbow and see that he is opening his eyes and I whisper to him, so he is not frightened to find someone with him, "Peeta…Peeta, I am here with you" I murmur softly and a smiles over his face as he flips over to face me, "Katniss! I didn't even hear you come in, have you spent the whole night here?"

I shake my head in answer. "No, I only just came in. I came into your room to wake you, but you looked so peaceful sleeping I couldn't do it. Watching you sleep….it was great, I have missed you so much, even before all of this, you were hijacked and could hardly stand the sight of me." The last bit comes out in a rush and I regret saying it as soon as I do. I bury my face in my hands, not wanting to see Peeta's reaction. The truth is that I worry about the hijacking and how he is doing now, so much has been about me and my recovery, I wanted to know if he was fully recovered as well. I sneak a look at him by moving one hand and I see that he is thoughtful, looking at me with sad eyes, opening his mouth as if you say something and then closing it.

After a few minutes in silence Peeta takes my hands in his, he gazes directly into my eyes, a very serious expression on his face. "Katniss… if I could undo the hijacking completely I would do it, if I could take back the day I attacked you, I would give anything. But I can't, and nothing I do will ever erase me. But I know now how to control the flashbacks, I can feel them coming and I promise I will get myself to a place where I can't hurt you if I feel it." He pauses and reaches behind his back to his nightstand and produces a vial of pills. "These pills will not only put a stop to my flashback but sedate me for about 8 hours. I am giving them to go. If we're ever in a situation where I cannot get away from you, and you cannot get away from me, take one of these and shove it down my throat, in whatever way necessarily to get it down. I don't care if you have to hurt me." He hands me the pills and looks sadder the longer he talks, it is difficult for him, and the pained look on his face makes that obvious.

He sits up in the bed and I follow him, our hands still intertwined. "Promise me that if I tell you that you should go, you will go" I am hesitant, I want to help him and I bite my lip and look down into my lap. "Katniss" he moves a hand to my chin and gently moves it up to a place where we are making eye contact. "You have to promise me, I need to know that if I have an incident that you'll know what to do, which is get away from me or give me one of those pills if you can't. Please…please promise me." He is pleading with me and on the verge of tears, "OK Peeta, I promise. I wish I could help you like you help me, but I think I understand how different this is." I shrug and hop off the bed and throw a shirt from his dresser at him, "Might want to be dressed for breakfast" I giggle lightly as I leave the room and go wait for him on the sofa.

It doesn't take Peeta long before he is in the living room getting his daily schedule. He comes to sit over by me and we stick our arms out to compare. We will have breakfast and dinner together, instead of classes he has a shift baking in the kitchen and while he has gym at the same time it won't be with same class. The thing I am most relieved with is that he will be with me in command this morning and in the mysterious room 781 in the evening.

"What could they want with us in command you think?" I ask him "In the past it's never been good." I think back to my time in command with Coin and Boggs, another person dead because of me.

"I don't really know. I know that Paylor has been anxious for you to get better, I've been up there a few times for a debriefing and for depositions centered around the trials for Coin's war crimes." He shrugged and stood, reaching for my hand. "Breakfast time? No point worrying about this now, we will know soon enough."

I get up and follow him out of the door and into the hallway, but while we walk I cannot get the feeling of unease out of my mind. Why would Paylor need to see me, I had long ago agreed to help write an accurate history of Panem, maybe this meeting is about that project, though I would have hoped to be given a chance to adjust to life as a free person before being shipped around. It could be about Coin, but who would believe anything I had to say about her after what I did? Could she be sending me out with the military again? I hope not, if I never have to hold another gun again it will be too soon, I have seen enough fighting and almost died so many times, I couldn't go through with it again. So many possibilities, I wish these schedules came with more detail. I resolve to enjoy breakfast and not think of it anymore.

Peeta and I get our breakfast trays and sit at a small table for two, deciding we would use the time to catch up with each other. "Tell me about your work in the kitchens here…" I ask Peeta and he obliges

"Well, each day I am responsible for making the breads and any sweets that 13 has rationed for. They are so exacting with food here, and so fearful of waste, everything is tracked and measured half to death. A lot of the joy is taken out of baking for me, but not all of it. Someone else warms the ovens and sets out the ingredients, when I come in I knead, allow to rise and form. The ingredients I have to work with are limited, I make plain and efficient bread mostly. Once in awhile I get some cheese for your rolls or chocolate for some cookies, but most days its plain wheat bread. One day…." He looks wistful "One day I will be to get the ingredients I want and have my own oven in which to make." He looks dreamily off into the distance and I chuckle.

"And where will this stove of yours be? We have no home other than this one" I glance around and feel sad, I miss our old home and friends in 12 immensely.

"They are rebuilding everywhere Katniss, I will go wherever you want to go, that is where I am going to be happiest. But these are dreams, there is unfinished business here for the both of us for a time, after that we will be free to go, to try and rebuild our life. Wherever and whatever you want." He takes my hand and brings it up to his lips to kiss it softly. "I am always going to be here for you, as long as you'll let me." I smile and softly sign, "Good…"

Before long breakfast is over and we are walking hand and hand to command, the closer I get the more nervous I am and Peeta can sense this as he clasps my hand more firmly. Outside the door we pause and I turn to face him, "Peeta… what if…what if this is something bad?". His arms encircle my waste and he firmly presses me to him, I can feel his heart beat and warmth, I feel so secure. "I will be here by your side no matter what this is, what happens now or in the future, I will always be here and will always try to protect you Katniss" he whispers into my ear. Suddenly I don't feel so scared anymore, his reassurance was just what I needed, surely with him by my side I could handle this, whatever it was.

I straighten out, and grab his hand again, pushing the door to the room open. I cross the threshold and am met with the same sight I got used to so long along, a corridor of security verifications, metal detectors, and stations where armed guards would search me. After we got through the measure we got to enter the room where I knew Paylor would be waiting.

I was correct; in the room were Paylor and a few other military personnel and most surprisingly Haymitch, who I had not seen in quite awhile. President Paylor smiles her warm smile at me and gestured towards the table, "Please sit Katniss, Peeta, welcome to command, thank you for coming this morning." We both sit down, next to each other and not far from Haymitch, with whom we exchange nods and tight smiles.

"I am sure you are wondering what you're doing here this morning" Peeta and I both nod as she continues, "Well, as you may know though former President Coin is no longer with us we are pressing forward with our investigations of her conduct during the rebellion and what happened when and where. I feel that we cannot truly understand the rebellion and what we were fighting against until we know exactly what happened. Much of her decisions were cloaked in secrecy, a lot of people know various bits and pieces of her decisions, but we need to get the whole picture. Of course I hope not to have any further fighting in Panem, but there needs to be rules and standards set up for the humane treatment of both our own citizens and any possible enemies that we hope we never have." She pauses to give us a chance to absorb what was said and to comment.

Peeta speaks up first, "Removing the secrecy from the rebellion is good, secrecy is one of the things the Capitol did best, I want to make sure this new Panem doesn't ever become like the Panem of the past."

Paylor is nodding in agreement, "I couldn't agree more Peeta, new Panem will have free and open trade, communication and travel between all of the districts, Katniss here will go to each district to write up their history so we can have one without the Capitol influences. If we do not make the actions of the government, Coin and our military, known than we are no better than what we've overthrown. The days of being fearful of the government and harsh punishments for small infractions are over. I promise you that if I have any control over it."

Her words sink in and for the first time since this entire thing began with the berries during the first games I begin to feel some hope. This woman is nothing like Coin, she doesn't seem to want me dead at all, she isn't threatened by my hold on people, she wants to do the right thing. "What do you want us to do?" Peeta is next to nodding adds in, "I am happy to help in any way I can, I want a better future for our children." He looks down at me meaningfully and I turn 5 shades of purple at the thought of what we would be doing to make children. I swat him in the shoulder to indicate my dismay and he grins at me, obviously enjoying my discomfort.

Paylor coughs a little smiling at Peeta, "Well, we have been doing interviews with the people involved and getting every side of the story. You of course will have a lot to add, but we are starting off with the last mission that you were sent on, where you ended up at the Capitol and were burned. We've had some reports, documents and recordings that indicate that Coin sent you into the mission with the plan of you not coming back. Perhaps a soldier was sent along with the team that she instructed to harm you, it was also rumored that Peeta was sent with the team even though his hijacking was not yet under control with the hope that harm would come to Katniss." She is solemn and waits for our reaction.

Peeta nods sadly, "I've often wondered why I was sent with the team, I held them back most of the time, I had to be handcuffed…..I am so sorry Katniss, so very sorry, I can't believe I ever wanted to hurt you, I can't believe…."

Paylor interrupted him, "This isn't about blaming you, this was not your fault, no one could fault you for what you could not help. We can however fault someone who sent you in knowing you were not better. This is what we are going to get to the bottom of. Now, we will schedule your interviews, one together and shorter interviews separately for this week. Please know that the full truth is important to me, to us really, meaning Panem. What you say will stay confidential, when the final report is released it will be a factual account, there won't be any direct quotes or cited sources of people who provided information. You cannot have what you say to us used against you. It was war-time and we know some things were done that were not ideal, but we need to learn from our mistakes and actions. If we don't we risk becoming just like the government we fought so hard to overthrow."

With that Peeta and I express our understanding and agreement and Paylor dismisses us. We walk out of the door and talk in the hallway, this is the point where we split us and do our daily workouts with different groups. Haymitch walks out behind us and stands in front of us, for once at a loss for words. Finally, after a few awkward moments, "Sweetheart….please tell them everything. He gives us a meaningful look and saunters away towards the housing wing.

We exchange confused looks but are short on time so need to discuss it later. "I guess this is it until dinner, will you be OK Katniss?" I nod and smile, "Yes… yes I think I will be." Peeta wraps his arms around me in a tight hug and gives me one final squeeze before letting go of me. I decide to walk away first, I know he won't be able to. I give him a final wave of goodbye and I am off, down the hallway to the elevator.


	14. Chapter 14

Gym class in 13 is basically code for military training. Though the rebellion is over the curriculum for the young people in the district hasn't changed much, the goal is for everyone to be in physical shape to fight at all times, to bring the children up to know how to handle various weapons and how to survive a conflict. This isn't entirely a bad thing, many of the things being taught are good life skills, and being in top physical shape isn't such a bad idea either. The reason for the classes are what makes me sad, I realize we still live in a world where the worst could happen, it's a scary place to raise children.

My class is a group of boys and girls a year or so younger than me, the classes are done by ability level, and I am embarrassed to say my strength and speed are down since the so called incident with Coin. Once I am back to shape fully I should be able to be with people my own age. It's amazing to me to think that the others my age still live with their parents, they are like normal teenagers and then there's me and Peeta, our youth was taken away from us by the Capital, long before that mine had been taken from me when my father died. Of course now, after the rebellion many of young people have lost a parent or sibling, they understand more but it is a far cry from having to kill and avoid being killed for entertainment in the games. The thought turns my stomach; I hate thinking of my time in the arena and the things I had to do in order to be here now.

Instead I focus on the class, I need to get my timed run time down before I can move on, so this is what I work on first. I jog around the track trying to tune the world out around me until I see Willow, she is halfway around the track and she spots me at the same time I see her. Willow pauses on the track waiting for me to catch up and once I do she picks up again running alongside me. Time goes faster with her by my side. I find her stream of words, telling me all about the social goings on of the district fascinating. With the rebellion at an end the district is getting less tight with their rations, now crops can be grown above ground and animals can see sunlight.

Willow tells me about her new work, "Since I have done well in my classes I have moved unto the agriculture field, I will be assisting with the grunt work at first but it's OK, I get to be outside in the sunshine digging in the dirt, it's what I've always wanted. There is going to be such a greater variety of food here now. I am learning about the planting and care of all sorts of things, tomatoes, peppers, lettuce, corn, and radishes….well you get the idea. Their different needs are so interesting to me, and we can engineer the plants to grow larger fruits, cross them with each other, so many things." Her eyes show me how excited she is about this, and after so many years underground eating the same food every day I don't need to ask her why.

"Do you think you'll stay in 13 after you're released?" she asks me, obviously hopeful my answer will be a yes. "Well, I will travel around the districts at first, but after my job is done there I am not sure where I will settle. Might be here, might in 12, or somewhere else entirely." I shrug and steer the conversation in a different direction, it's hard for me to think too far into the future, it is hard to imagine that I even have a future.

After gym I run back to my room for a quick shower before lunch. Once I enter I know someone has been here and dropped out things off. I go to my room and check my nightstand drawer, in there is the small pile of notes Peeta wrote me while we were apart. In my dresser is the silver fabric of the parachute and the pearl Peeta had given to me so long ago. The notebook I had been keeping for Dr. Chand was also in there. I didn't have too long to look through the things delivered to our room as I was headed to lunch and knew how tight of a schedule they liked to keep here, I was hungry after the work out.

I walk into the cafeteria and realize it is my first time coming here without Peeta. I dislike being away from him, but so glad that I am getting my independence back slowly but surely. Before the games I never counted on anyone for anything, even my mother, after my father's death she was a shell of a person, she needed me to care for our family. I realize there was one person I did count on, Gale, and with that thought I knew who I needed to find in the dining hall…his family, I had been so close to them, his sister Posy was only a little bit younger than my Prim, his mother like a second mother to me. I was ashamed that I never went to them after the final mission, they remind me so much of Gale, and it is so painful to think of him. Today I decide it's time to find them and reconnect, it isn't their fault that Gale….well did what he did and became whoever he is now.

I search the tables and see the 3 of them sitting together next to my mother and once I have my tray I approach them, feeling unsure of myself. I stand in front of their table and clear my throat slightly, "Hi….can I eat here with you?' I ask quietly as Mrs. Hawthorn and my mother look up in surprise. Once Posy sees me she is out of her seat and has her small arms around my waist. She is still so tiny but has grown so much since she left 12 after the bombings. "Of course!" they tell me in unison and I put my tray down next to Posy's.

As we eat I can feel that things are awkward and once the children finish they are sent to the indoor playground and park to burn off some energy. My mother and Mrs. Hawthorne ask me the usual small talk questions before Mrs. Hawthorn moves on to what she must have been thinking of this entire time.

"Katniss, Gale asks about you each time we talk. He misses you so much, do you think…someday soon you'll be up to talking to him? You used to be so close" she asks me quietly looking at her hands while she talks. My mother takes one of her hands in her own and gives her a reassuring squeeze. They are friends here and it surprises me, they were never very close at home.

I shake my head sadly, "I don't know, I'm sorry but I just don't. Let's not talk about it too much, maybe one day I can think of him separate from what happened, I will let you know if that day comes. For now, I want to reconnect with you, Posy and Rory…it's been such a long time, the kids are so big now…" we prattle on for some time about what the kids are doing, how Posy misses me, and I promise to come over to spend some time with her, I was like her sister too.

At the end of lunch Mrs. Hawthorne looks at me, "Gale is working at clearing the district of the traps the Capitol set. He is trying to make up for the things you're upset at him for. Maybe one day…" she doesn't finish her through and excuses herself. My mother bids farewell to me as well, letting me know she will at the medical center until dinner time in case I need her.

The rest of the afternoon is uneventful…since my education was interrupted by the games I had never moved unto the specialized classes for skills. It was decided, I am not sure by who, that I would do best working with children as a teacher. My guess is that it had something to do with my assignment to write the new history of Panem. The course was interesting; I was going to be learning how to get through to children, the best way to teach them to help them retain information and so on. In the end though I didn't want to work with children, I had nothing for them, I didn't even want my own. I wanted to be outside during my days, not cooped up in a classroom.

Finally it was dinner time and I waited for Peeta in the dining hall, having gotten there first. I was sitting with Finnick and Annie when he finally arrived a bit covered in flour and smelling like fresh baked bread. He held a small bag and inside it were the cheese buns, one for each of us. I walked with him to get his tray, slipping my arm around his.

"How was your day? I hated having lunch without you" he asks sweetly as we wait in line.

"I know it, my first meal without you in a long time it seems. I decided to meet up with Gale's family; I haven't seen them since before the final mission we were sent on." I cringe as I say Gale's name, I wonder if it will ever become less painful.

"How are they doing anyhow? I've seen them around and talked to Mrs. Hawthorn a few times but I was never really close to them back home."

"Doing well mostly, as well as anyone can be doing after having their home bombed and fleeing to a strange underground place. Sorry, that wasn't fair to say… they seem to be fine. The kids are doing well in school and Mrs. Hawthorne is working in the textile area making, mending and cleaning clothing for the district. She seems to be enjoying her coworkers. They all miss him of course." I don't need to say who 'him' is, Peeta knows who I mean. "She tried to get me to talk about him and she tried to tell me about his work, but I just can't do it…I can't think of him too much, it makes me so sad, every time he comes up I think of Prim, and her face right before the second explosions." With that I pull my arms around me shivering, trying to shake the image from my mind.

"I can understand that, maybe one day you can talk with her about Gale, maybe never. Who knows, it's really a tough situation all around." I nod my head but don't say anything further as we are back at the table.

Dinner goes smoothly, Annie talks excitedly about their nursery and the new furniture going in there and how Finnick is having a tough time assembling it all. I laugh imagining Finnick struggling to do anything. Peeta, as always, decides to help… "Do you want me to come over and be a second set of hands? Hold something while you hammer maybe?" Finnick enthusiastically accepts and it is settled, after Peeta and I are out of whatever the meeting we have in room 781 we will come over to Finnick and Annie's compartment and help with the nursery. With that decided we all rise and go our separate ways, me and Peeta walk hand in hand to the elevator.

I've never been on the seventh level before, I don't even know what is down there, we leave ourselves plenty of time to walk the unfamiliar hallways. We finally arrive in front of a door marked 781, it looks like a regular door to someone's living compartment, but I don't think anyone lives down here, the halls are empty and there are no name tags on the door. We pause outside the room, turning to each other and silently wondering whether we should knock or not.

We're not given too much time to decide as the door is flung open and we are greeted by a man neither of us recognize who ushers us inside. In the room is a conference table with chairs around it, lining the walls are electronic equipment and at the head of the table is large TV. Looking at the other people in the room I am surprised to see Beetee ,Johanna, Haymitch, and Finnick there, I didn't realize that Beetee and Johanna were still in the district. There were also 3 other people, I didn't recognize them, but they introduced themselves and it seems they are members of the military organization of the new Panem government.

Mella, a tall brunette woman speaks first, "Hello everyone, I am sure you're wondering where you are and what you're doing here." She pauses for a moment as we all nod and then continues, "Well, you all were involved in the rebellion in a major way under former President Coin. All of you followed various orders passed down from her on good faith. Now we have information that these orders were not made in the best interest of the rebellion and Panem but for Coin's self interest. Unknown to Coin at the time many of the meetings she conducted in her war room were video recorded. The room was set up for recording, but usually this function was turned off, she and most of us had thought that turning the feature off would result in no recordings, but Beetee here figured out a way to make the equipment seem to be off when it really was functioning. Over the past few months we have been reviewing these recordings and finding out a lot of new information. Some of this information is quite shocking and before it comes to light what really happened behind the scenes of the rebellion we wanted to give you" she looks around the room "a chance to see some of this footage first, before these details are revealed."

I sit there with my mouth open, Beetee, such a quiet guy, but so bright and with so much forethought. I had to ask him, "Why did you do this Beetee? I mean it's great to have now of course, but how did you know we'd need the footage?" Beetee smiles at me, "Well, after meeting Coin a few times and having discussions with a few members of her team I began to suspect something was amiss with her. She seemed very concerned with what would happen when we won, she wanted to be sure she would stay in power, she seemed to be very intimidated by you Katniss and the hold you might have over people. I just didn't trust her. I figured better to record and have the information than not to and have her words be lost forever." I grinned at him, "You're a genius Beetee! I am so glad to have you on my side" I tell him and he returns my grin with his own and with a blush, he is such a modest guy.

Mella starts talking again and Peeta takes my hand in his giving it a reassuring squeeze. "The first video I plan to show is a meeting that occurred between Coin, Gale Hawthorne and a few members of the war council. Katniss, this has to do with the bombing of the Capitol children….and the death of your sister. If you're not ready for this you may step out of the room, some of the footage is disturbing and most of it is fairly shocking." At this Peeta scoots his chair closer to me and wraps an arm around my should, whispering into my ear, "You don't have to do this Katniss, I will go with you if you want to leave."

I shake my head vigorously, its time I learned the truth, what Gale knew and did not know, whether my sister's death was a tragic miscalculation or a planned plot to break me. "I want to see this, I have to know what happened, for Prim I have to know the truth." I put my head against Peeta's shoulder, my breath becoming faster but I am determined to sit through this entire thing.

The big TV screen flashes on and a still image appears. Gale and Coin sit around the familiar conference table facing each other, on either side of Coin sit a few of her people and on the table in front of them are the plans for the presidential mansion. Mella looks at me, giving me a final chance to protest or leave but I just nod, "Its OK, go on, its time I saw this." She hits play and we all watch the meeting unfold.

**Thanks to anyone still reading - I love reviews good, bad or whatever…would love it if you would give me some feedback.**

**I am having such a good time writing this, I write a chapter a day while on my lunch break at work, it really clears my mind from my work. **


	15. Chapter 15

**Ilovehungergames – when I read your comment about raging I laughed for a good 5 minutes, thank you, I needed that yesterday! **

The first thing I notice is the date stamp on the video, it was a few weeks before we were sent out for the final mission. Coin is talking to begin with and all others in the room are turned to face her.

"Hawthorne, is the weapon ready for deployment?"

Gale looks down at a notebook open in front of him and then back to Coin, "Its ready, yes."

"And has it been made to my specifications? I want an initial explosion that will stun the people it hits, fill them with noxious gas or whatever and then a delayed second explosion that will kill them and anyone who comes to their aid."

Gale is nodding and writing in his notebook now. "About the second explosion – couldn't we do something less deadly? What if it is our own medics who run in to assist the wounded?"

Coin's expression is cold and her eyes are unblinking and she shrugs slightly, "Well, there's not much to be done about it if that happensit's for the greater good."

Gale takes a deep breath and releases it slowly in an attempt to calm himself before continuing, I know his expression well, it screams of frustration, he is trying to contain his anger, "Couldn't we plan to tell our medics about what will transpire, the least we could do is to keep any more of our innocent people out of harm's way."

"No!" Coin yells and stands up from her chair, she is agitated and motions with her hands, "I don't plan for anyone outside this room to know that this bomb is the work of the rebels, we will pass this bomb off as one made by the Capitol. This idea of yours, while fantastic for our mission is questionable ethically. It would be best if no one knew that we made these bombs or dropped them."

"Unethical? What do you mean?" Gale is slack jawed and looks defeated.

"Hawthorne, this weapon was your brainchild, your idea, and honestly, I wish I had come up with it myself. It kills twice the number of people, half of whom are certain to be innocents, just attempting to aid the injured. People won't like that idea, killing medical personnel on purpose is not going to be a popular plan. To me the dead are the dead, but others care so much for innocence or guilt. You and me, we are so similar, you seem to have no worries about killing innocent people either. That is why you've been such a large help here, from your adherence to orders to your deadly idea here. Well done." With that she sits back down and gives him a small clap, obviously meant sarcastically, but the soldiers surrounding her clap as well.

Gale looks horrified, a look of realization crossing his face, "You think innocent people will be killed with these bombs? Why? Drop them on the soldiers, on the Mansion, or something…that way the least number of innocent people will be killed. I never thought you'd…."

Coin interrupts him, "You never though huh? What else could you have been thinking when designing the weapon? The second blast could do nothing but kill the innocent, you'll have to live with their blood on your hands than. Something tells me this won't bother you too much, you don't seem the type to care too much past your own family and I can guarantee that they will all remain safe here in the district when we drop it."

Gale has his face in his hands, struggling to control his temper. "This is not how I meant for this to be used. If I could take back this idea I would. We're not the same, I still have a soul."

Coin laughs at his words and stands again, walking towards the door and holding it open. "OK then, good meeting, we are adjourned, Hawthorne, you are dismissed. Perhaps it would be best for you to go straight to your quarters and think about what you really wanted to happen when you drew the first prototype of these bombs."

Gale rushes out of the room and Coin closes the door behind him. She turns to the decorated man at her right, "Hasen, we will wait until our Mocking Jay is near enough to the Mansion, then we drop the bombs from hovercraft with the capitol seal, maybe if our assassin doesn't take care of her, these will." She breaks into a smile and the remaining people in the room have a laugh with her before leaving the room.

Mella clears her throat, "There is one more bit about the bombings, when Coin gives the final orders. Would you like to see that now?" at this point I want to know everything so I nod but remain quiet. She presses a few buttons and the same conference room is brought up on the screen. This time the room is only Coin and her most trusted staffers, the date stamp indicates the day as the morning of the bombing.

The first person speaking is who looks to be a high ranking military officer, the man Coin called Hasen in the previous tape. "President, the hovercraft is on root. We repainted it with the insignia of the Capitol as instructed and as soon as it reaches the destination it will be ready to go. There's one problem however, Snow has places a barrier of Capitol children in front of his palace, hundreds of them, this was where we had planned to do the drop…"

Coin in pacing in front of the screen in the room, it displays the mansion with the scared children being penned in with Peacekeepers in front of the entrance. "Oh well….drop the bombs there, this will make the Capitol look like monsters. Anyone left who thought the rebels were the bad guys will look at the Capitol killing their own children and hate them for it. No one will know that it was our bombs that did this." A sinister smile comes over her face, "Did the medics I requested from this district make it to the scene? I want to verify that she will be rushing in to aid the injured children."

Hasen gives her a look that tells me he is following orders out of fear at this point. "Yes, they are assembled. Is it really a good idea to send someone so young into this? Should we be sending anyone at all considering we know what will happen? And dropping the bomb on children? Doesn't this seem wrong to you? Why did you want to have her there so badly?"

At this Coin steps in front of him in a menacing manner, "Do not question my judgment and my decisions. We will bomb the children and then send in the medics, yes they will all die, but everyone will think it was the Capitol's doing and they will hate them for it. As for the girl – she is the Mockingjay's sister, I want to make sure Ms. Everdeen is truly crushes after this is over, I want no chance of her trying to usurp my power. Katniss loves her sister more than anything in the world, this will break her, and I want her broken into so many pieces. Well, if things went the way they should have this wouldn't be necessary and that pest would be long dead, but she isn't and this is the only way left I have to kill her, albeit not physically."

After she finishes her diatribe Hansen opens his mouth to say something but coin has her hand on her handgun and she is giving him a look that spells out what she plans to do if he continues to question and push her. He falls silent and sits with his eyes down, avoiding the view of the Mansion with the soon to be dead children in front of it. His face mirrors that of the others in the room who have said nothing and are avoiding eye contact with Coin, she appears to have gone insane with power and continues pacing the room.

Mella clicks a remote and the screen going black again. She turns to me and I can see her lips moving, but I can't hear anything, in fact the entire world seems to be going in slow motion. I just realize it is my fault directly my beautiful sister is dead. If I had just cooperated and gotten killed like Coin's plan called for Prim would still be here. I was the one who should be dead, not her. I feel sick, Coin figured that her death would break me for good, but here I was going on with my life after a time, that makes me a horrible person. I close my eyes for a moment but quickly realize it's a mistake, images of Prim burning fill my mind. I push my eyes back open and take in air in harried gasps.

I become aware of Peeta, who has swiveled my chair around so that I am facing him and not the table, the room is quiet except for him. "Katniss….Katniss….are you in there? If you don't speak up I will have to take you to the hospital OK? Please say something? Anything?" The thought of going back to the hospital scares me more than what I've just learned and I choke out, "I'm here Peeta, I'm sorry… I'm here"

A collective sigh of relief can be heard around the room. Talk around the table picks up but I cannot join in. My sister….her dead….all my fault, this thought replays in my mind over and over again. I try to listen to the discussion around the table but can only comprehend bits and pieces.

"A horrid women, mad with power, threatened by Katniss, but why?"

"To think, she killed her sister on purpose."

"He designed them….who could think of such a horrid device?"

"It's too bad no one was brave enough to stand up to her…"

"With 13's stance on the value of children… how could she?"

It went on for awhile, but I was lost in my thoughts until Mella stood to talk. "Well, I am sure this has given you a lot to think about. At this time I want to end this session. We will meet here most days and together, perhaps we can begin to make sense of the things that happened. If there are no questions you are all dismissed." There were no questions and soon chairs were pushed back and people began to leave the room.

On the way out Johanna passes by me and paused, placing her hand lightly on my shoulder, "Don't blame yourself, don't blame Gale, blame that horrible women, she was evil, you were right to take her out." She smiled weakly, not used to comforting others, after she stops talking she touches Peeta's shoulder, nods at him and tells him, "Good night, take care of her" and walks off.

Beetee stops by next, "You know I was helping Gale with the design, the whole thing was so interesting on an engineering plane, but the application, how I wish I had thought about it. How could it possibly been used in a way that wasn't horrible?" he shudders with the thoughts, obviously fighting his own guilt. "Katniss, if I had ever thought it would be used to hurt innocent people, especially children I would never have helped. Gale wouldn't have either I know that." I nod at him and give him as much of a smile as I can muster patting his hand with him, I didn't blame him at all.

Finally Peeta offers his hand to me and I know it's time to get up and go back to our home and I stand and follow him silently through the halls, down the elevator, and finally into our room. As soon as the door shuts behind Peeta I collapse on the couch burying my face in my arms. I want to cry but the tears won't come. I don't even feel Peeta sit by me until me wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me gently into his lap cradling my body with his. I begin to gasp for air as if I was sobbing but no moisture is coming out of my eyes and he holds me like that in silence for a long time until I calm down and my breathing returns to a normal rhythm.

"What are you thinking Katniss?" he asks me, finally breaking the silence.

"It was me…this whole time I have been blaming him…but all along it was me. She is dead because I am alive." Peeta begins to open his mouth in protest but I can't listen to it now, I throw my hands over my ears and pull my knees to my chest and blurt out everything I am thinking without pausing for a breath. "She should have just killed me while I was here….why didn't she just kill me here? Surely she could have made it look like an accident, heck she could have made it look like a suicide and no one would have doubted anything. If I had known it was going to be me or her who died I would never have wanted this, I wouldn't want to live if it meant she was going to die… and here I am moving on, when I should be destroyed because of her death, I am an awful human being, I don't deserve you or this or….or anything…" I babble on like this for some time and finally tears well up in my eyes and overflow.

"I'm sorry Prim, I'm so sorry, I didn't know…" I repeat these words over and over again as I cry and Peeta strokes my hair and holds me firmly. After I have calmed down a little and am no longer talking and barely crying Peeta buries his head in my hair and whispers, "I love you Katniss, I love you so much." He is so quiet that I barely hear him, but somehow this makes me feel slightly better and I open my eyes and look up at him. "Even after all this?" I ask him in all seriousness. He answers as I wished he would, "Always…no matter what I will always love you".

With that I close my eyes again and feel his lips brush gently against my forehead, I allow myself to feel a bit of happiness at this and I tilt my head and feel his lips against mine for a moment. With the adrenaline rush wearing off I suddenly feel exhausted and while I try to fight it, soon I am drifting off to sleep. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Peeta's POV**

Katniss is asleep lying over my lap, my arm wrapped around her waist and I sit here just watching her and thinking. The events of the past few hours have been….interesting…to say the least. Katniss hasn't taken them very well, but she hasn't totally fallen apart and I don't need to worry about getting her back into the hospital, which is a relief to me, as I would miss her greatly if she had to be away from me again. It breaks my heart that Katniss feels her sister died because she didn't die as planned…but in a way I don't see how she can help drawing that conclusion, Coin practically spelled it out.

Gale should have fought her harder in the beginning, how he could he not see that the bomb could only possibly be used in horrible way, even if the medics were from the Capital, they were innocents, only trying to tend to the injured. The thought makes me ill and honestly I hope it makes Katniss ill too. I don't think she would be here with me had he had not done something so awful she could not forgive him for. He was who she really wanted to be with; I was an afterthought, when that proved impossible. I didn't mind being the second choice, so long as the first choice didn't come back into our lives of course.

I decide it's time for bed, it's going to be another long day tomorrow. I shift my body as gently as I can to get Katniss off of my lap, luckily she is dead to the world and I don't make her even stir as I stand, scoop her in my arms and carry her gently to her bedroom. For a moment I consider removing her outer clothing, but decide against it, not knowing whether she would want me to do something so intimate. I do remove her shoes and lay a blanket over her. I sit on the side of the bed for a long time, admiring her face; she is so beautiful, especially when she is asleep and not wearing her usual scowl.

Looking down at her I feel sadness, so many has happened to her and it isn't fair, I want to take some of the pain off of her, but I know this isn't possible. The last 2 years have been a complete disaster with the Games, the rebellion, and her sister's death; she has lost so much, most of all her innocence and her childhood, any assumption that people were good rather than bad, the ability to trust. Worse of all, she thinks she is the cause of her sister's death. Of course I blame Coin, who was wrong to send Katniss to her death to begin with and downright evil to send Prim into a situation where she knew she would be killed just to get to Katniss. No one could ever blame Katniss for not dying, but what I didn't know is whether she could ever stop blaming herself.

I take one final look at her, sleeping so peacefully, and I bend down to kiss her forehead and head to my own bedroom. One day, I want to be able to comfort her during the night the way I used to, but I don't want to rush anything she isn't ready for…so for now I just check on her in the night and try to sleep lightly.

**Katniss' POV**

Peeta must have moved me in the night because when I wake up, it's the morning and I am in my own bed, covered with a blanket, and with my shoes off. I am thankful that he didn't undress me, the thought of him removing my clothing makes me blush furiously. But I know he would never do such a thing to me when I was asleep, he isn't that type of guy.

I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, replaying the events of the night before in my mind. I hate Coin so much that it hurt. I had thought it was only a coincidence that Prim has been in the wrong place at the same time, but no, it was planned and the reason it happened is because I didn't die when I should have. I play the thought over and over in my mind until I hear a light knocking at the door…Peeta. I manage to sit up and indicate that he can enter. He's fully dressed with the day's schedule also on his arm and he sits at the edge of my bed looking at me with a sorrowful expression.

"Katniss, we have to get going, it's almost breakfast time… is everything OK?" he looks concerned because I am not moving much so I give him a shrug and throw my legs off the side of the bed, forcing myself up and I walk to the main room calling, "Going to the shower" after myself so he can stop worrying about me so much.

In the shower I left the warm water wash over me and sooth my muscles and I am able to relax as I slide down the wall of the shower and sit on the floor letting the water rain down on me. I didn't have any options left, I could go on and live my life, or I could shut down, either way Prim was never was going to come back, there isn't any way I could trade my life for hers as I had done back when I volunteered for her. I sigh heavily but heave myself off of the floor and shut the water off. I towel off and put on my fresh clothes and trudge out to the living room where Peeta sits nervously and seems relieved to see me.

"Katniss, you just need your schedule" he indicates to the contraption attached to the wall "and then we're good to go for breakfast." He gives me a smile and reassuring squeeze of the hand, he has always been too nice to me, but if he continues to treat me with such kid gloves I will get annoyed. Today's schedule is much like yesterday's, the exception is in place of the meeting in command is "Interview Room 433", I check Peeta's arm and see that he will be in a different room and am about to protest, but I remember being told we'll be interviewed separately as well as together, even I admit this makes sense.

There's not too much time to think about the interview, we are headed down to breakfast. After we get our tray we join the table of victors who were present at the meeting last night. Peeta tried to steer to me to where my mother and Mrs. Hawthorne were sitting but I insisted on facing whatever they were talking about now. The table fell silent when I plopped my tray down next to Annie, they looked so surprised to see me, I felt bad for perhaps interrupting them, but decided this was where I belonged, I couldn't remain the emotional fragile girl who needed to be protected forever.

"Morning everyone" I say to break the silence, "Please don't stop talking because of me. I'm fine, well maybe not fine, but not too bad off." Finnick snickers and thankfully conversation picks back up at the table, the awkward moment passes quickly. Peeta gives me a squeeze of the hand and a genuine, rather than sympathetic, smile. The conversation around the table is centered around what we all found out the previous night, Coin's plans to bomb children and our very own medics. Beeta lamented not having done anything to stop the plan, wished he had never helped executed the design of the weapon and so on. No one brought up my sister, other than to mention how awful Coin was to send such a young person into the death trap and so on. There was no mention of it being my fault she'd die, or really me in general, other than to provide sympathy for my loss, both of my sister and of my best friend.

I couldn't take it anymore and said what everyone must have been thinking, "If I had died during that final mission Prim would still be with us." I interrupted the protests from the group and ignored Peeta's arm around my waist, "No really…that's exactly the case... Coin wanted me dead, when I didn't die according to plan she did what she could to kill me inside, to kill my heart and soul…" I trail off, realizing that I am raising my voice and attracting attention to the table from others. Everyone around the table is looking at me, obviously worried and not knowing what to say that won't set me off again. Finally Annie stands and grabs one of my hands, "Let's go for a walk and talk Katniss" I nod and follow her into the hallway and out to the small indoor park adjacent to the cafeteria; we find a bench and sit down.

Annie starts, "Katniss…I can't pretend to know what you're going through, I don't, no one can… but I think I've been through some similar things. I have felt the guilt of being alive while the people I loved died. Did you remember seeing the games the year I won?" I shake my head as I think back and can't place them, but she continues, "Well that year along with myself a boy from my class was reaped. We were in an alliance together until there were only 6 of us left. At that point we decided we would split up, neither of us wanted to end up in a situation where we were the final two. He was an amazing person… he gave me most of the food and the better weapons, a lot of water and so on. I got the better part of the split, but he insisted and dismissed all of my protests."

She paused at this point, her hand on her growing belly and tears beginning to stream down her face. She took a deep breath and continued, "Well we turned away from each other finally and started walking away from each other. I turned around for some reason and saw one of the careers sneaking through the tall grass towards. I was going to call out to warn him, but didn't do it. I let the career kill him because I was a coward. I climbed up into a tree where I couldn't be seen and watched the career hack at him with a hatchet, after that there was an all out brawl, all but one ended up dead, and from my vantage point I managed to lodge a poison dart in the last person's throat. They died slowly and finally the horn blew and I had won." She shakes her dead trying to get the memory out of her mind, closes her eyes and after a few deep breaths she starts to talk again, "Katniss, I could have saved him but I didn't say a thing as he walked right into his death. I sat in a tree and watched 7 people die."

"The guilt took over for many years and I could barely function. How could I do that to him? He trusted me…he gave me the best of everything and I turned my back on him and let him down. But…eventually I had to decide to live again. I wasn't doing him any good living as a shell of a person. He is dead no matter what I do, I can't go back in time and warn him, and in the end it was the Capital that killed him, not me and not even the career that killed his actual body. It was the Capital with their disgusting game, they put me in that situation, and they set the entire thing up. Had I not been reaped I would never have killed another human being, I was such a gentle child, but thanks to them and their blood thirst I was turned into a murderer, someone who turns her back on her friend. The whole thing disgusts I am glad he" she pats her belly "will never experience watching children fight to the death for amusement, he won't need to worry about being chosen year after year until he ages out."

"Katniss, I am telling you this because it isn't just you that has done things they aren't proud or wish they could take back. You helped give all of Panem their lives back and secured the safety of their children. Your sister…it was Coin's fault, 100%, none of it was your fault. Like the games, you cannot blame yourself for not dying so someone else can live, you have to blame the person or people who put you in the position to die or allow someone else to die, and in this case you didn't even know the choice. Coin was no different from Snow, they were cut from the same cloth. When you shot her, you did the right thing, you avenged Prim. Please don't let the guilt consume you like it consumed me for too long."

After she finished she took my hand and held it, we sat in silence for a long time before I decided I should speak, "Thank you Annie, thank you for sharing that with me. I know you're right, but you're so insightful, the guilt it eats at me most nights, all I can see is their faces, it's so hard not to blame myself, especially after what we say last night. But… if I had any choice I wouldn't have done many of the things I did…you're right… you're right." Now I was crying along with Annie, tears of sadness for all that was lost, for all that I had lost and for my sister. Annie's arms were around me, it was exactly what I needed and I hugged her back tightly until I felt something, a movement coming from her belly.

I pulled away and held her at arm's length, "Was that?" not needing to provide more detail she beams and nods at me, "Yes, Finnick Junior is going to be a soccer player from what I can, he's kicking me all day." I smile, thinking that is Annie can move on and embrace a new life and even seem happy than the least I could do is try. I smile again and say simple, "thank you" I don't need to elaborate, she knows what I mean. We both stand and return to the lunchroom, bringing a hush to the table when we approach.

Peeta shoots a brow up at me in question but I just shake my head indicating that we would talk later. Soon breakfast was over and me and Peeta made our way to our interview rooms, we would be directly next door to each other, but for today separated. I didn't know what was going to be waiting for me through the door, but after my talk with Annie I was feeling more alive and decided to give any and all information I had. I wanted Coin to be remembered for who she was, and evil woman who led the rebels to victory, but at the cost of too many human lives. 


	17. Chapter 17

The woman conducting my interview was a soft spoken blond, with a face that reminded me of Annie's and this put me at ease immensely. The interview was being recorded, and I vainly reached to my head to smooth my hair, thinking how my prep team would be so disappointed with my appearance. It started easily enough, the recounting of my early days in 13, right after I had been pulled from the arena but quickly into the meat of what they wanted to know…the days leading up to the mission that ended the rebellion.

_Was Mr. Mellark originally going with the squad to this mission?_

_No, he was still quite ill, plus there was so much training we were all put through as a team, he wasn't a part of it, and we were all surprised to see him there._

_Can you please expand on what you mean by "ill"?_

_Yes… he was hijacked by the Capital, programmed by them to want me dead at all costs. He is mostly better now, but at that point he still found it hard to control himself around me. He was coming around to being able to separate the real memories of me from the ones the Capital placed in his mind, but at the time we left for that mission he was still very confused._

_How was his behavior during the mission?_

_He had to be restrained, handcuffed the entire time, he was also not given a weapon for fear he would use it against me._

_Was Coin aware of his condition?_

_Yes…she was. Bogg's attempted to explain to her why him going was a poor idea, but she dismissed his concerns._

_Can you think of anything Mr. Mellark added to the team, any reason he may have been sent as an asset?_

_At the time he had been out of training for months, spending his time in the hospital, he was in no shape to fight. He is a capable man, with many strengths, but none that are particularly spectacular to need him for the mission._

_Why do you think, in your opinion, he was sent with your squad?_

_She wanted me dead and thought if she sent him he would do it for her._

_Who do you mean by "she"_

_Sorry, former president Coin._

_OK – moving on, was there another soldier that you had difficulty with on this misson?_

_Yes, she planted a soldier on the squad whose goal was my death._

_How do you know this?_

_This guy set off a pod near me on purpose by shooting at it. When that didn't work he used a moment of chaos to try to take another shot directly at me. Boggs saved me…it cost him his life._

The questions went on from there, lasting another hour or so, I told the woman everything, hearing it all together like that made me hate Coin even more, she wanted me dead for her own political gain – after all I had lived through, the possibility of me diminishing her power was enough for her to want me death. It was disgusting. I pushed the thoughts out of my mind as I went through the daily training regime, or what was called gym here and waited for Peeta outside of the lunch room.

When I finally saw him I wrapped my arms around his shoulder, taking him by surprise and asked, "Can we take our lunches to the little park?" he nods and we go to get our trays carrying them out to the small indoor park. I pick a grassy spot as far away from where others are sitting as possible and plop my tray down, Peeta following my lead.

"So how did it go?" he eyes me carefully as he begins eating his lunch. "It took awhile but I told her everything, hearing it all lumped together like that…well it makes me a lot less angry with myself for shooting her that day… I know that's awful, but I cannot bring myself to feel sad about it anymore."

Peeta nods, "Mine didn't take too long, I was pretty out of it during that time. I was shocked I was sent… I begged not to go, being so near you for so long was a bad idea. Especially if they had given me a weapon, Coin and Boggs argued about arming me for a long time but he refused to do it, and I am so glad. If I'd been armed and not constrained…I don't even what could have happened. I can't even think about it."

I wasn't too interested in my lunch as I inched closer to him, marveling at his beautiful eyes and tussled hair. "How could you resist the opportunity…I know things are good now…but at some points…you looked at me with such pure hatred…" I trailed off and looked down at the ground, thinking of his expression of hate made me feel sick to my stomach…was that person still inside of him? Some of the terrible things he has said to me really were true…I was selfish and I did think about how my actions affected others. Would he one day believe those things too?

He could sense the train of those I was on because he put his fork down and took my hands in his, looking into my eyes intently. "Katniss, I am so sorry that it ever happened at all… I never want you to have that mental image in your mind of me. I love you so much, I have for so long…please don't let the Capital take it away from me, I could never hate, and nothing you could do would make me feel anything but love for you. Please believe me" he was pleading with me, tears filling his eyes and threatening to fall over.

All I could see were his eyes now, focused so intently on me, full of love and full of pain… pain at the thought that I hate seen him with hate in his eyes for me. He was amazing, how could he look past all my faults and still love me. The silence was driving his insane I could see it, I needed to say something, anything really, but all I could think about was wanting to be close to him, so I moved forward quickly firmly pressing my lips against his catching him by surprised. He tumbled backwards slightly and I kept pressing against him, my body lying just to the side of his in the grass. He begin to kiss me back, his lips and breathe warm beneath my lips and I began to feel that thing I felt on the beach during the last games – the warm throughout my entire body, emanating from what seemed to be my stomach. He wrapped his arms around me and I pressed myself into him, eliminating the space between our bodies.

Finally I felt Peeta pull back a little and broke out embrace, he looked at me and asked, "What was that?" I blush because I am not sure even I know but stammer out, "I…I just wanted to be close to you. I want you to know that I know that person with the hateful eyes and the hands around my throat wasn't you." He cringes at the mention of the incident where he tried to choke me but he quickly regains his composure and smile. "I don't know how you can look past all the bad parts of me and still want to be here with me…but I am so glad Peeta… it broke my heart to see what they did to you. I cried thinking about the torture they put you through, the pain. But the thought that you would hate me forever…it was too much, it buried me in depression that only the thought of going to kill Snow could snap me out of. I…I…can't…" too scared to say what I am thinking, I realize now that it was always Peeta I needed, but was it selfish…I remember the conversation he and Gale had… I would chose whoever I couldn't live without. It made me sound horrible, self-absorbed and uncaring. I bury my face in my hands and mumble it, "I can't live without you.."

"What Katniss?" He is trying to move my hands so he can hear me, but a bell rings signaling to the people in the park that lunch has ended. I take this chance to get out of a conversation I am not ready for. I kick myself for even getting started on this path, for bringing him to the park instead of eating with our friends, for jumping on his like that. I give him a sly smile as we stand up and know I can't avoid the talk for too long, but the bell has bought me some time.

Peeta takes my hand and we leave the park in silence as we walk through the cafeteria and out to the hallways, at this point we split up. Peeta gives me a long hug and whispers "I love you" into my hair…his breath on my neck sends a shiver down my spine and I told him tightly until he lets go. "See you at dinner" he says and he is off.

**Peeta's POV**

What on earth was that back there? First wanting to eat in the park and then the kiss….what was she trying to say back there? I think it was something good but with Katniss I could never be sure. I cannot wait until we are back in our room tonight. I don't ever want her to think I could hate her, her confidence in me is just one more thing the Capital has taken away from me. I hate them…for what they did to her, to me, to everyone really…the whole country lived in fear for so long, watching children fight to the death for their amusement.

I shake the thought as I set my supplies out. Each day I am given a list of what I need to have prepared. I work the shift between lunch and dinner, much of the dough is already here rising for me. Today I am making dinner rolls, I inspect the supplies list and see that I can make the cheese rolls Katniss loves so much. I grab a big hunch of dough and start working it, getting lost in the work and my thoughts.

I have this memory of me and Katniss, we're on the beach in the arena during the Quell. There are not many happy memories from the arena but this is one of our few. Katniss and I shared many kisses during the time before we were rescued from the arena but most of those were fakes, for the cameras and our sponsors, they meant something to me, but to Katniss they were survival. But the time on the beach was different; there was a fire to her, and urgency, almost like she needed me. There was passion behind the kiss. I closed my eyes as I worked, remembering the feeling of her body pressed against, her skin beneath me and her hair against my face. It had made me forget about the horrible situation we were in for the moment and just relax and enjoy the moment. I hope my memory of the time on the beach was real, I would have to ask her about it. Perhaps it was me wanting to have a moment like that with her, but maybe it was a true memory, unaffected by the poison.

Today in the park I felt the same thing, the urgency and the fire. It was unprompted, I didn't initiate the kiss and this made it much sweeter for me. Sometimes I was certain that Katniss did feel some love towards me, but other times I couldn't be sure. I didn't want to press her; I would rather have her with me in whatever capacity she wanted than to scare her off. A life without her in it was unimaginable, at least now I saw her all the time and could keep her safe. If I had to go through life not knowing where she was or how she was doing I would go crazy. There was no way I could express this to her in a way that would not make me sound like a stalker, so it was best to just keep it to myself.

I pushed the thoughts of Katniss out of my mind as I split the dough into even parts in preparation to make dozens of dinner rolls with a bit of cheese in the middle of each. The work was so soothing, but I wished I was back in the bakery making cookies and cakes, greeting customers, and….it was hard to think about…but my family, I missed them terribly, even my mother who had been a cruel woman almost all of the time. I wished my father was here with me in particular, he was such a sweet and gentle man, he would know what advice to give me to tell Katniss all about my feelings for her. I shake my head as I finish a rack of rolls and move on to the next, I will never get my family back, but one day maybe I would have my own. Though, since Katniss is the only woman I could ever imagine being it might just be a two person family, she didn't want children and I could never pressure her.


	18. Chapter 18

**I've had some trouble posting new chapters here – please bare with me Also… I realize that this is getting looooong, like really long. Do I put it all in one large story with a zillion chapters or split it into a sequel? Just thinking out loud here, but if anyone has an opinion one way or another let me know!**

Classes past quickly, I was only a few months off from being finished with the basic schooling all residents received. From this point I had several options. I could chose some specialty and go for higher education or I could pick a trade and study under a skilled mentor. Another option was to go directly to work – generally this is what happened if your family owned a business or if you wanted to do something specific. Both Peeta and I were going right to work, but not in the same way as others did. I would soon be writing and Peeta was currently working in the bakery, this was usually a trade, but his prior experience exempted him from the mentorship program.

Sometimes I wished I were like the other children in my class. I really have no option as to what to do, sure Paylor would not force me to do this against my will…but I can't think of anything else I could do. Some days I dream of a normal life with Willow, above ground planting crops and making a difference, or like my sister before her life was cut short, learning medical skills in the Hospital. Even Peeta does something normal, working in the bakery alongside the other residents, also helping the general population. I feel special, but not in a good way, more like different, set apart from the others. Maybe I should pick a skill or trade and continue my studies. I could just melt into the background here and lead a normal life. I know of course this will never work, none of the living victors could ever really be normal again. Not after the games and certainly not after the rebellion,

When class is finally over I head to the cafeteria, I meet Peeta outside and we get our trays. I can tell me is hinting at heading to the park again, but I am feeling jittery, wondering what horrors awaits us in the media room after dinner. So instead we head to our usual table and sit with Finnick, Annie, and even my mother joins us. The conversation centers around Annie's baby, he is due to arrive in only a few days and Annie talks about her plans after he is born.

"We want to move back to 4, we want him to learn to swim in the same water as we did. My mother, who thankfully survived the rebellion, is already back at home and we will all live in a large home on the water. Our old homes were destroyed but they were able to save some of the materials and built our new home with them as much as they could." She smiled and looked to be off in a fantasy about their new home and teaching her son to swim. "It's nice here and all…but it's never going to be home…well you know I'm sure." We all nod because this isn't home for any of us.

I really envy Annie and Finnick, they know what is going to happen, where they will live and build a life. I have no idea. I could stay in 13 of course, but as Annie said this wasn't home. I want my own house, no matter how small, the teeny compartment me and Peeta share isn't home, this cafeteria is not like a table when you can eat in privacy. I would never want to live in the Capital, it's different than during Snow's reign, but the people are still far too….I am not sure what, but their tiny apartments and crowded streets are not for me. 12 holds a lot of memories for me, good and bad, plus it had been my home until about 2 years ago…but thinking of living there in my old home without Prim makes me ill. It's so confusing I don't know what I want or where I want to live.

There is however one thing I do know, I turn to Peeta and lean over to whisper in his ear, "I don't know where I will go…but I wish you would be with me, wherever it is." Peeta looks at me as if I have lost my mouth and I can feel my cheeks turning a crimson color, embarrassed that I had made myself so vulnerable to him. He took both my hands and turned his intense blue eyes to look right at me and whispered, "Always Katniss, always". At this I relax and listen quietly as the others in the table talk. I am anxious about what horrors we will learn about on tape tonight, I wonder if there could be anything worse.

Once again we are all seated around a table staring at a screen. A scene with Coin, Boggs, and a few others is up on the screen. Mella describes what we're about to watch, "Here we have a meeting to decide who will be on the star squadron led by Boggs, everything has been determined but Coin wants to have Peeta join the squad." She hits the play button and Coins voice fills the room.

"_We're sending him with you, those are your orders" she demands sternly, glaring around the room daring anyone to disagree with her._

"_It's too dangerous, his recovery isn't complete, he will be a liability to us. I can't have someone on the team who wants to murder another member, we're heading into a dangerous situation and this is something we do not need." Bogg tries a rational argument._

_Coin is now pacing and shaking her head, "I want him to go, if he kills her then it is unfortunate, but Panem needs to see them fighting together. Don't argue with me. Follow my orders or I will issue you a discharge to our jail."_

_Boggs mouth is wide open staring at her in disbelief, "Even if it means the death of one of our soldiers? The Mockingjay herself?"_

_Coin is rolling her eyes and angrily walks over to Boggs, "Will you follow your orders or not?"_

_Boggs is quiet for a moment considering his options, "OK... I don't understand and I have registered my disagreement, but OK."_

_Coin lets out a cackle, "I don't care if you agree with me, all that matters is that you obey my commands and carry out your orders. Do you understand?"_

"_Yes ma'am" he is curt and formal, his body language is defeated._

"_When you are on the mission I don't want him restrained in any way, you are to arm him as you would any other soldier. I don't want your energies going towards Mr. Mellark or keeping him away from Ms. Everdeen. What happens will happen. It will be fine."_

_Shock registers on his face as the meaning of her words becomes clear to him. "Is that all?" he says, suddenly on his feet._

_Coin, waves him off with a hand,"Dismissed" she barks at him, barely looking over to him. Once he has left the room she turns to the man at her right, "That fool wants to argue with me? How dare he?" she paces angrily around the room, "I hope he does take her out, its best she is out of the way."_

_The man to her right nods, "She has on eye on your position, its obvious. Getting her little boyfriend to do the dirty work was a brilliant idea."_

_She turns to the man at her left, he has been silent the entire time, furiously scribbling in a notebook, "Claud, do you have our backup plan in place?"_

_He nods but doesn't look too sure of himself, "Is it really wise? Surely Boggs will figure it out quickly, it could come back to you, what then?"_

_Coin twists her face in anger as she spins around to look at him head on, "Boggs is a sheep, he will do as I say, and he will not question it…if our weapon has been trained carefully he won't even notice. That's if the boy doesn't take the opportunity to end her himself. This doesn't leave this room, this will never come back to us."_

_The two men look nervously at each other and nod._

"_Anything else?" she demands?_

"_No ma'am" is heard from both men "Dismissed" she commands as they stand and leave the room._

_She is along in the room and sits back down at the head seat. For a few moments she sits quietly and writes some notes down. Slowly a sinister smile forms on her lips and she says, in a barely audible voice, "Bye-Bye little Mockingjay, you are finished."_

Mella stops the tape and I realize how silent the room has become. "That is some of the worse of the material we have…I thought it was important you see that Katniss, you were right not to trust her, she wanted to have you killed, to not come home after that final mission." I nod numbly, still taking in the full gravity of the situation that had unfolded on screen. It was one thing to suspect that she'd sent Peeta and an assassin with the team to kill me, but an entire other thing to watch Coin order these things.

Lost in my thoughts I did not even glance over at Peeta, when I finally did I noticed he was trembling, his lips blue and his eyes distant. "Peeta" I whisper, but he doesn't respond and I am getting worried about it. Mella clears her throat, "This was a long one folks – after tonight these viewings will be optional…most will deal with military orders given by Coin that are now in question. Any questions?"

I raise my hands, "Who were those men who were in on the plot? Where are they now?"

"They were top military advisors to Coin, they are currently in jail awaiting trial…a trial that will be coming in the next few months." I nod, satisfied with the answer and searching my brain wondering if I had ever seen either of them, I came up empty. "This was a lot to take in, you can direct any questions you think of to me, at any time. If there is nothing else, everyone is dismissed."

I bolt out of my seat, eager to leave the room. Peeta rises slowly, looking at me with glossy eyes, and I know something is wrong. "Come on" I take his hand and lead him out of the room, he gives me no resistance but his face relaxes a bit as we walk back to our quarters. I open the door and shut it behind up, pulling him to the couch and sitting him down, placing myself close to him,

"What's going on inside your head Peeta, it's like you're not with us anymore. Are you OK? Are you beginning to have one of your 'moments'?" he shakes his head rigorously and takes both of my hands in his. "She sent me to kill you…" his voice sounds frightened and his eyes are wide, it's clear the video had an extreme effect on him. I want to soothe him like he always does to me. I don't know if I know how, but I have to try for his man who always does his best for me…even half out of his mind he always wanted the best for me.

"Peeta… you never would have done it …you refused to let us take you out of the handcuffs or to arm you. This was her doing, only a sick and twisted person would think to send you in there to kill me, she was a sick twisted person, I never blamed you for being there, I could never blame you for what the Capital did to you." I ramble on about not blaming him and understanding why he acted the way he did, I went on and on about Coin and her evil, but none of it was what Peeta needed to here. He nodded and clutched onto my hands, his eyes dripping with guilt. My heart was breaking for him, he blamed himself. "Please don't blame yourself Peeta…please it will eat you alive…I know all about guilt and blame…"

How can I make him understand that he cannot blame himself for the evils of others if I can't understand the same lesson? The though stops the flow of words from my mouth and I put my arms around him as the tears begin to flow down my face. He relaxes in my arms and wraps his arms around me tightly and I can feel the wetness on his cheeks as well. I sit there holding him and I cry for so many things…for the guilt and blame we both carry that should be shouldered by others, for Boggs, who tried to keep me safe at the cost of his own life, for my sister, who was a pawn in Coin's game to kill me either mentally or physically…for everything. We sat there for over an hour before Peeta pulled away slightly and held me further back from him so we were looking at each other in the eye.

He took a deep breath "Katniss, if I had known why they were sending me… I… I can't believe how close I came to… I couldn't live with myself. Boggs…he disobeyed orders to keep you safe… if he hadn't." the words tumbled quickly of him mouth "Please don't hate me, I couldn't live with myself…" tears were falling down his face again and I don't know what to do. I want him to know that I could never hate him, I can't imagine life without him, how could I ever hate him?

I pull him close to me, our foreheads resting again each other, I have to give him what he needs, I am not good with words like he is, I can't even put what I am feeling into words really, but I have to try. "I don't know how to make you believe, but this wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault…not the hijacking, going with Boggs to the Capital, none of it…please believe me when I tell you that as much as I know you blame yourself I never have and never will" I plead with my eyes for him to believe me, tears forming again and threatening to spill over but I continue anyway. "Peeta, I feel like a hypocrite because you were only yesterday saying the same thing to me…I blame myself for things no one else blames me for…but I see the other side now, the guilt is going to prevent you from living life…me too…we can't do this… we need to live..."

He is looking more lively and I am emotionally exhausted by I now know what I need to say to him, "Peeta…we cannot live here, we need to go…we need to do something, this place is going to smother us." I pull him closer, our lips making contact as we kiss and heat between us grows. I push myself backwards, "Please come with me, please Peeta? I…I love you…I love you so much and I think I always have." The last part comes out in a rush and I try to hide my flaming red cheeks but Peeta has his hands up to my chin and pushes my face upwards so he can see me.

For a few minutes we just sit in silence, my words replay in my mind over and over again and I wonder what his silence could mean. I become nervous and am about to say something when he kisses me again, this time it is full of passion, its fast like he needs my lips on his in order to breath, he pulls away and smiles, "Anywhere Katniss, anywhere as long as I'm with you, our guilt, it is only building here, the more we see and hear…maybe we're better off somewhere else. I don't even care, you just told me you love me…that's all I care about."

I want to talk about our plans but Peeta tells me it's time to go to bed, we'll figure it out in the morning but we agree to stay away from the media room…there's nothing else we need to know…nothing else that matters. She was an awful women and we will be back for her trial…but for now we need to distance ourselves from the intensity here in 13, the schedules and the memories, they are going to eat us alive if we don't go. We both change into our night cloths and I slip into Peeta's room with a glint in my eyes, "Just to sleep I promise" and he pulls the blanket down for me to climb under.

I settle into the comfortable space next to him, its been so long but my body fits perfectly next his. I let out a long contented sigh, surprised at the peace and happiness I feel after such an emotional night. Peeta wraps his arms around me and rests his head on top of my. As I relax against him I can feel him melt behind me, murmuring sweet words to me. The last thing I hear before I can't fight sleep anymore is, "Now that I have you hear with me I won't be able to sleep without you, I hope we can stay this way every night for the rest of our lives. I love you…I love you." This time it is my turn to reassure him, "Always" I say before I close my eyes for the last time tonight.


	19. Chapter 19

**As an explanation for the longer than usual wait – I am having some trouble with this story. I know *where* I want it to go, in my mind I've written Chapters 23+ but *getting* there is proving a challenge. So I am sort of "meh" about this chapter…but I guess it goes to show that I'm a very inexperienced writer. Thanks to Dragonclaw for your review It inspired me to go ahead and push this chapter out, even if what I really want to be writing is a few chapters away.**

I wake before Peeta and I try to stay as still as possible to let him get some rest. It was the best night of sleep I have had since…I don't even remember…having Peeta with me is what makes the difference and I don't want to spend any more nights away from him in separate bedrooms. I wiggle my shoulders and hips until I am facing him; I lay there watching his face, relaxed in sleep, a small smile forming on his lips. His breathe comes slowly and steadily, his chest moving rhythmically with it. I enjoy watching him, in his sleep the lines that crease his forehead are gone and the tension he carries disappears. I can't stop myself and reach up towards his face stroking his hair, smoothing it behind his ear.

The moment doesn't last long; he begins to stir and open his eyes, fighting off the last traces of sleep. When his eyes open he is face to face with me and he smiles, "Katniss, how long have you been awake? Why haven't you woken me?" he asks, not wanting to miss anything. "Not long, I just wanted to watch you sleep a little while." I blush as I tell him this, hoping this isn't too strange for him. He pulls me close to him and he kisses me, first on the nose, the earlobe, and all along my cheekbone, finally he settles on my lips, the kiss lasts only for a moment but it electrifies my whole body and I let out a soft moan. Peeta pulls away slowly and we're up for the day.

"I love to wake up this way, to look right into your eyes, hold you to me and to kiss you…this was perfect, totally perfect." He tells me as he gathers new clothes for the day. He turns and looks at me, a serious look in his eye, "Were you serious yesterday? About wanting to get out of here…to go together?" I nod and smile, "The sooner the better" I say this on my way to my bedroom, where my clothes are. Peeta doesn't follow me and I pass the machine that is meant to tattoo the day's activities to me with barely a glance. I hope that we can be gone soon away from the strict schedules, but I still don't know where to go.

After we're showered and dressed Peeta insists I get my usual schedule tattooed on me, there are no surprises but we've lucked out and both have free time this morning after breakfast. I know how I want to use this time, to plan our escape from this place, to figure out where to go…to get above ground and breathe a little more easily. Then it comes to me…the history of Panem…why not start it now? I could go off to the districts, spending time in each until I find one that speaks to me. But how do I make this happen? Do I need to see Paylor? I decide to ask Peeta over breakfast, he always seems to know the right way to do things; I tend to just wildly do things on impulse and not in the proper way.

We settle into breakfast, but I am too anxious to eat, I want to talk about what our plan is going to be. Once I made the decision to leave I suddenly feel suffocated down here, I feel like I need to get out, and fast. Peeta looks too calm; I need to make sure he knows I am serious about this happening, and quickly.

"So… any ideas about where you want to go?" he asks me between bites of the gray mush we're being served this morning.

"Well – remember the project I told you about…visiting all the districts and getting a history for each? The real history not what the Capital fed us for all those years in school? I thought maybe it's time to get started. It would get us out of here, and let us see the entire country, then we could decide where we would go. I wonder how fast we could be out of here? It was Paylor who first approached me, but I don't even know how to get in to see her…" I look at Peeta, hopeful that he likes my idea and that he knows how to go about putting it into action.

He is nodding and smiling, this gives me great relief, "I think it's a great idea, it will give us something to concentrate on…I know who to request a meeting with to get you in there. But Katniss…this project….it's just for you right? What am I going to do while we're traveling around?"

This surprises me, I figured he would come with me and work on the project alongside me…why would he think any different. The surprise registers in my voice, "Well – you'll be working with me of course. I am going have to talk to a lot of people, you're so much better at that than me… do you not want to help… oh….maybe you'd rather be somewhere permanent so you bake…I didn't even think… I just wanted out so badly… I shouldn't assume." I fumble over my words, realizing that I am being selfish, as always, I don't know if Peeta is interested in my project but I just assumed he would be helping me…why didn't I think of him and what he wanted to do…his ideas? I want to smack myself, but I take a deep breath and wait for him to respond.

"Oh of course I want to help you, it seems like such a good idea, we'd learn so much about the culture of the various parts of the country…it's just that I don't know if Paylor would want me involved in the same way you do. I am coming with you no matter what…I just wanted to know what you intended my part in this to be. I have to admit I am relieved you want me there helping you, I just want to be sure that will work for everyone." His words make a lot of sense and I am relieved he does not call attention to my selfishness, I want to stop and think of him more, but it seems to not be in my nature.

"OK – so you'll get us in to see her?" he nods to confirm and only after this is settled do I dig into my breakfast. I can't wait to be eating food from the outside, what 13 calls food is an often indistinguishable blob of various colors. I hope, after their crops and animals are established that this will improve, these folks need sunlight, the sound of the wind, and the taste of a salad grown in actually sunlight. "I wonder where they will have us start…" I muse.

I don't want to go to 12 first; I am not ready to see the wreckage that once was out home. I hear the rebuilding is happening…but it just seems like too much. Going to 1 first seems like a good place to start, but I am a little intimidated by the career districts, would they still have any resentment about us? I guess there is no sense on guessing when I will find out sooner or later. I dig into my breakfast because I am hungry and need sustenance, but the taste…well I only eat as much as I have to.

"We will see Katniss…I would think we'll start on one end and make it to the other. We're going to need a lot of detail before we start in on this."

I nod and we finish our meal in silence. After our trays are cleared we walk hand in hand down the hallway, Peeta knows where to go and I let him lead me. After about 5 minutes of walking through the tunnels and up the elevators we are on the floor that houses the government offices. Peeta walks to an unmarked door and pulls the handle allowing me to step inside in front of him. We're in a waiting room and a receptionist sitting at a computer screen typing quickly.

She looks up at us and smiles, "Ahh Mr. Mellark, Ms. Everdeen….so glad to see you…I am assuming this means you're ready to begin your project." She knows before anything is even said, I shoot Peeta a look and he gives me his innocent puppy dog face, something tells me he knows much more than I had thought or that he had let on. The kind receptionist is pointing to a row of chairs to her right, "Let's sit over here and chat." I follow Peeta to the chairs and she sits down with us. I am quiet and look at her expectantly.

"Well…I am so happy to see you are up and about and feel ready to take this task on. My name is Harina To be honest this is going to take a long time. We will of course provide support to you, its not going to be possible for you to write this entire thing yourself and we will have people breaking this down into age appropriate history books. What we hope you will do is get out there and talk to people, young and old and see what the districts are really about. As long as the Capital has ruled the flow of information between the districts has been nothing, they've fed us mainly lies and kept our knowledge down. We want to get to the truth…the good, the bad, and the ugly. Of course we'll need all 13 districts included as well as the Capital. Once you're done there, there is more of course…the rebellion, the Games, and even the original rebellion 75 years ago….old texts we have stored that have not been seen in years will help with that. There is a lot…it's going to be a lot, and it might be hard at times."

She pauses to let me absorb the magnitude of the project…but this doesn't bother, I am doing nothing now and have no other plans of doing anything of value. I want to do something that matters, all the better if it gets me out of here and outside. I didn't realize we would be going to the Capital, that worries me some, but I need to be brave and go forward, face my memories…as long as I am with Peeta.

"What about Peeta?" I blurt out, realizing this makes little sense but she seems to understand me despite my lack of explanation or clarity.

"He, as long as he wants, will be coming with you and working alongside you. There will also be a team of people to whom you will send materials who will document everything and compose the written out version. You two will concentrate on getting the info, no need to stress the writing, there are historians here who will put that piece together from your work."

I nod and smile looking at Peeta, he takes my hand and speaks up, "When will we go?"

Harina says, "Well – there is the matter of Katniss' education…you can go as soon as she has completed her course work. If you want, I can provide a test to see if you might be ready now. Once you are we can arrange to have you in your first location in a matter of days."

I groan…schooling… it seems so silly to insist that I finish this last bit, yes I know there is no arguing with her. "I'll take the test…soon as I can… I need to be out of here" I say in a panic, I am not sure if I really can pass the requirements, but I have to get out of here as fast as I can…going to regular classes will take me at least another 3 months, that's too long to remain here, where the memories of the rebellion are stronger.

Harina raises a brow, "Is everything OK here? You sound rather distressed…are you being treated well?" she seems genuinely concerned, both her and Peeta are looking at me with concerned expressions. I have in as much air as my lungs will hold and release it slowly, trying to calm myself before I speak. "Oh yes, I am being treated fine, I'm just...everything here reminds me of what happened, I feel suffocated by the air down here, I want to get out of here, as soon as I can…waiting until my class finishes…it will take months." I feel deflated, I haven't explained myself well enough, Peeta strokes my arm to comfort me, but I can feel my heart beat quickening and the tension forming in my body.

"I need to discuss this with a few people…let's talk this afternoon, Katniss come here instead of your usual classes and we'll see what we can work out. We don't want you miserable…but we need an educated population, I am sure you understand." She stands after she says this, indicating in a passive way that our meeting is over and that we can go. Peeta thanks her for her time and I thank her for her willingness to try to work something out and we leave.

Out in the hallway I let out the tension I have been holding in the form of tears, unhappy to be crying again, but relieved I managed to hold it until we were alone. The situation was humorous, almost, thinking that I was being treated like a regular child…not allowed to drop out until I was finished with my schooling. But I wasn't a normal child – I missed so much of my education in the last 2 years because I was fighting for my life in 2 Games, touring the districts, fighting in a war, and then recovering from my injuries. But now the discussion boils down to my education, no one seemed to care much about it when I was sent to fight to the death…suddenly it's a big issue in my life.

I stood there crying and laughing for a few minutes, Peeta staring at me, perplexed but letting me get it out. Finally he puts his arm around me and turns me to face him. "Katniss…are you OK? What's so funny?" He doesn't see the same humor as I do and I try to share it with him, "Its just funny how important my education is suddenly…it wasn't so important when I was fighting in the war, but now…its like I am just a regular old kid, I hope they consider the reason for the delay in schooling for me when Harina talks to whoever she needs to talk to." He nods in understanding.

"OK Katniss…we should get going…we both have our training…er…gym classes now, and we wouldn't want to be late for that, my teacher makes people who are late run laps."

"Mine likes pushups better" I giggle, enjoying this moment of normal bantering between the two of us.

I grab Peeta's hand and pull him to the elevator that will take us up to the level we need to go to. As soon as the doors close I press my body against him, pinning his hands against the wall. I move towards him quickly and in a moment make contact with my lips on his, pressing hard against him and kissing him with more passion than I remember feeling in some time. Peeta gasps and bucks his hips against me as I part my lips and introduce my tongue to the kiss. The elevators dings with our arrival and I separate from him, taking his hand and smiling at him sweetly. We need to go our separate ways down opposite hallways from here.

"Katniss… that was….wow…I can't wait to have you alone in our room tonight…wow…I mean" He is flustered and red in the face, I enjoy the power I seem to have to rattle him like this.

"What do you want to do in our room alone tonight?" I raise my brow and shoot him a mischievous smile.

"Uh… you know, what some TV, I hear there are lots of new shows now that the Capital doesn't solely control the airwaves." He twiddles him thumbs and averts my gaze.

"Right…well off to class than, wouldn't want to earn those laps or pushups!" I give him a quick hug and run off towards my class.


	20. Chapter 20

**Sorry for the delay…still feeling kind of blah about this story…though I got more enthusiastic towards the end, I hope you enjoy ;)**

I am a bundle of nervous at lunch, constantly fidgeting with my hands. Peeta knows the reason, I am awaiting the ruling on whether I can leave the district now, or whether I must wait for the rest of my class. Everyone else at the table is puzzled and teases me about my restlessness. If they knew I'm not sure how they would react, but if I do get clearance to leave the district they will need to be told eventually. My mother in particular won't take it well; to lose one daughter completely and have the other one roaming the country… she is not good at handling big changes like these.

I push these premature thoughts out of my mind; there is no sense in planning something that might not happen for months. Instead I listen to Annie, she is close to delivering her baby and she is excited about being able to go home with her family. "I can't wait to see the ocean again…feel the breeze flowing off the water, smell the salty air…oh I miss it so much" she says, her face full of excitement. Finnick holds her hand in his and smiles adoringly down at her. "And sleep with the windows open and plant a garden… so many things we can't do here. I miss fish…the mystery meat here is getting very old." Finnick smirks as he says this, looking down at his meal.

I nod along…seems that many people are getting anxious to leave 13…we want to see the fresh air and get back to the things we'd known before. I wonder how the woods of 12 look now, are they covered in ash or does the forest flourish with greenery? I wish I were in the woods now, hunting a rabbit or fishing in the lake, even gathering berries and plants. One day… a day that seems to be a long way off I hope to be able to do those things, to have a life there, hopefully with Peeta. But first, I need to free myself from 13.

Lunch feels like it takes forever, I barely touch my tray and am given a disapproving look when I clear it by the kitchen staff, those 13 is no longer as stringent as they once were about food and waste, the old habits are ingrained. Once we're out of the lunchroom I pull Peeta towards the elevators to get to Harina's office, he chuckles at my haste but comes along quickly, also wanting to find out what has been going on. "Don't place all your hopes on this Katniss, I don't want you to be so distraught if things don't go your way." I assure him that I will be fine, but I know that I fall apart into a puddle of tears if I can't get out of here, and soon…so I hope what he warns about doesn't happen.

We reach the room and I burst through the door, it's clear Harina has been expecting up as she smiles warmly. "Hello you two! Come on over here and sit down!" Her voice sounds cheery and I take this as a good sign, Peeta must as well because he takes my hand and squeezes and gives me a big grin. Soon we're seating across from her and drinking tea she had just finished brewing, I didn't want to sound rude or too eager so I kept my mouth shut and concentrated on my tea cup, warm in my hands and sweet to drink.

Harina clears her throat and begins, "Well…from the looks of it you're anxious to know whether you'll be able to leave now or not, and I won't keep you waiting." I inhale a large gulp of air as she continues, "You will be leaving within the week, once some administrative things are handled on our end regarding your itinerary." I let the air out of my lungs with a loud exhale, "As for your education… it is extremely important to us… but given your prior life experiences we are confident that you'll do fine in life without the extra 3 months. You are all set Katniss!"

"Wow…thank you, thank you, thank you." I am on my feet, suddenly feeling like jumping for joy… but instead I sit back down and try to compose myself as she begins to discuss the logistics of the trip.

"Now there was much debate as to where to start…and we've decided you'll go to the Districts…1 through 12 in order, than you will come to the Capital and get their version, and finally you'll end in 13, where we have quite a bit written already and you'll be able to see the finished product. So… you're off to 1 first…as you know they were the most sympathetic to the Capital, there might be Snow supporters left in the area. We will send some security with you, just in case, no trouble is expected. Do you have any questions for now?"

Peeta speaks up first, and I am glad, the thoughts going through my mind are tangled and make little sense even to me. "Where will we be staying?" a reasonable questions and suddenly I am very curious as well. "You'll be staying in the Victor's Villages in each district…as long as this is OK with you…we can find alternate lodgings if this is a problem." Me and Peeta exchange looks but both shrug…there is nothing technically wrong with staying there, it might even be interesting to see the differences in the houses from what we knew in 12.

Peeta asks a few more questions about how we will get around and how the meetings will work but all I hear is that I am going to be leaving…out of 13 finally. I sip my tea and try to pay attention…but I know that Peeta is better as the details than I am and he will remember what I don't catch. I smile my first genuine smiles not caused by Peeta and begin to feel much more positive about life in general. Leaving this place…the last place where Prim was with me and alive is going to me a lot of good. I don't know for sure that I am not completely broken, but I will never find out if I can stay where I am.

The meeting wraps up and we shake hands, I thank Harina profusely, though she acts like it is not such a big deal. As soon as we are out of her doorway Peeta spins me around and throws his arms around my waste, he squeezes me tightly and neither of us say anything until he lets go of me, pulls me towards the elevators. When we get in and begin descending he finally speaks, "Katniss, I have to head to the kitchens, I have some responsibilities today and I need to let them know when my last day will be. I will see you at dinner… I am so excited to finally be doing this together." He is brimming but I am reluctant to let him go.

"Come on Peeta…lets go sit in the park, enjoy the afternoon together?" I try to convince him to play skip work but I know its futile he would never do that. He was nothing if not dependable, one of my favorite qualities about him, except when it doesn't suit me.

"Come on…we'll be together for dinner… and then afterwards…." He trails off but shoots me a look that makes me want it to be after dinner already.

"OK fine…" I say in mock anger as I throw my arms around his shoulders and he gentle kisses my lips.

"I love you Katniss" he whispers into my hair before letting go of me and disappearing inside the kitchen.

I am not used to having free time alone and don't know what to do with myself. I wander the halls and through some of the area for recreation before it comes to me. I have been forgetting that with the rebellion over we can now get outside much more easily than when then war was still going on. I enter the room that provides access to the outdoors and I sign out with the guards waiting there. Its funny how the procedure has changed…it took Coin's approval for me to be able to get outside before, but now anyone with free time can go, as long as they sign in and out so the citizens are accounted for. There was a big lump in my throat when I though back to the last time I had been outside…it had been with Gale, it was before his bomb killed my sister, before our relationship got even more complicated than it had been.

I shake my head to banish the thoughts of Gale and step out into the fresh air. Looking around there are so many differences between the last time I had seen the area and today. Before there were mostly piles of rubble, with no one else in sight and nothing but the vegetation and some animals. Today, the rubble was being cleared away and the area was bustling with activity. I walked through an area where they were planting fruit trees, rows of crops already beginning to come up, wells for water, and much more. The amount of work that had been done was impressive, and the people looked so happy to be out and about, walking around in the sunshine without fear.

I thought of Willow and looked for her among the rows of crops and saw her at the end of a row, kneeling on the ground and digging in the dirt. I yell "Hey!" as I approach her so as not to catch her off guard and she looks up from the hole she is digging and is on her feet and running towards me in a flash.

"Katniss!" she yells as she launches herself at me, encircling me in a bear hug.

"Willow…its been so awhile….look at you here…playing in the dirt, like you'd always wanted!"

She nods and grins, "Yes…classes are going well, now I am up here doing the grunt work for my practical credit. I don't mind one bit, the sun feels amazing on my skin, the wind on my face…its like nothing I've ever felt before. Seeing the things I had just read about in books for the first time is great….its better than great…its….there are no words." She gushes and I remember that most or all of her life was lived underground, without ever meeting the elements.

"I'm sure you're doing great, you seem like a natural playing in the dirt like that. What is it that you're doing now?"

"I am digging holes where we will be planting tomatoes later on. These two rows" she points to her left "will be all tomatoes. These over here will be peppers. We've already planted seeds for the salad greens, spinach, broccoli, and so much more. The food in the cafeteria will be better in no time!" her enthusiasm is hard not to catch and I am smiling just watching how animated she becomes when talking about the crops.

"That's awesome Willow, you look great, so happy and alive…I'm so glad you're able to live out your dream and grow these things the way they were meant to be grown, outside, not underground with unnatural lighting."

She nods "Yea…if the rebellion had not happened that is what I'd be doing, watching the plants grow, measuring out the chemicals and replacing the light bulbs. Its tedious work down there, not that this Is as well" she gestures to the rows of crops and holes for future crop. "but this is the way it should be…outside with the real sun and rain helping them grow. I've never tasted vegetables that are ground the correct way…only our engineered ones grown down there." She motions to the ground and I nod in understanding.

"Am I keeping you from your work?"

She shrugs, "Why don't you follow me and we can chat while I dig?"

"Sounds good!" and off we go, back to the row she had been working on and we chat for hours.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

I head inside half an hour before dinner; I am covered in dirt and slightly sunburned. My skin is so unused to the sun at this point that I am much paler than I used to be. I enter our room and rinse off in the shower, enjoying the warm water streaming down my back and through my hair. I close my eyes and let myself enjoy the sensation for a long moment. I finally drag myself out the shower and dry off, throwing on the same grey clothes we all wear in 13.

I wait for Peeta outside of the cafeteria as everyone else streams in. The crowd slows to a trickle and still he has not arrived and I am beginning to panic. Where could he be? Just working late in the kitchen I tell myself as I tap my foot impatiently. Finally after everyone else had settled in to dinner he appeared, carrying a basket, and wearing a mischievous smile.

"About time!" I am annoyed and it comes out clearly in my voice.

"Sorry there, was running late… I thought we might do something special tonight to celebrate." He raises the basket and wiggles it in front of me.

My annoyance melts away and I feel guilt instead, I am always assuming the worse. "OK…what did you have in mind?"

"Follow me!" he says as he leads me away from the cafeteria and towards the doors outside.

"Where are we going?" I am baffled but after a few minutes we sign outside, Peeta had acquired a special pass for the two of us to go out during the dinner hour. He leads me away from the entrance to the tunnels for and we walk in silence for about 5 minutes. Finally he stops and spins me around to face a stream, slowly weaving through the land, a grassy patch is a few feet from where we are standing.

I am wide eyed as I look at him, "It's so peaceful here… what do you have in that basket?" with that he sets the basket down and reaches inside and unfurled a blanket, he motions for me to sit and I do, hugging my legs tightly into my body as I watch him. From the basket he pulls out a full dinner, and lastly a few of the cheese rolls that I love so much. "Oh Peeta….how did you get all this done?"

"Katniss, but you this was easy to get done, the people love you." He smiles inches closer to me gesturing to the meal in front of us. "Dig in Katniss…or do you prefer me to feed it to you?"

My face flushes red and I joke, "Oh definitely feed it to me" I say with the giggle. He doesn't take it as a joke and instead rips off a small piece of a cheese bun and places it near my lips, I decide to play along and bit the bread from his fingers. This continues until the entire cheese bun is gone and then it is my turn. I pick up a slice of apple and feed it to him gently, when he takes it from me his lips linger on my fingertips and a shiver goes up my spine. I like the feeling and keep going, each bite letting my fingers stay against him lips a little longer.

We take turns feeding each other dinner, getting closer together and occasionally licking, biting and sucking on the others fingertips until the food is gone. I feel warm inside, though the night breeze is cool and I want to be closer to Peeta. He finishes putting the dishes in the basket and lays back to gaze at the stars and I tuck myself into the crook of his arm and gaze up at him. I use the tip of my fingers to trace his collarbone and he lets out a soft moan.

"What are thinking about Katniss?" he murmurs.

"You…" I say plainly as there are no other thoughts in my mind. "What about you?"

"I hope you don't get upset…but I am thinking about the day before the Qwell, when we were up on the roof of the training center. We thought it might be out last day on earth and we wanted to have a good memory in case we didn't have much more. But that wasn't the end for us…and now here we are enjoying a picnic outside, gazing at the night sky, free and I don't know that I ever thought we'd get here."

"That's one of my only good memories from that time, the day on the roof in the garden, before the Games that I didn't think I would live through… it's hard to think about Peeta… things could have been so different. We could have…you know…die" I say quietly, thinking back to that day when there was nothing to look forward, only the current moment.

"Katniss, we could have but we didn't…and look at all the crap we lived through afterwards…we were meant to live and I hope…to be together."

With that he turns slightly to face me and wraps his free arm around my waist. I am gazing into his eyes and I reach up slightly brushing my lips against his. His lips are soft and warm, I press into him a little harder and he tightens his grip around my waste. I bring hands to his head and tangle my fingers in his blond hair. For a few minutes this satisfies me and continue this way, but soon I need more of him and part my lips slightly, running the tip of my tongue along him lower lip.

A sound that is a cross between a moan and the rumbling of thunder emits from his throat as he parts his lips slightly allowing me to explore further. Soon he is running his tongue along my upper lip and it feels amazing. I slip my free hand under his shirt and feel his warm skin, burned like mine, but perfect to me under my palm and I sigh with happiness. Peeta fiddles with the bottom of my shirt, hesitating to creep underneath; instead he teased me by running his nails lightly across my pants waistline, causing me to buck my hips sharply into him.

With that he pulls back slightly, breathing heavier than usual, "Katniss…we should…slow down?" I shake my head 'no' and pull him to me again, flipping him to his back and positioning myself almost on top of him. We are kissing again and this time he slips his hands under my top and slides them up my back. The sensation is new to me, but feels so good I want him to keep going, I groan in appreciation as I continue to press myself against him. Again he pulls back, removing his hands from under my shirt and I am disappointed and pout.

"What's wrong Peeta? Don't you want me?" The tone in my voice is more annoyed than I feel, I want to be close to him and it upsets me that he doesn't want the same.

"Oh Katniss…I do…I want you more than anything but….this isn't right…"

"What?"

"Here like this…and well you know…"

I shake my head from side to side, sliding off of him and sitting up on my knees. "No…I don't. I thought you'd want to…maybe go further than just kissing…"

"I do…I really do… but we should be married before we…go there." His face is crimson and he's clearly put a lot more thought into it than I had.

"Married?" I say the word with trepidation…I didn't really ever think I would get married…that led to children, and they were the last thing I wanted. Did he assume we would be getting married? When? It was too confusing; luckily he spoke up so there was something to concentrate on other than my own muddled thoughts.

"Well… I hoped one day when you were ready we might get married. I mean… I love you more than anything in the world and one day maybe you will feel the same…is that silly?" He asks self-conscious now, given my stunned reaction.

"No Peeta…it's not silly…I just, I never thought that it would really be a possibility… when…" I trail off, not even knowing what to ask, I am no good with words and so often make things worse so I decide to let my actions do the talking and lean my head back for another kiss and Peeta eagerly obliges. He pulls back after a few minutes and looks at me expectantly.

"When will we…how…ugh…I can't seem to say what I mean!" I am frustrated with myself and he can see his, and he bails me out as usual.

"One day I will ask you if you want to be mine forever, my wife and companion for all of time. Only you can decide if you want that and I will accept any answer you give me." He smiles down at me and gives me a quick kiss on the nose.

"When?" I want to know when this day will happen.

"Someday Katniss… I don't want you to know it's coming, I want to surprise you…and I need to wait until I am sure we're ready for it."

"Ok… I guess…but until then…"

"Until then we'll have to see where things go….we should head in. "He looks at the watch he's wearing and I know he's right…we've been out here for a long time, and we don't want to get locked out here for the night.

O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O+O

Back in our room we get dressed for bed right away and climb into Peeta's bed. I snuggle into his arms and he drapes his arm over my waist. Within a minute I can hear his breathing slow and know that he is asleep, he must have been running around quite a bit to tire himself out so thoroughly. I wish I would fall right asleep as well but I can't, my mind is racing and I can't make sense of any of my thoughts.

There was a time where me and Peeta were going to get married, as a show for the Capital, and it didn't make me feel anything but emptiness, it made me feel like a doll put on parade for others to gawk at. Cinna's designs were beautiful of course, but the gown fashion show was one of the worst things about that time, people voting for the dress they wanted me to wear, reducing me to merchandise, an inanimate object for them to dress. The memory made me feel nauseated, it wasn't the thought of being married to Peeta that bothered me, it was the thought of having such a private and intimate thing, the joining of 2 people for life turned into a circus for the amusement of others.

In 12 weddings were very simple things…much of the time they didn't include anyone but the couple and a handful of witnesses. The couple would break off a piece of bread and toast it together, than feed each other the toasted bread. It was a beautiful customer, there were fluffy dresses, expensive cake, or TV camera needed. The people of the Capital would never stand for such a ceremony; they would find it boring, not lovely and meaningful. In this moment I hate the people of the Capital for living in luxury while so many people were starving and dying under the iron rule of the Peacekeepers everywhere else. I reprimand my mind for going down this road, continuing this line of thought would lead me down a dark road I don't want to go down after such a nice night.

Still, Peeta wants to marry me…after all this he has it in him to want to get marry and continue on with his life. I should be scared, but I'm not…I want to know when he is going to ask. I have to admit to myself that I hope he asks soon, I never thought I'd want to be married…but then again I never thought I'd make it out of the Games alive, I didn't think Peeta would ever come back to me from the Capital. I was lost for so long, the thought of having such a permanent tie to one person who wasn't going to leave me was looking good to me.

There was also Peeta's prudish behavior. I'd always learned about what couples did together, when they were alone but I'd never done any of those things, I don't think he's done any of them either. Why not do them together now? It seems silly to wait, after all we've seen we're not regular innocent kids, we've killed people, we've seen war, and I have assassinated a president. Maybe he wants to keep the last bit of innocence we have left, it's hard to argue with that, we grew up too fast thanks to the Games and then the rebellion.

I snuggle further into Peeta's arms making him shift slightly but not wake. I whisper, though I know he can't hear me in his sleep, "I love you Peeta…I want to marry you… I promise to stay with you and love you forever." I close my eyes, my thoughts finally slowly down and my body tired from such an emotional day and I drift off.


	21. Chapter 21

**Peeta's POV**

Katniss has been strangely calm after our talk and we've not had much of a chance to discuss anything further since then. This is likely for the best, she always thinks too deeply into things, working herself up and assuming the worse. She's spent so much of her life on high alert, always looking for the danger and the worse cake scenario; she has a major issue with just…being…existing in a state where she can be relaxed and at rest. Any other girl would naturally think of marriage as a logical step to come after we've settled down somewhere…but not her… I have to wonder whether she ever dreams of what she wants her future to look like.

The more I think about it, the more I can understand the cause of her indifferent attitude about marriage and the future. The realization makes me sad for her. No matter what else is going one, even during the worst of the torture I went through in the Capital, there was a miniscule part of me that would think about what I would hope for when it was over… it was always an 'if' for me. For Katniss, it's hard to tell whether she would lose all hope or whether she never had any hopes in the first place. Either way, I wish that she can one day dream and hope for her future. I want this to be with me of course, loosing Katniss would crush me. I think one day she will get there, if her visions include me, that will be when I know it is right, right to ask her to be my wife, to start our own life together, as a family, something I no longer have.

I don't often think about the family that I have lost, my brothers, my father, even my mother, who was a mean angry woman for most of my life. But lately I have been thinking of them a lot… having a family is something I mostly took for granted…they were just always there. Now I have literally nobody, no relatives at all. If I am ever able to marry Katniss, I'll have some roots again, a family. Her reaction surprised me; I had expected a visceral 'no', the thought causing her some distress. Instead she seemed almost confused, as marriage did not exist in her mind as a possibility. I think that if I could choose to have anyone to have my own family with it would be her.

I am expected in the kitchen and don't have time to dwell on these thoughts any longer. It's a good thing that I am so busy at work in the days before we leave, having too much time to sit around and think would lead me down a path I don't really want to go down. The possibility that once Katniss is strong and confident again, her fiercely independent streak will come back and… finishing the thought goes to a place where I don't want to go. Instead I root through my clothing and change into some work clothing, give my hair a quick brush and walk purposefully out of my room.

The bakery is quiet when I enter; I have been coming in a few hours before the others. I spend my time making ball after ball of dough to freeze, after I leave they will have a few weeks of dough to hold them over while they train someone else. Making dough can be a mindless process, but right now I get lost in my thoughts and zone out entirely while I am working, it's the best therapy I've had here in 13. After my third batch my coworkers stream in and it's time to prepare the dinner rolls for tonight's dinner. The bustle in the kitchen keeps me from thinking too deeply into the what-ifs.

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**Katniss POV**

With Peeta working such long hours I am getting a lot of time to spend on my own, much more free time then I am used to. Now that I've learned that I can spend time on the surface I am spending a few hours every day with Willow. But today being the last full day before I leave for District 1 I really need to go see my mother. I have a feeling she knows something about the trip, but we've never said anything to each other about it. I owe her a proper good-bye and explanation, after all her help in the hospital…well I hate owing anyone anything, even from my own mother it's difficult to feel that way. So, while I am not really keen on some sappy talk with my mother, I know that going to visit her and have a talk will make her so happy.

I chuckle to myself as I walk down the hall to my mother's room, Peeta is rubbing off on me. I knew that he would want me to say goodbye to her personally. He didn't even have to tell me, and I know what it is he thinks I should do…that's something I've only had with one person before. Gale. The thought stops me dead in my tracks, in the middle of a hallway full of living compartments. I haven't talked to him since he left, Hazelle hasn't brought him up to me again since the first time. I close my eyes and let a quick wave of sadness wash over me. The thought of him no longer makes me angry for what I've been blaming him for, instead I feel sadness for losing him and his friendship. I push the thought to the back of my mind, beginning to walk down the hall again.

Once I reach the door marked "Everdeen" I knock lightly and mom comes to the door quickly. "Katniss!" a smile spreads across her lips when she sees me and in the blink of an eye I am encircled in her arms and she is pulling me into the room. She lets go of me and leads me to her couch. "Come in come in…come have a seat I'll put on some tea" she turns on the electric teapot and fills the kettle with water. She sits by me on the couch as she waits for the tea to brew.

"So glad to see you dear…what brings you down here…. Is everything alright?" for a moment worry flashes across her eyes. I'd never come to visit with her alone in her room before. I saw her mostly at meal times and during appointments in the hospital, I feel bad that I'd not been to her room before this. Her walls are mostly bare, but on her night table is a picture of me and Prim, taken before my first Games, before an of this mess had started.

"Oh mom, I'm just fine. It's just…" suddenly I wish I had rehearsed this before I'd come down here, "Well… I'm not sure if you'd heard about the project I am going to be working on…." I pause and meet her gaze, she is smiling and nodding, and relieved that I don't have to explain the whole thing to her, "Well… I've decided to go ahead and set off. We…well me and Peeta will be leaving for District 1 tomorrow afternoon." I let out the rest of my breath and waited for her to respond.

"Well Katniss, I'm sure you know I'd much rather have you here, where I can keep an eye on you and make sure that you're healthy and safe." I nod, I had imagined her saying this very thing to me, that I was not yet well enough to go, or that she wanted me to stay in 13, "But…it's a great project, I think you're going to do a great service and have such a unique experience. With Peeta there with you, I worry less. If you think you're ready…well then go for it." She leans in for another hug and I squeeze her back, we stay that way for a few minutes before we let go.

I feel so much better having had this conversation but I am curious about one thing she said. "Mom, you'd said that having Peeta with me would make you feel better, why?"

She lets out a soft laugh, "Well dear, that's obvious. That boy would never let anything bad happen to you if he could help it. He's head over heels for you, he loves you deeply and has such a soft gentle spirit. I know I can trust him with you. "she smiles and pats my hand in a reassuring way.

"Oh…" I don't know what to say, it surprises me she is so willing to accept Peeta as someone who would keep me safe. I am also annoyed with myself, that I need someone to take care of me like that, I used to be able to keep myself safe. Well, this isn't quite true. In order for me to keep myself totally safe I needed my hunting partner. Gale. His name pops in my mind for the second time, and again I push the thoughts away.

"Do you feel that way Katniss? What are you and Peeta now?" she arches her brow at me and her face takes on a playful expression. She's teasing me, it was utterly normal, just a mother teasing her daughter. Her laugh was infection and I laughed at the question.

"Mom" I drawl in an exaggerated tone "We're... friends… at least… more than friends really." I find myself blushing furiously. "He's …" I don't know what to say, calling someone my boyfriend sounds…well not exactly something I'd thought I'd ever hear myself saying aloud.

"It's OK not to know… you're so young still. You had to grow up too fast." She looks at the ground, her eyes turn glassy a and full of sorrow for a moment. "Then you were thrown together with Peeta…the Games, the Tour, the Quell, the Rebellion… it's so much for someone so young. You don't have to rush anything, Peeta will be there with you." She smiles warming and my cheeks continue to flush.

It's the first time I hear my mom express sorrow at my childhood ending so quickly. The unspoken understanding was that I had to grow up so quickly because she fell into a deep depression when my father died. Prim and I would have starved if I didn't take on the responsibilities that should belong to a parent. My bitterness over this has faded since I've gone through the war… almost losing everything has made me able to stop blaming her for the past and let her take care of me now when I need it. For so long I took care of her and Prim…it's a change to let her be there for me now, but withholding the chance from her would just be punishing her for the past. Instead it was better to accept the comfort she offers me and I lead against her shoulder snuggling into her as I'd seen Prim do for years.

After a few moments an alarm sounds and she announces, "Dinner time!" I am surprised, time has gone by quickly and this time with my mom leaves me feeling calm and what may be happy. I hop up, hungry and eager to see Peeta again. "Thanks for…everything Mom. " I shoot her a quick smile and she leads me to the door and down the hall to the cafeteria.

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So far dinner has been a flurry of activity as what feel like half of the district stops by to say goodbye to us. Peeta and I sat at our table, letting our dinners get cold as there was a non-stop flow out people.

Johanna spotted us first and stalked over, "Ah… leaving this wonderful place so soon?" Her voice drips with sarcasm and she rolls her eyes, "How could walk away from all these wonderful meals of mystery mean and the stuff air under head? You're going to miss these tunnels I bet." She's joking, but there is some truth to her words. I will miss the people living in the tunnels at least. I'm surprised when she throws her arms around me for a hug before hightailing it away.

Finnick and Annie are next, Annie looks sad and makes me promise I will come back for the birth of her son in a few months and I promise that I will, I would like to be there for them. Once Annie walks away Finnick turns to us, "Make sure you get the truth, I want the future generations to know what really happened. I am afraid if we gloss over how the Districts were treated during the rule of the Capital than it will just repeat itself, just with a new regime this time." Peeta nods, and I understand him. History is bound to repeat itself if we don't make sure everyone knows what kind of suffering and living conditions were in our past.

Willow came by, head down and sad to see us go, "Katniss…I wish you weren't leaving, but I knew this day would come sooner or later. Promise me you'll visit soon? My lines of crops are planted, by the time you see me next I will be standing next to tall strong plants, ready to feed the citizens. Maybe we'll have some folks living above ground…and you two can stay?" she looked so hopeful I couldn't tell her no for sure, but I promised to come back and visit, I'd end up in 13 when we finished our tour. As for staying here to live that was a big maybe, I wasn't sure where I wanted to be.

Hazelle stopped by with Posy and Rory, we'd been carefully avoiding the subject of Gale, but she couldn't resist mentioning it again now. "Katniss, Peeta…I hope you have a safe and productive trip. Please take care of yourself and each other. Maybe…when you're in 2 you can….see Gale" she adds the last part quietly and Peeta is nodding in agreement. "I don't know…" I say and hang my head, not sure if I am ready to face that so soon. Posy and Rory will me big bear hugs and they all say a final goodbye and walk away.

A stream of others file by us, soldiers we had fought with, regular citizens of 13 who wanted a final look until almost the end of dinner when we were able to turn back to our meals. After we'd eaten we linger at the table and Peeta takes my hand and gives me a reassuring squeeze. He can tell that the mention of seeing Gale again had upset me and as always he tries to soothe me. "We don't have to see him Katniss…we can do whatever you want, I am not going to force you to do anything" I feel relief to know that he won't try to pressure me, but inside I know he thinks it is the right thing to do, going to see him. I stand and pull him up with me, ready for the quiet of our room.

"Let's go" I say "We need to pack up our things" and I lead him out of the dining hall and back down the hallway that will lead to our room.

Once we're packed we sit on the couch and flip on the TV, watching an entertainment program Plutarch has thought up. It was nothing like what the Capital TV was like. All that was ever on TV in the Districts was replays of the Games, presidential speeches and declarations and that type of thing. Other then the required viewing most people didn't ever turn the TVs on. Now that the Capital no longer controls the airwaves there is all type of shows beginning to come on. My favorite has been a funny cartoon type show that cracks me up every time I see it. But as Peeta flips through the channels I can see that it isn't on. Instead we leave it on low and talk.

"Do you remember the last time we were on a tour of the Districts?" he asks me quietly, hoping the question doesn't upset me.

I nod, "I do… I don't like to think about the tour. Forcing people whose children we killed to celebrate our arrival…cruel is what it was. Looking into the eyes of Rues family… that was the hardest." I pause to catch my breath and stop babbling "And the pretending…" I don't finish my thought by Peeta knows what I mean. "But now, there is no pretend." I blush and smile meekly.

Peeta grins, happy for some confirmation of my feelings for him. "This is going to be nothing like that Katniss. We're not going to be paraded around like show animals this time. And…though I was never really pretending, I am definitely not pretend now." With that he leaned over and kissed my forehead lightly, I could barely feel his lips and his warm breath felt amazing against my skin. I closed my eyes and sighed, enjoying the sensation.

"Off to bed then?" Peeta asks, his eyes looking sleepy after his long work day. "Tomorrow night we will fall asleep in District 1…I still can't believe it. Really getting to see the districts, not on some tour where we're giving speeches and attending diners. But getting to know the people, the landscape, and of course the history."

I hop off the couch; I am both excited and anxious for the next day but turn to the bedroom to get into my sleep clothes as Peeta goes into the other bedroom to change into his. We meet back at the bed and climb in. I find my usual spot, wrapped in his arms. He strokes my hair gently, the soothing sensation putting me to sleep. The last thing I hear before I fall asleep is him, whispering in my ear, his breath warm and voice sleep, "I love you Katniss… so much."


	22. Chapter 22

I open my eyes and Peeta is not with me, I sit up quickly darting my eyes around the room, but it is empty. I glance at the clock, 10 am… I have slept late. In a flash I am off the bed and running around then room looking for clean clothing that has not been packed up and I find a pair of jeans and soft orange shirt. I throw the clothes on rush out into the living room. Relief washed over me when I see Peeta sitting out there, holding a pile of papers and intently reading.

"Hey" I announce as I enter the room, wiping the last of the sleep from my eyes. "What have you been doing?"

Peeta breaks into a grin and scoots over on the couch so I can sit by him, "Just picking up our travel documents, we'll be in the hovercraft to get to 1 in an hour, I didn't want to be rushing around" he offers in an explanation and the realness of the situation grasps me. I had been excited about the idea of leaving 13 and being out in the world, but the reality is causing me some anxiety. I push the bad thoughts out of my head and sit next to Peeta, my head on his shoulder staring at the papers he has been looking over.

After he was done reading the paper work he turns to me, gently moving my head. "Katniss…you'd better get dressed, we need to go down to the launching dock very soon." I look down at my PJs and hop off of the couch, and in a moment I am grabbing a change of clothes and closing the door to the bathroom to change.

When I come back out to the living room he is standing there, holding our bags with a smile on his face. "Ready Katniss?" I nod and follow him out of the door, saying goodbye to our compartment for one last time. The walk down the hallways makes me feel tense, the people we pass wave and smile at us, but it feels like I am walking towards something awful. These thoughts are ridiculous I tell myself, but still I cannot shake the feeling that something is going to happen. I grip Peeta's hand tighter and try to think of something pleasant.

Once we're down by the hovercraft everything happens quickly. Our luggage is taken away and loaded somewhere and before I know if I am sitting on a love seat next to Peeta, with a few others I don't recognize in the room and the pilots are doing their final preparations for the take off. In another moment we're in the air, set to arrive in 1 in a few hours.

I settle in and ask Peeta, "How do you think the people one 1 will react to seeing us? They were the most loyal to the Capital after-all. ":

"No way for us to tell until we get there. Anything in particular you're worried about?" he looks concerned, but the he spends a lot of time being concerned about me and I decide its time he stop worrying so much.

"No…just wondering really. I don't know what to expect, I guess I am just a little nervous is all."

He nods hand takes both of my hands in his, angling his body to face mine. "I'm going to be right here Katniss, if anything is ever too much for you, just tell me. I want to…take care of you."

This doesn't sit right with me, "I don't want you to have to take care of me, I can take care of myself fine." I snap and turn myself slightly away from him and his face falls at my outburst. Suddenly I feel very annoyed with him. The thought of someone taking care of me repels me…I need to take care of myself. I stand, angry and clearly agitated. I think about going for some closet or storage room, but decide against it and turn on my heels to head to one of the sleeping compartments, empty because of the short trip. I need to be alone to stew. I know Peeta won't follow me for a little while; he would want me to cool off first.

I close the door behind myself and sit on one of the bottom bunks placing my head in my hands, pushing my hair away from my face. Hearing Peeta say that he wanted to take care of me has made me feel helpless. I don't want to be dependent on him, but then again I didn't want to be away from him either. There is no way I would have gone on this trip if he wasn't with me. Was that sad? The girl I used to be didn't need anyone with her to do anything…but here I am, needing Peeta with me for this, needing him with me at night, just needing him in general. But why? My mind swirled with thoughts and I decided to lay down.

I closed my eyes, sleep must have found me because the next thing I remember is Peeta sitting next to me on the bed. I blink and sit up, the anger I felt was no longer there and instead it was replaced with sadness and confusion.

"Katniss… I'm sorry…" his expression is so sad that I have to swallow hard to make sure I don't cry. "I didn't mean that the way you think, the way it came out…" he is stuttering a bit, unusual for him, he is usually so good with words.

"Its OK Peeta, I have become helpless since…well you know." I nod and stroke his forearm in what I hope is a reassuring way.

He is shaking his head, "No…No it's not that at all Katniss! I don't think you need to be taken care of, I am certain you'd do that just fine on your own. But I want to take care of you. I want to make is so your life is not hard at all. Not because I don't think you can handle it yourself, but because I don't want you to have to. I am here with you, always. I want everything for you Katniss." He strokes my hair, his voice is sincere and I don't know what to say to that.

"Peeta….you're too good to me." I've said this to him so many times, these words don't begin to really address my feelings for how I don't deserve him, but it's something.

"No Katniss… you deserve everything, sun and the moon. You have me and you always will. I just hope you always want me there with you. That you'll let me do all the things for you that I want to do. Please don't let your independence not allow you to depend on me for some things. I want you to depend on me…I need that Katniss."

And then I understand. He wants me to let him in completely, to let my guard down and just count on him completely sometimes. My eyes open wide and I bring my gaze to him and whisper, "I will Peeta, I'll try my hardest not to fight you." With that his lips are on mine, warm and soft, his lips part slightly and I follow suit, tracing his lips with the tip of my tongue, neither of us pulling away until we hear the announcement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please prepare for landing in approximately 3 minutes."

I sit up next to Peeta and grip his hand. "I guess we'll see how they see about us right now." I stand and he follows suit and we go back to the room we started out in. The landing is gentle and we are cleared to exit.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Peeta takes my hand as we begin to walk down the ramp to exit the hovercraft and I can see a crowd gathered. In the crowd I can see a lot of camera and something I had not thought about before pops into my mind, "Reporters" I gasp and stop in my tracks, surprising Peeta and the people walking behind me. "I didn't think there'd be reporters…" I stammer as Peeta pulls me gently forward.

"I've got you Katniss, no one likes the cameras and questions…but trust me…please." I nod and start walking again, wondering if the waiting reporters were the cause of my feeling of dread from earlier that day.

When we reach the group the reporters rush forward towards us snapping pictures and shouting questions. Peeta places an arm around my waist and keeps me close to him, the gesture is reassuring and I try to relax as much as possible. A woman steps forward and I recognize her… "Effie!" I shout in surprise as she gives the two of us a once over. She steps beside me and turns to the crown, her palm out towards them and she raises her voice, "Press…I will organize a time to ask your questions and take your pictures tomorrow…for now, please let these two get settled in." this seems to work and the reporters and camera retract, leaving a smaller crowd of citizens in their place.

"Thank you" I say to Effie, and then recovering from the shock of the press, "What are you doing here anyhow?"

Effie straightens up and adjusts the hem of her skirt, she has lime green hair for now, otherwise she looks the same as always. "Someone should have told you… I'll be your escort again and I am super excited." She does sound excited I think, "Now…lets get your thinks and get you over to the place where you'll be staying. You've got a big big day tomorrow." She sweeps her arm in the direction of the street; a dark automobile is waiting for us. I prefer to walk but keep my mouth shut as I get into the vehicle after Peeta.

Driving through the streets of the district is enthralling. There are trees I have never seen, and people walking animals along the road. Many of the structures are new, but I can tell some remain from the time before the Capital fell. In 15 minutes or so we reach an area of several homes, all very large, that look the same and I know this must be their Victor's Village. The homes seem much larger and more grand than mine back in 12 and soon we reach the last house and the car stops and we get out.

The home we are standing in front of is three stories tall and surrounded by lush grass. A large porch wraps around the entirety of the building and in the front there are perfectly cared for trees and flowers in every color I could imagine. The house itself is made up of some type of textured rock material and the steps and railings are all dark wood. It's a beautiful house, much nicer than the Victor's homes in 12. The houses here likely got a lot more use though, there were many victors from 1, and children trained their whole lives to be able to compete. This district took their victors very seriously.

Effie leads the way up the stairs and into the house, when we entered we're amazed by the foyer, its ceiling goes all the way to the room, large skylights letting in a lot of light and columns flanking us. "Wow" Peeta lets out; he is wide eyes taking it all in. I nod, wondering how many of my old seam houses could fit in this one room. While we were standing there Effie continues chirping on about our schedule and lecturing us on timeliness. I roll my eyes but keep quiet.

Effie ushers us into the kitchen next, its very large and stocked with all of the gadgets and utensils we could ever want. She waves a piece of paper at us, "Here is an inventory and a place for you to order additional goods. Mark what you want on here and it will be send over the next day." Peeta is grinning and I wonder what he is thinking about…I figure it's the kitchen, with plenty of room for his bread and for my kills…if I get to hunt.

"Up here!" she calls, Peeta and I are so lost in our thoughts that we hadn't realized she'd begun moving. We scrambled up the stairs to her and she showed us the two bedrooms on the floor. "This one" she points to the room at her right "is yours Katniss. And this one" she gestures to the room on the right" is for you Peeta" she raises her brow at me, "Now…I can't help what you do after I leave, but there are two rooms and I am going to assume you'll each be sleeping in your own beds."

My cheeks flush red and I look at Peeta who is chuckling and doesn't seem bothered at all. "Oh of course Effie, two separate rooms as always." He winks at her and turns back to me still laughing a bit.

Effie doesn't seem convinced but continues on, "So tonight, get your stuff settled in, have dinner and go to bed. I need you early tomorrow morning, we will be holding some meetings around the district and your schedules are full. I also need to work some time in for the media."

I start to protest but Effie cuts me off. "I know you don't want to talk to them but your choices are to talk to them in our terms or have them following you around the entire time you're here trying to snaps pictures and asking you questions. Having a set time they can take your picture and ask their questions makes the most sense." Peeta nods and I decide to go along with it. "Oh…fine!"

After a few more reminders about manners, how to dress, and so on Effie leaves us along in the house. Peeta and I stare at each other, unsure of what to do. "Dinner?" Peeta asks as he takes me hand and leads me down the stairs? "Sure" when we get to the kitchen Peeta throws the fridge open, inspecting the contents. "Why don't you go ahead and unpack our things, I'll figure out something to make down here." It's a good idea and I grin, climbing the stairs. I am not much of a cook, Peeta has the patience to make food that tastes good, I end up with burned mush half of the time.

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It takes me some time to put the clothes away. I decide that we should both keep our things in one room, and I chose mine as the bed is larger. I hope Peeta doesn't think it is too forward of me, back in 13 although we spend our nights in the same bed we kept our belongings in our separate rooms. I hadn't even thought about this until I found myself putting his things away along with mine. I hope it will be OK, I'd rather have our things together, no need to pretend we don't spend every night together. To hell with what Effie might think.

Having decided that we'd share a room I head downstairs and the smell of some kind of meat cooking greets me. "Oh that smells good." I say as my stomach rumbles loudly, and we both laugh. "Just about done" he says and I sit at a counter facing the kitchen watching him work.

"So what are we having?" I ask more to make conversation that because I really care all that much. To me food was food, you had to eat it to survive and for most of my life I couldn't afford to be picky. Even now, when I could be pickier it didn't feel right to turn my nose up at food. If it was put in front of me and I was hungry, I ate it.

"Seems that the people here eat a lot of cow…or beef as they like to call it. I found these 2 chunks of beef in the fridge, they are called steaks, and I am grilling them up" he points to the heavy pan smoking on the stove. "Then I found a bag of potatoes, I stuck them in the oven to roast." He points to the oven, when the timer reads another 10 minutes until they are finished. "Now the bread is the interesting part. They left us 2 loaves of traditional District one bread, its so dense and heavy, but we can use that to mop us whatever juices come out of those." He gestures to the steaks.

I walk over to the bread and pick up a load, "So much heavier than I thought this would be! I wonder what this is made out of?" I am surprised with the density of the bread and a thought pops into my head, "I wonder if this is why the tributes from 1 are always so hulky and big. They grow up eating big hunks and meat, this heavy bread, and lots of potatoes. I bet we'd all be a lot larger on that kind of diet. Wonder if anyone ever went hungry here?"

Peeta walks over and wraps his arms around me, "That's exactly the kind of thing we're here to find out and learn about."

"This all smells so good, thank you" the timer dings as I say this and I open the oven to catch a peek at the potatoes roasting inside. Peeta shoos me away and I retreat to an out of the way corner, watching him plate the steaks and potatoes, cut a few hunks of bread. I grab some napkins and utensils and we both head to the head. I sit down and he places my plate in front of me and sits next to me. Neither of us makes a move to eat, instead just looking at each other.

"Well let's dig in then." Peeta says cheerfully.

And now I really understands, this is what he wants, he wants to feed me meals, pull out my chairs, hold me up when I am freaked out by the press.

I grin and say softly, "I love you Peeta"


	23. Chapter 23

**I apologize for my long absence… I have been incredibly busy and have not really had a long stretch of time. This chapter is ridiculously long… Sorry **

The first night in Victor's Village is difficult. I can't help but think about whose house we could be staying in. I think about Cashmere and Gloss, the tributes for 1 in the 75th games. Peeta is snoring lightly beside me but I don't want to close my eyes, I'm afraid of imagining the deaths of the two them. I wish I could remember more details about them, who they really were. But all I can recall is their death, one of which I had directly caused. I clench my teeth and stare up at the ceiling while the guilt washes over me.

I take a few deep breaths to calm myself but can't control the feelings of guilt for killing Gloss. I know that he would have killed me, and that he was killing Wiress at the time. Those things were the reason I did it, but I can't help but think there was something in me willing to kill someone else, even if only to save myself. It doesn't last very long and my eyes become heavier as I drift off. I know that the nightmares are going to come, but I can't fight sleep any longer.

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I'm dragging myself out of the salty water, I am back in the arena and thankful that my father had taught me to swim. Only a handful of us had made it to the beach and I stare at the rest of the victors, stuck on their launching pads, not having yet figured out the floatation devices in the uniforms. Gloss and Cashmere are near each other and looking around frantically. They can't swim and the pads are right in the middle of the water, no way to reach land without diving in. I turn back to the Cornucopia and gather what I can. By the time I turn back to the others they are in the water, floating by their belts and paddling over to land.

Cashmere reaches the land first and I run to the other end of the island, the look in her eyes is pure hate and adrenaline. The arena glows a bright white and she turns towards me, I am frozen in place staring as she kills Victor after Victor, blood is everywhere but I still can't make myself move. Off to the side I can see Johanna coming towards us, Cashmere turns towards her and in a flash Johanna throws her axe, landing it her chest. Eight dead bodies lay in front of my, I am disgusted and nauseous but finally find my legs, jumping into the water and swimming back to land.

The next thing I am aware of I am watching Gloss slit Wiress' throat, blood bubbling out of the long and deep slit, her last few breaths coming out in gurgles. Something else takes over, anger or fear, likely a combination of both, maybe the need to get revenge for Wiress, but I am pulling back my bow and the arrow pierces his temple. I try to tell myself that he's dead but his eyes lock on mine, and I can see life in them.

Over and over I watch him die in front of me, nothing changes, I can't control my actions at all. The intensity of my reaction scares me, what some might say was a quick instinct now feels like an evil inside of me, a murderous rage that I wish I had never known. One more time I see myself shooting him, as the life fades out of him he gasps, "Remember me, remember my sister." And then I know, I understand.

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I wake up and find Peeta gone, I can smell something coming from the kitchen, so it isn't hard to figure out where he is. I prop myself up on my elbows and think about the dream, I didn't wake up screaming, so it was different then my usual nightmares. Instead of being afraid I am filled more with a sense of peace, if I could remember Gloss and Cashmere then there was a part of them still with us. I came here to write the history of Panem, but really now I would rather write the memories of the past Victors, so that I could remember them, know them past their bloody battles and death in the arenas.

The thought will need to wait, I throw off my nightgown and get dressed in dark pants and a black top, and I run down the steps to the kitchen. Peeta is standing at the stove, giving a pan full of something that smells amazing, when he hears me he turns around and flashes me a quick smile.

"Morning Katniss!" his voice is light and he seems to have made himself quite at home in this place already, as he moves around the kitchen so effortlessly.

I rub my eyes and move towards him, "Morning…" I am not as chipper as him, but I am at ease as well as I move towards the table next to the kitchen. "So whose place do you think this was?"

"One of their Victors…the brother and sister pair lived here, their parents and siblings were next door." He answers, obviously having paid much more attention to the materials we had been given and I had. Most of the travel time I spent staring out the windows but he kept those binders full of schedules and notes in front of him the entire time.

I nod and wonder if the dreams I had during the night had anything to do with being in their house, the place where they lived for many years after surviving their games. I feel a little nauseated thinking about their life here, a life I ended myself. "Oh" is all I am able to croak out as I wrap my arms around myself, I urge myself to calm myself and stop thinking about them.

Obviously worried Peeta turns towards me, "Katniss…." He approaches me with caution, worry splashed across his face. "I know this is weird…staying here where they used to live. We can find somewhere else if you want."

I shake my head, "No…No…I should be here, in this place where he was alive, where they were people instead of monsters. Where is their family now?" A horrible thought occurs to me, "Are they?"

Peeta is quick to answer "The father, he didn't make it through but their mother and sisters did,"

"We have to see them." I blurt this out, the idea coming to me suddenly.

He raises a brow at me but nods, "Ok… I will see if we can set it up."

I release my arms, and look up at Peeta, "Thank you…"

"Katniss, for you anything and everything." He chuckles as he turns back to the stove.

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Effie is knocking on our door as we're finishing our breakfast and Peeta lets her in, she seems pleased to see us awake but already I can tell she is wound us, as she clutches a clipboard and begins barking instructions at us.

"Ok you're dressed and you've eat, good, very good." She seems genuinely pleased that we'd managed at least this on our own. "Now we need to get going in just a minute. I have a meeting set up with the new mayor, and then later we will have your press interview, and after that I've arranged for you to meet with a classroom full of children."

The list seems overwhelming, a lot to do in one day. At the best of times I hate crowds and talking in front of people, cameras are something I particularly dislike. But going into the trip I knew that these things were possibilities. Effie is chipper as always as she tries to shuttle Peeta and I out the door. Reluctantly I put my dish in the sink and follow her, Peeta following closely behind me. 

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The meeting with the Mayor was quick, he was a busy man. He is a middle-aged man originally from the District, he had been key in turning the District from Capital supporters to members of the Rebellion and has proven himself to be nothing like the old government of One. Under his influence hospitals had been built in more outlying areas, schools were reopened and the disparity of the classes was far smaller.

He tells us more about how the government will run after the war, "Each District will have election, where every person above a certain age will get a vote. There will be a Mayor in each District along with a group of people, a committee made up of 35 elected citizens to represent every area, and a smaller group of people that will preside over trials of all kinds." He pauses for a moment as Peeta furiously scribbles notes. In addition the people will vote on the President and each District will elect their own representatives to send to the Capital. We don't want one person to have all the power anymore and we've added terms for service and limits on the number of terms."

This does sound like a better system to me, with the power being distributed among the districts. The people in 12 had no power in the Capital at all. Our purpose was mining coal, other that the Capital did not care at all about us. Well, other than getting our two children per year in the reapings that we sent to their deaths in the arena. I hope that this system means that people will no longer fear the Capital anymore.

The Peace Keepers have change drastically as well the Mayor describes, "There is still a force of Peace Keeper, much smaller in number than before the Rebellion. All of the stringent laws put in place by the former regime were revoked and they mostly patrol the streets and insure there are no crimes occurring. The crimes that are on the books now are mostly theft and violence based, they ensure order but obedience or strict behavior rules, people are free to speak against the government, the Capital or anything else they like. If someone is caught committing or about to commit a crime they are taken to a holding area and their fate is decided by a group of people from the community. Punishments are no longer physical but instead the person being locked away for a time or directed to do a certain amount of time in service to the community."

He beams with pride, it seems he approves of the new system. It is a good thing to see, because without the officials being on board completely things could easily revert back to the way they were and possibly worse. I am not quite ready to accept that things have really changed and that Panem is a better place to be than in the past.

After this the Mayor needs to leave for another meeting and say our goodbyes. Effie sweeps in the room as soon as he is out the door and she is fussing over us. "Oh I wish I had gotten a stylist to pick your attire out! Katniss, you didn't even bother to match your top to your bottom, and not a piece of jewelry or a speck of makeup on you! Peeta… didn't you see that hair gel I had left for you…its flying everywhere." Obviously she is anxious about the meeting with the press and I roll my eyes.

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The press interview is a lot lower key then the press has been on the Victory tour and in the Capital. I expected flash going off in my face and a mob yelling questions at me. Instead we in a large conference room and the members of the press sad quietly waiting for me and took turns, there was a time set aside for pictures at the end.

As usual I let Peeta answer the bulk of the questions and are surprising less personal in nature then I am used to. They seem more interested in our mission here then getting gossip about our lives. One reporter, towards the end of the interview did ask us a question that I find hard to answer.

"So, I am sure we all want to know this… what is going on with the two of you? Are you colleagues on an assignment together or maybe something more?" he smiles as he says it, but it doesn't make me feel any less awkward and I can feel my cheeks turning bright red.

Peeta steps in, his cheeks flushing slightly, "Well, we are just happy to be here, and we enjoy being here together…"

It didn't feel right letting him flounder and I burst out, "We're…together….but not too seriously…I mean…slowly…"

The reporter rescues me, "You're taking it slow and seeing were things lead?"

I let out a big breath, "Yes…that!"

A light chuckle goes around the room and Peeta turns to me grinning.

That ends the question and we pose for a few pictures to go along with the stories.

Effie ushers us out of the room and takes us aside to discuss the school visit. "Now, the school is just down this road. " she hands Peeta a hardcover children's book "Take this, you two are here to read the children a book…take turns reading each page, hold it up so they can see the pictures." She seems distracted and it's surprising she would let us go on our own.

Peeta takes my hand and we start walking towards the school, "So…we're together?" he asks me, a smile playing on the corner of his lip.

A sinking feeling kicks in, what is Peeta doesn't think we're together, and worse than that I can't believe I am worried about Peeta not thinking we're together. I babble, "Well…I just thought…we…well you know, every night…but it keeps away the nightmares and…"

Peeta stops and spins me around to face him, he is looking down at me and I smile nervously, "Katniss… it made me so happy to hear you say that. I didn't know where I was with you, so I tried to just deflect the question…but we're together" he is grinning and suddenly leans down to kiss me pulling me in to him closely with both of his arms around my waist. I am caught off guard but I throw my arms around his neck, wanting to press myself further into his chest, enjoying the feel of his warm lips on mine. He ends the kiss "Together…we're together!" he is practically squealing as he takes my hand and continues on to the school.

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The book reading goes smoothly, the children are young and excited, happy to see us. We read a book about a lamb who has many adventures, it is short and easy and that is exactly what I need after such a long day. It is a relief to be back at the house, relaxing after dinner on one of the couches. I have my head in Peeta's lap and he is stroking my hair as we discuss the next day.

Effie has sent us a note that she did not have our day scheduled tomorrow and that she would be away. She suggests that we head into town and explore the area, talking with people on a more casual basis. The rest of our trip will alternate between scheduled interviews and free days to explore as needed. In total we will be here for ten days.

"Hmm… this is odd, that she would trust us on our own like this." I say

"Yes…she rushes off this afternoon too…like she had somewhere else she needed to be." Peeta replies.

"Well that's just fine for me… I'd rather be able to meet people naturally on our own." I add

"I agree… I have some ideas about what I want to do tomorrow." He says with a grin and I don't question him further, I am getting tired and the hair stroking is making me happy and sleepy.

"Mumph" I mumble closing my eyes. Peeta gently gets up and rouses me.

"OK….bed time" he laughs and we head up the stairs.

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The next day we walk the streets of One and get to know the district. The war had ravaged areas of the district, the government center mostly, but other areas were spared. There are rows and rows of houses, factories that made furs and processed gems for the Capital. Their town is much larger than the one I was used to in 12, there are restaurants, stores, and bars, the area stretches for several blocks.

I am not much for shopping, but Peeta wants to visit the bakery, and I don't mind going along with it. After we ask about it we find out there are actually five different places that we might want to visit. Some sell only bread, another only sweets, but most surprising was a shop that sells only cakes, mostly wedding cakes.

"One for wedding cakes…" Peeta is incredulous, wedding cakes were something few people had in 13, and only the most well off could have a cake. The cake was small, frosting required a lot of sugar and that was one of the more expensive staples. "The entire time I can remember working at the shop we made maybe a cake a year, never more than a single tier." He looks down and shakes his head.

I shoot him a look and understand what he sees; the people here were the closest to the Capital, they lived most comfortably out of all of the Districts. While the people of 12 could barely feed themselves and died each year in horrific mine accidents harvesting coal for the rest of the country the people here had money to spare on expensive luxury foods. It should be making me angry, the disparity in the ways we lived, but sadness numbed the anger…I couldn't be angry with these people any more than you could be angry with the citizens of 13 for living the way they did. The Capital set this system up and they have been defeated.

I move my hand to Peeta's and give him what I hope is a reassuring squeeze and he looks up at me smiling. "I need to see this, talk to these people…this is so different then 12, this is more Capital then District."

With that we walk down the sidewalk towards the cake shop.

The shop owner meets us at the door and ushers us inside. Peeta goes off with him to look at the equipment and I sit down at a small table in the corner with a large book of pictures. Turning the pages of the book I see pictures of cake, the cakes that the bakery had made. There are all different kinds, the further back I go the more intricate and elaborate the cakes get, the book is dated and the newest cakes are much smaller and have fewer details on them.

"Ah… found the book did you?" the shop owner asks from behind me. Peeta walks to my side and looks down at the book.

"Wow…this one is amazing." Peeta admires a large multi-tier creation made long before the rebellion.

Bentho, the shop owner sits down in one of the chairs, clearly settling to tell us his story, "Well…I've owned this shop for 25 years and I've made a lot of cakes. I am happy to be here, my life and my shop intact. The business is different now, cakes are becoming more common, the supply and price of the ingredients is down, so I make cakes for birthdays and graduations."

He flips to a page in the beginning of the book, where the newest creations were and pointed down to a small square cake with balloons drawn on it with frosting, "This one was for a little boy's 6th birthday, his family moved here after the rebellion from District 7, came to start over as their village was completely destroyed. His mother is making fabric in the factories, it makes me thankful for the rebellion when I saw that all people, no matter their income level, could save and once in a while have a cake. It's not just the cake, of course I want people to come get them from me, in the past there were two definite sections of our citizens. There were those who worked in the town, for the government, and other higher paying positions. Then there were those who worked in the factories, in the homes of the better off, and other lower paid professions. Cakes, fancy clothing, eating in a restaurant…these things could only be afforded by those of the first type. A factory worker made barely enough to eat, feed their families ad keep a home."

He shakes his head sadly and stares down at the table, "What a shame it was…so much excess around here, but we had people practically starving to death." He takes a deep breath and lets it out loudly and slowly. "And I was right there, with everyone else. At first, I was against the rebellion, I was after all a shop owner, and not the best off, but comfortable. Then I learned about how other districts were living, the people here rose up and I went with them. During the rebellion I stopped making cake and helped make food for those fighting the rebellion. One is the closest to the Capital, once the rebels got control it made a perfect staging area for the troops."

Bentho adjusts himself and looks at Peeta, "Is that what you wanted to know about? How we used to live, how we live now and what life was like during the rebellion?"

Peeta nods, "Yes, that was an amazing, thank you so much for sharing it with me. It's reassuring that life has gone on here for you."

The old man smiles and chuckles, "Well there is only one other option to going on with life. I am incredibly lucky here with my shop. The district has switched from making solely luxury goods. For example instead of making one dress for a fancy ball in the Capital they make 20 dresses for regular wear and they sent them out to all districts. It's a positive change, in my eyes."

We thank him for his time and his willingness to share with us and head on our way.

"I like the idea of that six year-old getting a cake on his birthday. Can you imagine?" I turn to Peeta and ask

"On our birthdays we would get a cookie, one that hadn't sold. They were usually stale but they were cookies anyhow." He laughs.

"We didn't celebrate much at all, my mother would fix dinner and sometimes the Hawthornes would come over. " I instantly regret bringing up the Hawthornes, but looking at Peeta it doesn't seem to upset him at all.

"It's nice to see a change." He concludes.

Peeta slips his arm around my waist and I turn to face him. He leans down and gives me a quick and soft kiss on my nose and another on my stunned open mouth. Quickly he spins around and begins walking again.

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Effie manages to schedule a dinner with the family of Gloss and Cashmere that evening and I am nervous but excited and ready. I want to face them, to know how they lived before, the people that they were. I need to see whether they blame me, or if they hate me. Peeta is worried about me, surprised that I want this meeting in the first place. But I have an idea, I want to memorialize those that died in the arena, playing a sick game for the entertainment of those in the Capital.

Walking up their street it's clear that they live a much simpler life now than they did before the rebellion in Victor's Village. They live on a quiet street in a small one story house, they have a small porch and a nice yard. Once we're at their house I we see that they are sitting on the porch, an older woman and two girls in their late teens. They rise up to meet us halfway up the walk and it is the first time I feel tense, anxious to see what their reaction to me will be.

"Katniss! Peeta!" The woman bellows out in a friendly tone "Such an honor to see you both, that you want to come see us."

Surprise must register immediately on my face, I am shocked this woman, whose daughter I had literally killed would be welcoming to me.

She seems to read my mind, "I know what happened Katniss. What could you do? Of course I wanted my daughter to come home to me, I wanted my son back too. I thought we were safe after they each won their games but the Capital took them away from me. The Capital killed them Katniss." She lowers her voice so the girls can't hear her, "She would have killed you if you didn't kill her you know."

With that she smiles and welcomes us into her home, we sit at her dining room table, already set for the five of us. Peeta is to my right and he placed a hand on my knee, it reassures me and I exhale the breath I didn't realize I had been holding.

The woman, Agga, serves the meal family style and for a moment we're quiet as we load up our plates. After we all settle down Peeta breaks the silence, "Thank you so much for having us in your home, we're honored that you are willing to have us here and thankful for your lovely hospitality."

Agga smiles, "The pleasure is mine. I want to introduce you to my girls Jhantee and Mita." With this girls exchange greetings with us, I can tell that they are the quiet type, and they are both quiet tall, with eyes like their brother and sister had.

"I'd been told that you had some questions about Cashmere and Gloss for me, what did you want to know?"

I clear my throat, this trip was my idea, I couldn't let Peeta be on the hook for all of the talking. "Well… I never knew them outside of the arena; I want to know about the people that they were, outside of the arena and the Games."

She nods and begins, "Those two were inseparable. When Gloss was sent away for his Games Cashmere could barely watch him, she worried day and night, when he won and came home to us she was the happiest I had seen her in some time. After he came home they moved into his Victors House and me and the girls stayed in hers. Cashmere liked to cook and every day she would take a run around the neighborhood, no matter what the weather was like. Gloss took interest in making models of buildings, he loved to build intricate sets and he helped to coach several high school sports during the school year. The both of them were always athletic, they never gave that up."

"Did they train for the games?" Peeta asks gently, not sure whether the question could cause offense.

Agga nods, "Their father was fascinated by the games, he wanted his children to be ready to come home if they were ever chosen. They had programs here, from when the children were young where they would train for the Games. After Cashmere was chosen we knew that it was likely that Gloss would follow. Before the rebellion and the end of the Games it seemed pretty inevitable that these two" she gestures at the two girls quietly eating their dinner and listening intently. "would be next. I am thankful each day that no more of my children will be sacrificed to the Capital."

She pauses for a moment and takes a few bites of her dinner and I let her words soak in, Cashmere and Gloss were real people, they trained for the Games because their father feared they would one day die in the games, it seems so unfair that is what happened. "How did they take the announcement that they were going back into the Arena?" I ask without thinking but remembering my own reaction.

"They tried to act like they could handle it but it was plain to see that they were anxious, one of them at least was certain to die this time. They had security being Victors, especially in this District, they were extremely popular with the people here, everyone was upset, it seemed so unfair after what they had already been through. Cashmere took it worse than Gloss. She had been seeing a gentleman who she was quite interested in, life had started to settle down for her." She shakes her head sadly, thinking about what her daughter's life could have been. "Gloss was nervous about being in the arena with his sister, he was terrified of a scenario when it was the two of them left. He was the younger one, but was always trying to protect her."

As the night went on we learned how Victors lived in the district. They were revered, treated like celebrities. It was such a contrast to home where the only Victor was Haymitch and he was a drunk that most people tried to avoid. But here the Victors were given a lot of respect, everyone wanted to be their friend and they had no end of interested suitors.

As we were finishing dessert Agga gets up and goes into the next room, "Just grabbing something for you." She shouts from the living room and in a moment she returns with a few photographs. "Here they are, pictures of them when they were young and then just before the game. They said you might be doing some sort of memorial or something?" She pushes the pictures towards me and when I look down Cashmere and Gloss are smiling up at me, arms around one another in front of some building.

"Thank you for these… this is so nice of you. I want to do…something written down so no one forgets them. I hate to think the only memories people could have would be videos of them in the Games. That's not who they were, they were real people."

Agga reaches across the table and takes my hands in her, "Please do that Katniss."

We call it a night soon after and make our way back to Victors Village,


	24. Chapter 24

**I am back – thank you to those who are still reading along…. My first fanfiction attempt has certainly been an interesting road!**

I am expecting Effie to come get us for our trip to the train station, but she is nowhere to be found in the morning. Peeta is as confused as I am, and he paces around the kitchen.

"We're going to be late if we don't get over there… should we just go on without her?" he asks me, clearly bothered by her absence.

"This isn't like her…I wonder if something is wrong? Something has been going on with her the entire time we've been here…disappearing for days, and now running late for a train!"

As I say this last bit she comes bursting through the room, clothing rumbled and wig slightly askew. I raise my brow at Peeta but say nothing, she is clearly flustered and I am curious to see what she has to say.

"Tell me you two are ready…I am late…we have to go" she runs grabs our arms and begins to pull us outside to the waiting car. After we settle into the car and she shuts the door behind us she collapses into the seat looking tired and not as put together as she usually does.

"So Effie…what wrong going on?" Peeta asks bluntly "You seem preoccupied with something else and its not like you to run late, we know much you love that schedule." I laugh lightly thinking of someone scolding Effie for not adhering to her schedule, she is a major stickler.

"Yes….well... I apologize…I have some personal matter I have been needed to attend to."

"Personal matter?" I ask her, looking confused…this has made me even more curious than I had been before. "Is everything OK?" could it be a death in her family or some other type of bad news? I didn't think of Effie as having a lot of relatives, but she must have some.

She shakes her head, obviously regretting she has said anything at all. "No, No… it's not like that…this is an…ahem good thing but I am not quite ready to discuss it with other people, so I am sorry, I will be more attentive going forward and not let my private business interfere with my duties to you." She said this with a tone of finality that indicated we would not be discussing the matter further and me and Peeta exchanged a glance but did not say anything further.

At the train station a small crowd had gathered to see us off, and we arrived only a few minutes before the train was scheduled to depart. "OK then….lets get going to the train" Effie chirps, having gathered herself in the car and back to her usual self.

We get out of the car, shake hands with the people waiting and are quickly ushered unto the train. The sun is coming down and once we start moving we walk over to the dining car to get something to eat. I order a rabbit stew and Peeta has a large bread bowl filled with stew, once we have our meals and drinks we settle down to discuss Effie.

"So… what do you think she is up to?" I ask "She says its personal and a good thing….did someone have a baby or something?"

Peeta chuckles, "Maybe she is seeing someone…someone who she does not yet want to be seen with." He mulls this over for a moment."But who?"

"Hmmm not sure… but thinking of babies, I wonder when Annie will have hers…I hope we'll be able to get back quickly enough to meet him right away."

He is nodding and smiling, "I think we will have a hovercraft take us back to 13 when it's time" I let out a sigh of relief, I hadn't given much thought to the situation but I had promised Annie I would come right away when she had him.

We return to our plates and eat in silence for some time before he speaks again. "Have you thought about seeing Gale while we are in Two?" he asks me softly, knowing that Gale is still a sensitive subject for me.

I can feel my heart stop and my blood turn cold, "I don't know…"

"You should see him Katniss… it would be good for you… just think about it."

I nod but don't say anything…I didn't remember that Gale was in Two, that I could even see him, I don't know if I am ready and even know, just thinking about Gale I can't help but think about Prim, and he beautiful face just seconds before the second blast of his bomb went off and took her away from me.

The rest of dinner is quiet and soon we've cleared out plates and made our way to our sleeping car. Peeta sits on the couch and open the binder we've been given with our schedule and information about our visit. Instead I pull out the book I had been writing in while in the hospital and hop unto our bed, reading it cross-legged.

Every day I had written about the things that were bad and the things that were good in my life. The bad list and the good list had been very uneven in the begging and as I flipped through the pages I found the entry I had written the day that Gale had visited, I had put his visit in the "good column" but was I now happy to be in the same District as him again? Thought of seeing him again made me both nauseous and excited.

I closed my eyes and tried to picture Gale, my Gale, the one in the woods who always had my back, who was always watch my back and take care of my family if I couldn't. It was impossible to separate that image from the one of Prim's face moments before the second explosion went off. I opened my eyes and hopped off the bed and over to Peeta, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, it was less a gesture of affection and more an attempt to comfort myself but Peeta didn't seem to notice as he laid his head back against my shoulder and closed his eyes letting out a soft sigh.

"Bedtime?" he asks me, looking tired and sleepy himself.

"Yes!" I am ready for the day to be over, but I know that sleep will be difficult now that I have Gale on my mind.

After we've changed into our night clothes we lay in the bed together and I am resting my head in the crook of his shoulder. This is a place I am happy and I resolve myself not to give Gale another thought, not while I was laying here with Peeta listening to slow rhythmic sound of his breath. Peeta fell asleep before me, and I close my eyes trying to do the same but the scene of my sister's death keeps playing out before my eyes. Eventually exhaustion kicks in and I drift off to an uneasy sleep.

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I am in 12 sitting in a grassy spot by the pond, it has just begun to turn to fall and the air is still warm but the humidity of summer is gone. I had set a line out to catch fish and I am resting before going to gather it up and bag my haul. I lean back on my elbows and allow my head to drop and my eyes to close, the warm breeze relaxes me and I have no motivation in me to go back to my work. Finally I force my eyes open and look to my left, Gale is sitting by my side now, still and watching me closely.

"Catnip…" he whispers softly as he stands and offers me a hand up, "Want some help getting these lines in?" it's as if no time has passed since we had last been in the woods together and I see myself nodding eagerly, holding unto Gale's hand a few moments longer than necessary. We walk towards the lake and I can't help but notice his jet black hair and his broad shoulders, and I catch my breath surprised that I was thinking about Gale in that way.

As we pull in the lines he talks, "Katniss…I wish we were back here every day again, just feeding out families, next to each other always. I miss you so much" I can see the muscles ripple under his shirt as he yanks a long line, heavy with fish, ashore. "Can we ever go back to this?" He turns and looks at me waiting for an answer.

"Gale… I don't know… I want to though" and I realize maybe I do want to, "I miss you too Gale, life was so simple here with you, how can it ever be that way again?" I start to remove the fish from the line putting them in my bag as I go.

"This way? No…this way is gone for us… but I would love for us to be back here, for 12 to be back here, but we can't do that." He looks at the lake sadly and bites his lip and looks back up at me, "But we can still have something together. Anything you want… I just…I miss you Katniss."

I look down at the ground and walk slowly towards his, "Gale… what can we have? Can we ever go back to that friendship…after everything…"

He places one arm around my waist and pulls me firmly to him, I can feel his warmth radiating through me and hear his heartbeat and suddenly I didn't want anything other than to remain close to him. "Friends isn't the only option Katniss….I've always loved you and I thought that you might feel something for me too" he placed his other arm around my shoulder and drew me even closer to him and he looked down at me, and I knew what was going to happen.

He leaned down towards me and kissed my lips, his left arm coming up to cup my face. He smells like the woods and his lips are strong but soft on mine. I got so lost in the feeling that I barely notices when our lips parted, our tongues intertwined together and I found myself running my hands underneath his shirt to feel his warm skin. I don't know how long we remained that way but when he pulled back my legs felt like jello.

"Gale… I don't think we should do this." I look around the lake, no one else sees us but I think of Peeta, wherever he is.

"What do you want Katniss?"

I sit down on the grass, "I want to rewind two years, I want to make the bombs go away, I want my sister back, I want…" I can't go on as I bury my face in my hands and let out the tears that had been hiding just below the surface. I can feel Gale sit beside me, not touching me but close.

"I wish all of those things too… but we can't take any of those things back…no matter how much we want to" he places his hand on my back and pulls me closer to him, cradling me to his chest. I let out a soft sigh, content with what is happening.

After a few minutes I am calm and look over at Gale, "What do you want Gale?"

He grins, "You Katniss, I want you…friends, more than friends, whatever you're willing to give me."

This time it is me who leans in for the kiss, a warmness spreading through my body that I was not familiar with. I wrap both of my arms around him and lay back on the ground pulling him over me. His weight on top of me feels amazing, he is so strong, but not he is being very gentle…I don't want that…I suddenly want more of him and I pull his face sharply into mine. I let me hands fall to his waist and tinker with the button on his jeans and then run a fingertip just under the tops of his pants.

He lets out a soft moan and pulls away from me. "Katniss…what are we doing?"

"I want all of you Gale" I say to him, not really knowing what exactly all of him means but he gives me a grin.

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I wake with a start, Peeta is still next to me and it appears to be dark outside. I can't believe my dream, the thought of dreaming of doing…those things with Gale when I was sleeping on the same bed as Peeta, laying in his arms seems so wrong. Why would I think of those things, the possibility of seeing Gale again really seems to be messing with me. I don't want to be thinking about these things, I'm with Peeta, my decision is made and at best I can hope to forgive Gale and see him without wanting to punch him.

I close my eyes and I am back the lake, still in Gales arm's, but we're looking up at the clouds trying to figure out what they are shaped like. I feel an intense guilt was thinking about another man while in bed with Peeta, I feel even worse for thinking these thoughts about the person who designed the weapon that killed Prim. I can't make the image go away and together with the guilt I realize that I miss Gale, very much. I don't want to get into my feelings for him, if I have any or if he has any, but I miss him greatly. I need to see him while I am in Two.


	25. Chapter 25

**I have to say I almost did not come back here to continue this after a private message I received about the last chapter. I have NO issues with negative reviews or folks who don't like the direction I took the story in, that is totally cool with me… but sending a nasty PM is a bit much. It was totally hateful… which was so surprising since we (me and anyone reading) have no personal connection, I never promised to make no mention of Gale to anyone here, telling me you hate me because I wrote a chapter you didn't like makes me very sad ;(**

**So… I apologize if you didn't like the last chapter, this may or may not be going the way you think it is…but if you don't like it, well not everything is for everyone. I'm sorry if you hate the story now…**

When I wake up I am still next to Peeta and intense wave of relief comes over me. That dream really shook me up… I haven't given Gale a second thought after the last time I had seen him, in the cafeteria right before he left. Was my subconscious trying to tell me something? The feeling I had in the dream, when I was with him, it didn't feel like happiness, even while we were doing those things I felt the guilt.

Peeta's chest is rising and falling in a slow rhythmic pattern and his eyes are closed softly, sleeping like this he looks so peaceful and content. I have to wonder what he is dreaming about, how I would feel if what he was thinking about was being with another woman. I didn't feel jealousy, but I knew that I should. I sit up slightly as I don't want to go back to the dream, I never want to have that dream again. I use my fingers to trace Peeta's strong jaw, and the lines of his face. He begins to rouse and I pull my hand back watch him wake.

"Mmmm Katniss…what time is it?"

I glance at the clock on my nightstand "Eight in the morning already! When will we be there?"

"No wonder I am so hungry, we're usually eating by now" he laughs because we usually rise early, habit from our years of baking and hunting. "I think we'll be there after lunch."

He hops out of bed and grabs some fresh clothing and goes straight to the bathroom, "I'll be right back"

It seems like a good idea so I gather some clothing and go to the bathroom across the hall for a shower and a change.

I take to my old habit while in the shower, I leave the water running and I sink to the ground of the tub, letting it wash over me. It's an easy place to think, no one is going to come bother me in here as long as the water is running. I settle in, hugging my knees into my body and propping my head on my arms.

My thoughts immediately turn to my dream and Gale, what could it possibly mean? I don't feel like that about Gale, it's hard to think of him without thinking about Prim and the bombs. I have so much anger myself do I belong with someone like him? Or do I need Peeta to calm me? The answer is obvious to me, Peeta has been here for me, through the games, through the war, my recovery, and now he is here with me touring the country. When I think about Peeta my stomach feels funny and fluttery, when I think about Gale there is still so much anger.

The dream wasn't like the dreams when I am with Peeta, in those dreams I feel nervous but excited, last night it felt….well not the same. I never wanted to get involved with romance for this very reason, it complicates everything, my life was so simple before…but I guess all along Peeta and Gale has a thing for me. I remember those days of being oblivious to it all, I wish that was the way things are now. At this point I am all too aware of these things.

If I had never been reaped and Gale and I had continued the way we were its likely he would have eventually confessed his attraction to me and I would probably develop the same feelings for him. But I had never thought of him that was before the games, we were hunting partners, best friends maybe, our families were very close. But I never wanted to be married, to get involved with things like romances and kissing boys. I am still amazed at how much things have changed for me. Gale and I might have been together in my past life, but not in this life where we made the bomb that killed my sister.

As I think about Gale I am surprised to feel not so much angry, but instead sadness. Sadness for the loss of what we had together in 12, a close friendship and trust, and for Prim. I decide this is a good sign and stand up in the shower, certain I have already taken up enough time. I finish washing up and get out of the shower, dry off and change. Once I have brushed the tangles out of my hair I braid it back and away from my face.

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Once I get back to the room Peeta is waiting for me and I notice that I have been gone for almost an hour. He doesn't seem too concerned, his arms full of binders of information on the city.

"Ready for breakfast?" I remember he had said he was hungry, I feel selfish for taking so long when I knew he would be sitting here waiting for me, hungry, but not willing to leave me behind. He was so good to me, and in return I barely thought about his needs at all.

"Yes! I'm sorry I took so long" I grab his hand to his surprise and pull him to me. "Let's go!"

We walk down the hallway together in silence until we enter the dining car. Effie is seated at the table, holding some sort of communicator device.

"Well good morning you two, about time you made it out for breakfast. What on earth where you doing in bed so late anyhow? Wait…don't tell me I don't want to know."

My cheeks burned red at her insinuation but she kept right on going.

"OK we'll get to the District around 2pm, someone will take your things to the house you'll be staying in but you will go right to the…" she drifted off her communication device making a noise. She grabbed the device and read the screen; smiling to herself she punched in something and set it back down. "I'm sorry… I forgot where we were. But… well.. here" she thrusts a piece of paper at Peeta with our schedule and she picks up her communicator again and starts typing once more, a goofy grin on her face.

I raise a brow at Peeta, this is very unusual for Effie, being polite is a big thing with her, it didn't seem too polite to be talking with someone else while we were having a conversation. I decide to rib her a little. "So Effie who are you talking to there?" I ask her innocently.

"Oh it's no one, and it isn't any of your business anyhow." Her face is red, but its hard to tell whether it is embarrassment or anger.

Peeta joins in, winking at me "Is it a boyfriend maybe? I didn't know you were seeing someone…care to tell us who the lucky guy is?"

'Yes it is, I mean… no… no I won't tell you, there isn't anything to tell, let's just move on to something else OK?" Peeta open his mouth to say something but she stopped him, "I said drop it OK?" She was annoyed and flustered. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to raise my voice. An old friend came back into my life, I am not sure where this is going and I don't really want to discuss it with people, OK?"

Peeta and I nodded, and I feel a little bad for Effie, its clear she wants this to become something, but she's not sure what. I understand not wanting to tell people. Peeta and I had to do everything in public, it was so uncomfortable, it felt so force. The effects of our early relationship being so public are still around now. I often wonder whether what I feel for Peeta is real or only because I spent so much time pretending. Best to keep things private until everyone is sure.

Effie gets up, taking her device with her. "Well, enjoy your breakfast then." She slips off towards her room and Peeta and I are left alone with our food.

"So who do you think it could be that she doesn't want to make it public?" Peeta whispers to me, not wanting Effie to somehow overhear.

"It's hard to say, but I think it's a good idea to keep it to herself until she is more sure…a public relationship is…well you know how it is, it's hard." I answer quietly.

"It's not too hard if you are sure. I know it was tough for you during the Victory Tour, I had hoped and wished that you loved me back then, but I know that it was just false hope. For me, it was easy…I would get up on rooftops and shout about how much I love you; I would tell anyone who listened. Having you on my arm was amazing." His eyes sparkled when he talked "But you…I know it was difficult, you don't enjoy being in public, it must have been stressful to always have to be on and pretending."

I try to interrupt him, "Peeta…it wasn't like that!"

He chuckles and looks at me sideways, "Oh it's OK Katniss, I know you were pretending, well I know now, you had to do it, it's the only reason the Capital let us survive. Of course I would have rather you meant all the words you said and all the kisses but… well it's OK anyhow…you are here with me now, and I hope you mean it."

"I do! Of course I do!" I am surprised that he can even question my feelings for him anymore.

"Katniss, when do you think you stopped pretending?" he asks me seriously, taking a big bite of a bread roll and patiently giving me time to think.

I have to think hard about this one. During the first Games I know I didn't love him, I felt something for him, but it was more a sense of camaraderie, District pride, a wanting to get back to my family. We were in it together and I assumed he was pretending as well. The time we spent in the cave was tender and at times turned romantic, but I was so scared for my life I don't think I really had the capacity to love him. At the end when it was announced that we could not both win, and one of us had to die I was so angry at the Capital. I had been through so much with Peeta, we had come so far and we were about to win and be sent home to our families, I couldn't bare the thought of losing him at that point, of coming home alone.

On the Victory tour he comforted me, and I could plainly see that he felt something for me, that he loved me. But I was scared for my family and I put on a smile, grabbed his hand, and hammed it up for the cameras. But again, my anger and sadness after the games, was just so overwhelming, I began to resent him. I felt guilt for what all of the pretending was doing to Gale, and I felt badly for Peeta because he wasn't pretending but knew that I was and that hurt him deeply. Mostly I was bitter that I forced to perform, to live a lie because the people of the Capital loved the story line and the drama.

"I think it was when we went to the Quell. You were amazing, after everything you think you'd hate me, want nothing to do with me…but there you were like a rock, loving me no matter what I did. I was confident that I was going to die, I went into it with a plan to save you at any costs." I chuckled "of course I didn't know that you and Haymitch had some other plans. But there you were, holding me at night, forever optimistic, even in the face of what we were going to do. I didn't realize it was sneaking up on me but it was."

I take a deep breath, sharing this was difficult, but for me sharing anything was hard. "During the games you ran into a force field and your heart stopped. You almost died and if it hadn't been for Finnick reviving you…. Well let's say it would not have turned out well. Anyhow, while you were on the ground and he was working on you I was hysterical… I was so upset I was beside myself, I couldn't think straight. Loosing you pushes me over the edge. When you came back to me, I was so relieved, so thankful. I sobbed, and it took some time to calm me before we could continue."

"I knew that…that I care very deeply for you at that point. It wasn't just that I was trying to keep you alive…it's that you were _gone _and I was alone and without you, it was unbearable." Tears stung my eyes as I remembered the moment, sheer terror and an overwhelming sadness, "You were gone and I couldn't handle it…I…I couldn't go on." I look down at my plate, willing myself to stop the tears, there was no way I could have looked at Peeta.

I hadn't notice him get up but the next thing I know he was kneeling behind me and wrapping his arms around my shoulder. This was enough for me; the tears escaped from my eyes and flowed freely down my cheeks. Even thinking about the moment, though it was unlikely to ever happen again was enough to make me fall apart. "I thought…. I thought I had lost you. I wanted you to be there at the end…" I say softly.

'Katniss, I will always be here you…always. Thank you so much for saying what you did…I always wondered how you felt in the 2nd games, I thought we had a moment on the beach, I take it now that we did? I hardly remember the force field, but I do remember coming too with Finnick on top of me, you were sobbing a few feet away, it was horrible knowing I caused all of those tears."

He kissed my forehead as my tears faded and I wiped them off of my cheek. "I never want to cause you those kinds of tears again. I am here for you…if I have any choice in the matter I will never leave you."

With that I pulled back a little and smiled "I'm sorry I brought it up again…I just…that is when I think I knew there was something…different about you. On the beach….it felt different then all of the other kisses we had shared. Warmer and more real." Peeta grinned.

I took the opportunity to put my lips on his and we remained there for several moments. Rudely however we were interrupted by Effie rushing back into the room.

"You too! Honestly…it's breakfast! Its already 11am… finish eating and find something more presentable to wear, we'll be there soon!" Effie flees from the room after making the announcement. Peeta and I looked at each other and burst out laughing.


	26. Chapter 26

**I hope you all enjoy this one…it's a bit slow, heavy on the story telling I think. But don't worry I have not forgotten about Annie's baby, Effie's romance or Gale. **

Peeta and I are dressed to Effie's standards and are waiting by the doors when the train slowly pulls into the station. The crowd to meet up here is smaller, District Two was the most aligned with the Capital and the death toll from the rebellion was particularly high here because of the Nut. Effie had warned us that there were people here who still mourn the fall of the previous regime and who may not be very welcoming to us. But I think, after surviving the Games and then the war, that I should be able to handle some hostility.

The train finally comes to a stop and the doors open, Effie escorts us out into the platform where a photographer is waiting to take our picture. As I turn towards the camera I spot someone familiar off in the corner looking at us. My face registers shock as I realize it is Enobaria. We'd not heard from her since that last meeting with Coin…sitting around the table and having a vote on having a final Game with the children from the Capital. She must have been sitting near the other tributes watching as I assassinated Coin, but after that I had no idea where she had gone and what became of her.

After a few minutes in front of the photographer Effie led us to the side of the platform to Enobaria and my nerves begin to act up. During the Quell she had been in the process of trying to kill me when we were rescued, I wonder what she thinks about me and Peeta now. I don't have too long to think this over as Effie is walking at top speed, in more of a hurry than usual.

"Well….isn't it nice to see our little Mockingjay again?" Enobaria chuckles lightly but sounds more or less friendly. "No really, good to see you both. We thought you might stay with me while you're here. How about that?"

Peeta steps in for the both of us, "Sounds good to me… it's been too long really, I had no idea you were back in the district."

During this exchange Effie has been ushering the three of us over to the road where a car was waiting for us, the three of us piled into the back seat and Effie sat with the driver in the front.

"Yea, I came back here. Really I had nowhere else to go and I couldn't stomach the thought of staying in 13 for a moment longer than I needed to. All those long tunnels, so deep under the ground… it was suffocating to me. I need to be out here…in the fresh air, the sunlight, and all of that."

I nod and understand completely, living in 13 was odd; it was so far underground that at times it reminded me of the mines where my father had worked and eventually died, I didn't need the constant reminder, I hoped that when this little adventure was over we'd never move permanently back there again, I also needed the fresh air.

We ride the rest of the way to their Victor's Village in silence, the homes are even grander than those in District 1 and the streets are paved with some type of material that seems to sparkle as we drive past. When we are in front of Enobaria's the driver open the doors for us but Effie stays in the car. "I have some things to attend to… I will be by tomorrow morning, first time. You have a big day!" Peeta shoots her a questioning look, but she doesn't elaborate further and is driven off before anything else can be said.

Enobaria leads us into her house, and we all sit awkwardly in the living room. "Welcome to my home" she starts, the aggression I had known her for seems to be gone. "When I heard the two of you were coming…I thought it might be nice to have you stay with me. The last time I saw you…it wasn't…well we were all not doing our best."

I laugh, almost snorting at her statement, "Well that's saying it lightly. Last I remember we were voting on a final games, but I suppose you were there when I….well killed the wrong president?" I decide to put it out there, no sense in beating around the bush with her. Peeta takes my hand in his and gives me a squeeze.

"Oh yes! God how I am glad that bitch is dead. I wanted that one last game when she first brought up, wanted it badly." She settles further into the couch, clearly ready to talk for awhile. "I wanted revenge, for everything that I had gone through, for everything we all had gone through. Worse of all, for all the people that went through so much but didn't survive to tell the tale. I wondered how the citizens of the Capital would feel if it were their own precious children going into the Games and dying for the entertainment of others."

"I trained my entire life for the games, around here it was an honor to have your name drawn and there were no shortage of volunteers to take your place if you weren't willing. But… that is crazy now that I think of it. Why were parents so eager to train their own children to die? There could be only one winner, well except for you two, so it was almost certain death for someone heading into the arena. Still, it made my parents so brought that I went. If I had died they would have been sad, but beaming with pride at how I went down. That is so sick."

"When I was little I always knew that I would end up a tribute. In school our physical education program was geared towards the skills needed in the arena. After I got out of class each day my father would take me to the gym to practice my skills more." She shakes her head sadly, remembering her parents. "And all for what? I almost think it would have been better to die in the arena than to deal with what you have to deal with as a Victor. I thought life would be so nice as a Victor, they were like celebrities around here, they seemed to get so many special favors from the Capital."

:But little did I know… no one could have known, we Victors were threatened into silence, breathing one word of our treatment to others would be a guaranteed way for our families to suffer and our loved ones to be killed or tortured." She paused for a long time looking down at her hands before looking back up at me.

"Katniss, I think your fate would have been a lot like mine. They waited until I was no longer a minor, apparently they had some decency. But as soon as I was 18 I went to the Capital and was sold to whoever would pay the highest sum. It was…humiliating…degrading…horrible. Those men, old and disgusting, had no respect for me or my body, they didn't give a fuck about me." Towards the end her voice raised in anger and her eyes revealed a rage that was still burning fresh in her mind.

"Being with a Victor was such an honor I guess…but I was never given a choice. If I didn't go along with it and even pretend to enjoy it my parents and siblings would have been killed. It makes me sick that I had to play along like I liked what was happening to me…so the people who bought me needed to get a good value for their money, apparently being with someone who was crying and shaking made them feel bad, I had to be charming and open to them for….their enjoyment."

She stopped talking, drained emotionally from sharing her experience with us. "Did it happen to all of the Victors?" I asked, thinking of Haymitch and whether people paid to sleep with him as well.

She shakes her head, "No… not all of us… most of the women, as male victors were much more common. For the guys… the more attractive the more likely he was to be sold. It was really dependant on who was willing to buy what and at what price. Finnick was sold often, it really killed him because his heart was with Annie. Others, those who were unattractive were generally not used for those purposes. The Capitol still found ways to keep them under their thumb, but different ways."

Peeta had been quite in all of this but had been thinking of Haymitch as well it seems, "What about….Haymitch? He spent so much of his time drunk and dirty that I can't imagine…" he trails off not wanting to finish the sentence.

She laughs, "He is quite the mess now… has been for years. It was before my time but the rumors were that he was used that way for a number of years but eventually he began to drank, stopped bathing, and he basically made himself someone no one wanted to sleep with. It was a way of protecting himself they told me when I asked about him after my Games." She shakes her head sadly "but it seems to have ruined him anyhow. He didn't have to do those things anymore, but he was in his own personal hell anyhow it would seem."

Peeta nodded, "Thank you for sharing that with us. When we found out what was happening it was shocking, all those years we'd all thought of Finnick as the playboy of the Victors but in reality…" he didn't finish his sentence and his face flushed with embarrassment. "I guess in that way we were lucky the rebellion came when it did."

I nod along with him, and think about what it would have been like, my first time with some disgusting stranger who had paid for me and I shiver at the thought. "I am so sorry that happened to you, I…I can't even imagine what it must have been like. I guess now I can see why so many Victor's developed a drug or alcohol problem… it was one way to deal with the things that were happening."

Enobaria smiled sadly, "Yes you were lucky…as pretty as you and as handsome as Peeta you would have spent at least a decade in service, as the Capital called it. I thought as a Victor I would be free to anything I wanted, but in reality we were not free at all."

Peeta decided to press on with another difficult discussion topic, "So talking about the rebellion, how was that on you and on the people of this District? We were warned that sympathizers of the past regime still exist here…" he didn't finish his thought but we all knew where he was headed with it. I slid slightly closer to him on the couch and turned my attention back to Enobaria, still surprised at her calm demeanor and candor with us.

"Ah the rebellion. Well, at first I was against it, after all I was freed when you were broken out of the arena. The Capital used me, but they still trusted District 2 the most, we were all so loyal they never thought I would join in with the rebels. I guess I was so good at being their little puppet they figured I had no thoughts of my own, able only to spit back what they had indoctrinated me with." She shook her head and looked back at the two of us before continuing. "I decided to join towards the end, victory for the rebels seemed sure to me, the whole country was so sick of being under Snow's crushing rule that I had to listen, to stop repeating what the Capital forced down my throat and think of the others, those outside of 2, people who lived horrible lives and had to send their children to their death. Even people whose children I had killed back then."

"Around the District joining the rebels was not done lightly, joining them meant moving out of the District because of the high number of Peacekeepers and military members here. More than half the people in the town were working for snow and the army, more than enough people to quash any bit of rebellion. People who were suspected of people Rebel sympathizers were dragged out of their houses and publically punished and killed. It was horrible, no one said a word about anything to do with the rebellion out of fear of being accused of being a rebel."

It is hard to envision such violence in a District that was so aligned with the Capital. But before I could ask any questions she continued. "Well...after all the other Districts joined in the rebellion and the Rebels had made it here and bombed the Nut there was no choice, the District had to go with the Rebels, most of the people who were Rebel sympathizers had already made their way out of the District and to 13. After the bombing I came back with the Rebels, fought in the last battle against the Capital…and well you know the rest."

Peeta speaks first, "Did you want to join in, or did you feel like you had no choice." He said it so bluntly I wondered if Enobaria would take offense, but looking over at her it doesn't seem so.

"At first no…I thought life would be even worse for me without the Capital at least providing for me and my family. You see…while the other Districts were often oppressed and had shortages of supplies we had so many military and government members living here that for the most part, it was second only to being in the Capital for quality of life and the freedoms most people had. But after seeing what was happening to people thought to be sympathizers I thought more about the way of life in Panem, and the premise of the Games and I began to find it wrong, to wish for something different. But as a Victor, the only one who escaped torture after being captured by the Capital I was too afraid to do anything until the Rebels came to the District." She shakes her head "I am so disappointed in myself… I was so brave and fearless during the Games and the Quell, but I chickened out here. I knew what was right and I didn't stand up for it. I will live with the guilt forever."

Seeing her this upset with herself makes me feel very badly for her, I have a lot of guilt around the rebellion as well, a lot of things I did that I regret, things I did not do out of fear. "What's done is done" I say quietly "No one could blame you for that." I continue, I want to make her stop feeling guilty, but I know she never will.

"My mother and father… they joined the Capital forces, and they were killed." She lets out a long sigh "My little brother, an adult now made it over to 13 with me, now he's living there still. But my parents and everyone else fighting for the Capital is hated now…I have to say I wish they hadn't joined the fight at all, but the two of them were never ones to back down from a conflict, and they died not backing down. It was for nothing though, the wrong side."

Peeta nodded, "That must be so hard, not to have them around, and to have people think badly of them. I understand why they joined with the Capital, they weren't the only ones. Maybe if we had grown up in 2 things would be different, we wouldn't have such a strong drive to rebel."

She locks eyes with him, "My parents were good people…they were good people. This is the way of life they knew, they had no idea what the Capital was doing to me, no idea about the blackmailing and constant threats to their lives. If they knew it would have been different." She chuckled darkly "At least that's what I tell myself."

I want to change the subject, it is hard to think about people actually wanting the old Capital regime to conquer, the Capital was so corrupt and unjust, it is so obvious to me, I can't see past that to understand her parents at all. "So…what have you been doing since you left 13?"

Enobaria shakes the dark look off of her face, "Well, I came back here because at least I would have a home. Being a Victor doesn't get you nearly what it did before. People still respect the few remaining Victors but gone are the days where I was sent money and food on a regular basis. So now I write a newspaper column and I am working on a book of my experiences, all of them. I want people to know the truth." She laughs "Imagine that! Me… a writer! But it passes the day, and really there is something soothing about getting everything out, telling the truth about how things used to be, hopefully we will never go back there!."

I let out an involuntary yawn and Peeta glanced at the large clock in the room. "Time for bed Katniss?" he asks me and I nod, wanting to talk to Enobaria more, but needing sleep to be up for Effie tomorrow morning.

Enobaria shows us upstairs to the bedrooms, "So… one bedroom or two?" She is grinning, and her smile widens when she sees the red creeping over my cheeks. "Well let's just say there are four bedrooms up here, you can take whichever one or ones you want." With that she turned heel and heeded back downstairs yelling a loud, "good night!" behind her.

Peeta looks over at me, "So… do you have a preference?" I point to the room on the left. "OK… looks good to me" he takes my hand and leads me towards it, bringing in the bags that were piled at the top of the stairs.

"Peeta…" I don't know where I am going with this, I want to be close to him, hearing the story of how District 2 joined with the rebels had drained me slightly, filled me with a lot of negative emotion, and I wanted comfort, more than that I want Peeta. I crawl into bed and hold out my arms. "Will you…stay with me?"

Peeta looks up in surprise; he had been taking some clothing out of the luggage. "Of course I will, I always will, you never even need to ask, I am here." He moves to the bed, "Sleepy?" I shake my head "Tired?" again I shake my head. "Then what's going on?"

I smile and say in an a barely audible voice, "I just need you next to me now…"

That's all Peeta needed as he climbs in bed next to me and turns off the light. Instantly I have my head on his chest and my arms wrapped around him. "Peeta…" I whisper "I love you" with that I sigh and bury myself in him…the rhythmic beating of his heart beginning to lull me into sleep.

"Katniss…I love you too…and I love to hear you say that." And then in a quieter voice that I am not sure was part of a dream of reality, "and J can't wait to ask you to be mine forever." 


	27. Chapter 27

It's our fifth night in District 2 when it happens, it's middle of the night and I hear the pounding on our bedroom door, softly at first, but getting louder the more awake I become. Peeta jumps out of bed, disoriented and rubbing his eyes, he walks to the door and flings it open. Enobaria stands on the other side holding a phone and looking like she has been woken from a dead sleep as well.

"It's for you two" she holds the phone out to Peeta "Annie is having her baby." She directs her gaze at me as I sit up in the bed, swinging my legs off to the side. "She's having it very soon. You'll have to take a hovercraft." She goes on before coming to sit next to me on the bed, the both of us staring at Peeta as whoever was on the other end of the line gave him the details.

Finally he hangs the phone up and turns to us, "Well, we're leaving….basically right now. Grab a few changes of clothing and we'll catch the hovercraft in the field by the house." He looks over at Enobaria "I'm sorry to have you woken up like that… Annie really wanted Katniss there for this. Thank you so much for letting us stay, we'll be back in a few days."

Enobaria chuckles, "Well you can't help it when babies come…just hope you get there before the baby does! I will see you two again soon." She smiles before heading out of the room and back towards the stairs.

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I sit next to Peeta on our way back to 13 and we both clutch cups of coffee. I have never developed a taste for the stuff, too bitter for me, but I knew it would wake me up and make me feel more alert. I need to be alert for what is coming next. Annie's baby, I can't believe it's really time, though I should have known it would come any day now, if I had been keeping track of time and the months like that. Peeta beside me is silent and I have to wonder what he's thinking.

"So… it's really time?" I turn to him and say, the silence is making the ride even more monotones then it should be.

"Can you believe that they are going to have a little baby soon? Finnick as a father… wow it is really hard to believe. Annie though, she must be so happy." I nod and he continues, "Have you even seen a birth before?"

"Yes… my mother helped many people with theirs, but it was always so bloody I would leave the room as soon as I could unless she really needed my help. Waiting in the hallway is the way to go…all that screaming…yikes, I don't think I got any of the healer genes." I chuckle but Peeta scoots closer to me, his face grows more serious.

"I wouldn't say that Katniss, I think you're a great healer. Remember in the first games? You're the only reason I lived you. When you found me, covered in mud and buried in the creek I was almost dead. But you washed out all of my wounds, patched everything you could…you were amazing. It was incredible how calm you were at the sight of all of that, and how gentle you were." He looked like he was going to go on, but instead took my hands in his and turned to face me. "Thank you Katniss….for that and for so many things."

A blush crept unto my cheeks and I remembered the day in question, I had almost retched a thousand times while cleaning him up, open wounds and burned flesh never being my thing. "I tried my best, but my mother or my sister would have done much better." Bringing up Prim still left a sting, but I notices not as much as it had, maybe I am finally going to be able to think of her without so much pain.

He laughed and brought my hands to his mouth, gently kissing each one. "No Katniss, I think I had the best doctor of all in the arena, for me there was no one better than you to heal me. I felt better just being with you, seeing you was such a relief after the announcement.

Stubbornly I pout, "Well some real medicine and bandages would have made you feel even better." But my protest is half-hearted as I can still feel the heat of his lips on the tops of my palms and I slide close to him until I can feel his hot breath on my cheek. "Does me being next to you make you feel better now?" my voice comes out in a flirty and slightly suggestive tone, I don't know where it comes from but Peeta reacts to it immediately.

"Of course Katniss, everything is better with you next to me." He murmurs quietly as he puts his arms around me and draws me closer, he puts a hand under my chin and lifts it until I look into his eyes, with that he moves forward and I close my eyes at the point where our lips meet.

I enjoy the sensation for a minute before snaking my hand into his hair and pressing his closer to me, our mouths parting slightly and our tongues interacting. I could stay like this forever, his sweet breathe, his taste and the feel of his body pressed against me the sensations were pushing me over the edge, I never thought that I could feel this good. With one hand in his hair I used my other to trace his spine, up and down, in response he moved his hips towards me, and I knew I was making him good as well. Peeta moved a hand from my shoulder and pulled me in to him by the waste tracing the top of my waist line in a way that sent shivers down my back.

After what felt like a long time Peeta pulled back from me to gulp in a few breathes of air and we both look at each other, grins on our faces as we hear the announcement. "Please prepare for landing we will touch down in five minutes"

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By the time we make it to the halls of the Hospital I can tell that Annie is already in labor, her screams fill the hallway and I slow my walk, memories of the women my mother assisted filling my mind. Peeta can sense my nervousness and he wraps an arm around my waist as we walk. I feel better with Peeta so close and I rush to the door of the delivery room. Standing outside the door unsure of whether to knock or what I manage to catch Finnick's eye, he stands my Annie holding her hand and brushing the hair out of her face. He gestures for us to enter and we do.

"Katniss!" Annie exclaims in a breathless voice, "I knew you'd make it, I knew it." She shoots Finnick a look that tells me he doubted whether we'd be able to make it in time. He looks over at me and winks, "Well…I didn't know whether you'd be able to pick up and leave in the middle of the night, but they must have sent for you right away. Annie has been at this for almost 10 hours, but they tell us we should soon see our little boy." He beams, brimming with excitement.

At that moment Annie lets out another scream, a contraction hitting her at that moment and the doctor does his check of her, "Well Miss Cresta, looks like we're almost ready to push here. How are you doing?" Annie looks at him with wide and wild eyes, not thinking much his question and spits out, "How do you think? I feel like something is ripping me open from the inside!" sarcasm uncharacteristically dripping from her voice.

Finnick exchanges a look with Peeta and I before return his gaze to Annie, "It's going to be over so soon Annie, and then you'll have our son in your arms. You won't be able to be angry once you see him, I promise" he then leaned in closer to her and whispered some things in her ear for a few moments and she smiled again, her eyes full of joy.

The doctor broke into things, "OK – let's have a baby then!" he said with a big grin, helping to position Annie and giving her some directions for what to do the next time a contraction hit. Peeta and I stood to the side, near Annie's head opposite from Finnick and watched her face contort in pain. I reached out and stroked her hair and she turned to look at me, her eyes weary and tired but a smile playing on her lips.

That was the last moment of calm and quiet in the room, as the next contraction hit and Annie pushed with all her energy and force. Finnick kept her cool with a wet rag on her forehead while Peeta and eye held her hands. Time seemed to slow down and I began to worry that something was going wrong; the doctor didn't seem to worry so I pushed the thought from my mind. After about 15 minutes Annie gave one last strong effort and the crying I heard come after filled my heart with so much happiness, he was here, he was really here!

As soon as he was here the doctor whisked him away to be quickly cleaned up and placed him on Annie's chest. Annie clung to the tiny baby, counting his fingers and toes while crying huge tears, she looked the happiest I have ever seen her. Finnick was wiping some tears from his eyes as he kneeled next to Annie one arm around her and the other arm stroking his son's head. Peeta and I had moved to the side, further from the new family to give them some space.

Peeta turns to looks at me, "That was beautiful, amazing really." His eyes shining and his gaze resting on the new child, "He's so small, but look at them, they are so happy." His voice was full of happiness and wonder, but there was also something else there, maybe it was longing. I know Peeta did want children, and I know he knew how I felt about them, but even I couldn't deny how happy he was making the two of them.

After a few minutes where they cried together clutching their new baby Annie popped her head up, "Katniss…Peeta… I want to introduce Jace Odair to you." She smiled gently and turned him over to show him to us. "Come here…don't be worried" when we stepped closer to her, my fingers touching his gentle skin she cooed, "Isn't he beautiful?" We both nodded, "Yes Annie, he is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen." Peeta offered for both of us and Annie beamed with pride.

After a few more minutes of visiting we decide to make our way out of the room, promising to come back soon as we wanted them to have their privacy and we wander down the hall and out of the hospital wing.

"So where to?" I ask, pausing to look at Peeta.

He looks at his watch, the only real way to know the time underground, with no windows or views of the outside. "How about breakfast? It's a little past eight now…" as if on cue my stomach growls and we laugh. I let Peeta lead me down the halls to the cafeteria, where folks we haven't seen since we left on our trip are all eating and chatting.

Mom is the first person I seek out and I see her sitting by the Hawthornes, most of the way through her breakfast. Peeta follows my gaze and grins, grabbing my hand and walking me over to the table. We stand there awkwardly they notice we are there and my mother jumps up right away and walks around the table to me.

"Katniss! You're here…what happened?" she seems happy to see me but there is concern in her eyes, I wasn't expected to come back for months.

"Annie's baby…she had her baby this morning." I tell her, relief apparent on her face.

"Oh my goodness, how is she, how is he? Oh I can't wait to see him." She gushes, clearly excited to get to work in the hospital and see him.

"They're great, the little guy couldn't be more adorable. Finnick is over the moon." I reassure her and sit down, Peeta goes off to get up breakfast trays. My attention turns to Hazelle, Posy, Rory, and Vick.

"Hello Katniss, its nice to see you again." Hazelle says in her usual soft voice. "How have you been? How is Peeta?"

We exchange pleasantries for a few minutes until Peeta returns and Posy takes the opportunity to climb up on my lap. "Kat…Kat…did you go see my brother yet?" she giggles but her question strikes a chord with me, I know she is talking about Gale, and I have pushed all thoughts of him aside since that night I had that weird dream.

"Posy… not yet, but we've been so busy." I try to distract her with a hand clapping game but she seems determined.

"But he misses you…he misses you so much. He is sad, but if you go see him he will be happy." She crosses her arms and pouts, her older brothers looking on cautiously and nodding slightly at her question and suddenly I feel guilty.

I stare down at my tray. "Well, I don't want him to be sad, I am sure he will be happy soon." I try not to promise her anything, I can't break a promise to Posy, her sweet innocence reminds me too much of Prim.

"You have to promise!" she hops off of my lap and faces me, arms still firmly crossed. "He is sad because you won't see him, if you see him he will stop being sad. This isn't haaaard." She whines during the last word and her face is turned firmly into a pout. "If you can stop someone from being sad, but you don't do it then you are a mean person." She looks at me in an accusatory way and goes back to her seat. Hazelle looks embarrassed but didn't stop her from saying what she said.

I stare hard down on my tray, and I can feel Peeta tense next to me, worried about my reaction. Vick and Rory look at me with the same accusatory tone that Posy had taken. "I'm sorry." I whisper "I….I just couldn't… but I'll try."

"Promise Katniss!" Posy exclaimed, her arms crossed again. At this point Hazelle tries to shush her, but looks at me and nods slightly. I need to go see Gale, unless I want to be mean at Posy says.

The rest of breakfast goes in silence, I choke down some of my food but my appetite is ruined, and I am thinking of Gale again.

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We get to spend the rest of our time here with Annie, Finnick and little Jace, they look so happy and content together. The room they moved Annie too was much nice, full of soft furniture and bright lights. Annie hold Jace close to here and he falls asleep quickly, tired from his ordeal.

"So, not that he's here are you going to stick around 13?" Peeta asks.

Finnick shakes his head, "Oh no…we were staying here for the birth and we'll stay for a few weeks after but then we're packing up and going back home, back to Four." He looks at Annie and his son, "I want him to learn to swim and fish in the same waters we did and Annie's mother is back there, we were so lucky she was safe after the war." We all nod quietly, many citizens died in the war, involved in the fighting or not.

"What will you so?" I ask, I can't imagine what I am going to do after this tour is over, I have nothing to go home to, I can't imagine what job I could do.

Annie grins, "I am going to take care of this little guy." She giggles and jostles Jace a little bit before continuing, "Finnick here is going to do what he would have done had the Hunger Games never happened, he's going to fish." The look of surprise on my face must have registered, "We want a normal life, now that we don't need to be at the Capital's beck and call we just want to raise our children, work like anyone else, and build our own little life."

Finnick is nodding and smiling, "I never thought normal would be possible, we'll never really be normal, the Games have made their mark on all of us, but we can try.

Peeta looks at me wistfully, and I wonder what he's thinking, but at this point Jace wakes up and we place pass the baby. When I hold him I am amazed at how small he is, how soft his skin, and how sweet his breath smells. I have never held a newborn before, and I am not sure how I feel about it. I look down on him, squirming in my arms and smile, he has no worries at all, and he is going to be safe, he will never have to worry about being sent to die for anyone's entertainment. And I know…this is what the war was for…for him…he'll never know the crushing control the Capital exerted over us, the fear of being picked to die in the Games, the isolation from the rest of the country, or abject widespread poverty. It means it was worth it for me, for all of us. I look up and see Peeta watching me hold him with a huge smile on his face, his eyes twinkling and I can guess what he is thinking about.


	28. Chapter 28

"Will you come with me?" I ask him, hoping more than anything for a yes.

He shakes his head, "No… I don't think I should, I think this is something you're going to want to do without me."

I let out a dejected sigh and try again, "I really want you there though, I do want you there… I need you there…please?"

He places an arm around my waist and gives me a small squeeze, "Katniss, you know I will always be there for you…but this I think is something that should be private, between you and Gale only, I don't think me or anyone else being there is going to be good. You need to work this out with him, no interference from me or anyone else."

I know he's right but a scowl forms on my face, why does he want me to be alone with Gale so much anyhow? Ever since we got back from 13 I have been thinking about Gale, about Posy's anger and that I owed him a visit. Prim's death, I had to stop blaming it on him, I was torturing him with my silence, I know how badly he's wanted to talk to me and I haven't given that to him. But what can we ever have together? I want to go back to him being my best friend and my hunting partner, but our lives are so messy and complicated now, that doesn't seem possible.

Peeta puts the other arm around my waist and turns me to face him; he puts a hand under my chin and lifts my face to meet his gaze. "What are you afraid is going to happen?" he asks softly, he seems to be truly curious.

"I…I don't know… it's going to be so hard to see him again. I don't know what the point is, nothing will ever be the same with us, I stopped blaming him after seeing the tapes, he doesn't need my forgiveness, he only needs his own. I don't know… I hate the unknown, I am sick of the unknown…" I trail off, realizing that I have been babbling.

"Of course nothing is going to be the same between you; nothing is the same for everyone. Me and you…we're not the same…no one is the same now, not after everything we've been through." He tells me and I know he's right. "I'll be a phone call away, I am here for, always, but I think you're really going to want to do this on your own."

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The car drops me off at the door of the building and Peeta stays in the car, he grasps my hands as I am about to slide out, "Remember Katniss, I love you." I swallow hard and I get out, marching to the front door and into the reception area. They'd been expecting me and I am ushered into an inner waiting area near his office and I sit in an armchair waiting for him. My nerves are going crazy, my heart beat is erratic and my breath comes out heavier than usual.

I don't have to wait long as he comes out of a door down the hallway and strides quickly towards me. He looks good, some scars remain from the battle but his hair has grown back out and the tan returned to his skin. He's not as thin as the last time I saw him, but the bags under his eyes tell me that things could be better for him. He's carrying a gym duffel back as he nears and I wonder what it could contain.

"Katniss…" he says when he is a few feet from me, he stops there, clearly wanting to come closer, but attempting to restrain himself. "Thank you, thank you so much for coming to see me." He fiddles with the straps of his bag "I thought maybe…we could go outside and just talk some?" he is so meek and his voice so weak, this isn't the Gale I know and remember.

"OK" I say and follow him out of the building and we walk for a ways until we reach the edge of some woods. "Gale?" I stop at the edge, where a fence separates me from the forest. I can smell the pine trees, though it is a bit different than the woods I know back in 12. He pries open a loose segment of fence to my right and holds it open for me, I step through and into the forest until I am surrounded by the trees and can't see the street at all. He's following behind me, I can barely hear his footsteps but I can somehow feel him.

When I stop walking and turn around he motions to a large bolder and I sit. "Katniss… I thought maybe the woods would be the best place for us. This spot reminds me of our old meeting places, I come here a lot and just try to remember what is was like before…everything."

I nod, tears forming in my eyes, and I am doing my best to fight them, "I haven't been out in the woods in such a long time…this brings me back, I remember our spot, and I remember the last night we were there together before the reaping…I remember that a lot."

"I wish I could go back to that time, I wish I could go back on a lot of things. I am so sorry about what happened, I hope you believe me… I love Prim like one of my own." He paused and looks up at me, "I see her face every night in my dreams." His eyes are dark and full of sadness, they look like the ashes left behind by the bombing.

"I know" I choke out, I can tell me is suffering and I know he has been suffering his entire time, and I feel guilt for not coming sooner. "I'm sorry Gale…. I am so sorry." I manage to spit out before the tears overflow flow down my face. Gale makes a move towards me, as if to comfort me but stops himself. "She wouldn't have wanted us like this...she…she was the sweetest person I've ever known, she would have wanted me to come sooner, to let go of being angry" I know it's true and the memory of her feels like a punch in the stomach.

"You have no reason to be sorry, I don't deserve to have you here, if you never came it would never be your fault, it would be mine, all mine." He moves closer to me and I say nothing "She was a wonderful person, and she didn't deserve that. She had so much to give to others, even in her last moments she was trying her best to ease the suffering of others. I didn't know she would be there, I didn't know Coin would drop the bomb on the children and then send in our medics, but that doesn't matter. If I had never thought the thoughts that led to the bomb being created…she would be here." He says the last part in a choked voice and I look up to watch him fighting tears of him own.

Gale is not a crier and I know how sincere his feelings be, the anger I had felt towards him for so long is replaced by something else, something I don't quite understand. A feeling of emptiness comes over me and I slip a little closer to him, he looks up at me surprised but says nothing. "It was Coin…I saw the tapes…I know she sent her on purpose. Prim was there because of me, I didn't fall in line as well as Coin wanted and she wanted to hurt me, since she failed to kill me during the mission…Prim was the thing that mattered the most to me." I let out a sob, remembering the footage, the evil look of determination Coin's face.

He nods sadly, "it's not your fault, it was all her. She was threatened by you, you have….a way about you…when you talk people listen, and they pay attention to your actions. She didn't have that and she wanted it so desperately, seems she was willing to do anything to get you out of the picture." He pauses and looks at me, tenderness mixing with the pain behind his eyes, "I am thankful every day she didn't succeed." He looks up at me and I blush, tears still streaming down my face.

"But I think she did succeed. I am physically be alive, but without her I am nothing. Prim was my sun and my moon, she is what mattered most to me in the world. The only reason I was in the Games to begin with was to save her life. I fought the war to make her life better. But it was for nothing, she died anyhow…it was all for nothing." I am overwhelmed by a sob that shakes my entire body thinking of Prim and how I couldn't protect her in the end.

"No Katniss…no…it wasn't for nothing." He whispers, trying to compose his thoughts, he inches closer to me, our knees practically touching "You saved Prim for as long as you could, everything you had control over you did for her. Without you she would have died in the Games. There are tens of thousands are children you saved from the same fate, without you we'd still be gathering annually for the reapings" I know he's right but its hard to admit when Prim is gone "It wasn't for nothing." He reiterates softly.

I nod my head and start at the forest floor and the duffle bag by his side. He follows my gaze and his hand goes to the bag, he drags it up by his feet and a small smile comes across his face. "I have something for you…actually it was always yours but I thought…maybe you would want to have it." He pulls out a bow and sheath of arrows from the bag and hands them to me.

"How did you get these?" I grab the bow as if it were my most precious possession; I haven't seen it so long I thought that it was gone for good, "I didn't think… I thought this was gone." I grabbed a bow from the sheath and strung it on the bow; the feel of it in my hands brought back a flood of memories. Gale and I in the woods, before any of this had happened, just trying to feed our families. "Oh Gale… thank you." It didn't seem like enough and I grabbed his hand, to his surprise. It spread warmth through my whole body, touching him again and we sit in silence for a few minutes.

Gale breaks the silence, out hands still connected, "Katniss, I am so glad you came, I miss and I miss this" he gestures to the woods around us "it was a much simpler time for us then, I know we'll never be able to go back, but maybe we can have something new?" he seemed hopeful and tried to meet my gaze.

My tears had dried up and I mulled it over for a few moments, "Gale… I don't know what's going to happen to us…but I think…well it's been hard to be away from you too. Before the Games I thought…we had something, you knew everything about me…now what are we? Strangers? Friends? I don't know, I want something, but I don't know what we can have. I want to go back, just two years, before any of this happened, before…"

Gale doesn't let me finish as he bridges the distant between us and wraps his arms around me and presses me in close to him. At first I think about resisting it but then realize how good it feels to be so close to him. I can feel his heart beating in my chest and his warm breath in my hair. I melt slightly, relaxing all the muscles that I've kept tensed for so long. His muscular chest and shoulders press against me and I involuntarily sigh as I feel myself relax.

"You don't know how much I've wanted to do this." He murmurs in my hair "I never thought I'd get the chance, hell I didn't think you'd ever even talk to me again." I said nothing but my thoughts are swirling in my head. I wonder briefly what Peeta would this of this, Gale and I locked in each other's arms, but the thought is gone as soon as it enters my mind. My heartbeat picks up as I think back to my dream and I worry that this will go further than it should.

Gale pulls back from me after a long time of us holding each other in silence and he looks at me, "So… what do we do now?" he asks me, he doesn't add any detail but I know what he means. "Are you and Peeta… are you together?" he finally asks the question I know has been on his mind the entire time we've been apart. His tone is neutral but his eyes reveal his thoughts.

"Gale, we are…" I don't know what to say other than that.

"Serious?" he asks

I shrug and nod at the same time, "I think so…not engaged or anything, but we're seeing where it goes. He has just always been there with me, he keeps the nightmares away and he calms me when I get too upset." I don't know why I am justifying my relationship but it seems to hurt him even more.

"Lucky man." Gale breaths a heavy and pained sigh, "I would give anything to always be there for you." He looks up wistfully, "I always thought we would end up together, there is no one else out there who is more perfect then you…if he's smart he'll never let you go." I see him swallowing a few times, keeping his emotions under control. "I wonder if things could have been different…if we could have ever been…"

He doesn't need to finish his thought because I know, "I think they could have been…we could have been…" I don't know how to continue what I've said, "Everyday I wonder what could be different if all of this never happened…there was no one else Gale…" tears come to my eyes again, this time the tears are for the relationship we never had but lost anyhow, suddenly I wish we were back in 12, hunting together and close as ever. "I…I sometimes wish it were different."

"Is there still a chance for us Katniss?"

I know I should say no right away, I am with Peeta and he would be heartbroken to listen to this. "I don't know… I just don't know anymore." I cast my face to the ground as I answer. I am embarrassed that I can't answer no but I am scared to answer yes. I have no idea what I want in this moment, seeing Gale has brought me back, to a time when I could have loved him.

"That's all I need Katniss… a chance, a possibility." A small smile plays on his lips as he moves towards me in what I feel is slow motion. His mouth is less than an inch from mine and I have the urge to bridge the gap between us, "I just want you to remember, I will always love you, I will always be here, I am yours, even if you are not mine."

I hold perfectly still scared that the inch towards my lips and kiss me. I don't want him to do that because if he does I am not sure I will want him to stop. Peeta's face flashes before my eyes and I wonder what I am doing here, in the woods practically kissing Gale. Luckily he doesn't and slowly pulls his face away from me.

He stands and grabs another bow from his bag and looks at me intently, "So…what to do you say we go shoot some game?" he grins and I smile back, the first smile of the day for me and I grab my bow and follow him.

Hunting again feels amazing, I have not felt freer in a long time. It surprises me how easily Gale and I can slip back into our old patterns, we still seem to know what the other is thinking and about to do. Having him by my side feels natural and I don't think of Prim and the bombings once, instead I concentrate on shooting the rabbits and squirrels I encounter. I am rusty with the bow but after a few shots that miss their mark my aim is back and as good as it ever was. It warms my heart, I lost so much during the war, but this was one thing that was never taken away from me.

After a while we settled back on the stone to rest. We've got a few rabbits and Gale cleans them before throwing them in his bag. "Well… we should probably head back" he says reluctantly "I wish we could stay here forever." He sighs and leans back closing his eyes, savoring the moment.

I know this isn't the end for us, but I don't know what else we can have. I face Gale and try to reassure him, "We'll be together again in the woods Gale, someday and somehow." He opens his eyes "I don't know when but if I can help it…" I trail off and he sits up.

He faces me and scoots closer until our knees are touching. "Katniss" he says gently and I look at him "Can i? Do you…." He fumbles with his words but I know what he wants to ask, he wants a kiss, and I know I should but I can't fight my curiosity anymore and I lean in closer to him.

"OK" I whisper and it is all the encouragement he needs as he places a hand gently on my check and leans in all the way until our lips touch. The kiss is short but I can feel my lips electrified and buzzing where his once were and I lick my lops, tasting him. "Wow…" I say but don't know how to continue.

"Thank you Katniss, I needed that, I needed to remember what that felt like." He stands and offers me his hand to help me up.

We walk back to the building and the car with Peeta is already waiting outside. My mind is spinning after the kiss and seeing Peeta makes me feel a lot of guilt. We say our goodbyes and I promise Gale we will see each other again. He leaves me with a final word, "I love you Katniss, remember I am here, anytime you need me, you know where you can find me." I smile and give him a short hug before turning around and walking back to the car, my arrow and sheath in hand.

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We are having dinner alone tonight and I know Peeta wants to ask me about my day but doesn't want to be intrusive. He is too good to me, much better than I deserve and I decide to tell him the truth, it's going to come up and I don't want to lie to him, I have hurt him too much in the past to continue hurting him now. My stomach twists and knots as I think of what his reaction will be, he may leave me over this and losing him would crush me.

"You're hardly eating anything at all" he scolds me lightly and I look at my plate when I have cut up and pushed around my meal. "Everything OK? You've been off since…" he doesn't say what he means but we both know, since I met with Gale. His eyes plead with me to tell him what happened but I know he is not going to ask himself, he wants to respect my privacy, but he is curious and I think he has the right to know.

"Seeing Gale again, it was so weird…" I begin, mentioning the elephant in the room for the first time.

"Oh yea?" he asks, his curiosity was peaked "What did you two end up doing?" he asks me and tries to keep his voice casual but I can see something behind his eyes that belies his worry.

"We…we went to the woods. We talked…we hunted…he brought my bow from 12 to me" I glance towards my bow in the corner "I didn't think I would ever see it again." I swallow and decide to just come out with it, no sense in delaying the inevitable. "We…we kissed…once." I stopped talking and glanced at Peeta, his face doesn't show any emotion.

"All that sounds nice…" my words catch up with him, "Wait…we kissed?" he is truly surprised. "Did… did it mean anything?" I can see the sadness and disappointment in his eyes

"I don't know…" I answer because it's true and I know I can't just tell him what he wants to hear.

"You don't know? How can you not know?" his voice raises slightly and I know he is trying to control his anger "Do you love him?" he asks me point blank standing up and coming around the table towards me.

"No… I don't think I do…maybe I could have, but the way things have gone I don't." it's true, in a past life we would have been in love and together but I don't have that life, the Games and the war took it away from all of us.

His voice is small and he looks so dejected "Why then?"

I stay quiet for a long time, asking myself the same question, "I just wanted to see what it would feel like now, with him, after everything."

"And?" he looks prepared to hear the worst.

"It was a kiss, but it wasn't like being with you."

He raises an eyebrow at me, "How do you mean?"

I take a deep breath in, it's difficult for me to talk about these things, my life was so much less complicated before love entered the picture and I have a pang of want for my younger life again, "Because its different with someone you love, with you I am safe and secure, I feel sparks, I dream of you….with him… it was a kiss…a reminder of what could have been but isn't. I don't wish I could be with him, but the things that led us to be together…" I don't know how to explain myself and I throw my hands up to my face, "I wish I were better with words…you deserve better." I put my hands down and look him in the eye, "I wish I could tell you what was in here, but the words… I don't have them." I point to my chest and I can feel tears forming in my eyes again.

"Katniss…do you love me?"

I nod "Yes I do…I do."

"Do you wish you were with Gale instead? Does even a small part of you wish that?" he takes my hands in his and looks at me intently.

I take my time to think about it, I search my soul "No Peeta, it's you… it's all you."

"What do you wish were different?"

"I…nothing I guess… I mean the war… but then without it we wouldn't be." I stammer.

He wraps his arms around me "There is nothing wrong with mourning your past life." He murmurs quietly in my hair and I realize he's captures my feelings perfectly.


	29. Chapter 29

The train ride to District 3 is longer than between 1 of 2 and we get a chance to relax after the whirlwind of interviews and appointments we had in 2. Peeta and I are spending our time in the TV room watching some news programming when one of the local gossip shows come on. I make a move the remote, but the first scene they show stops me cold and I stare at Peeta in stunned silence.

_The camera pans out to a street corner in 2 where a café sits across the street from a small book shop. Effie is standing in front of the café trying to look inconspicuous, she is wearing a hooded jacket, and the hood is pulled up, but even with her efforts it's easy to spot her._

_A voice starts recounting the tale "As you can see here we have Miss Trinket waiting for something outside of this little café in District 2 on Saturday afternoon. She is in the District with Miss Katniss Everdeen and Mr. Peeta Mellark, former Game Victors and Rebellion figure heads on a tour documenting the history of the various Districts. But today she is not with them…"_

_The voice-over ends and you can see a man walk out of the book store, he is wearing a dark coat and a hat which covers most of his face and he makes his way over to where Effie is standing. When he is near and Effie sees him her face brightens up and she lifts her arms to embrace him._

"Effie has a boyfriend!" Peeta exclaims "Who is that? Someone we know?"

"Looks familiar, but I can't see his face!" I stare at the TV to try and figure out what I am seeing

_The voice-over begins again as the man turns around and his face is mostly reviewed. "Well..who do we have here but Haymitch __Abernathy," the man pauses for dramatic effect, "It has been rumored that the two have been seen together in various places, but they seem to be keeping the relationship quiet, this is the first video evidence we've gotten to confirm that they do seem to be…quite intimate together." As he says this Haymitch slides his arm around Effie's middle and leads her into the café._

I turn to Peeta with wide eyes… "Effie…and Haymitch?" I am surprised and shocked. I look back at the screen but they have moved on to a different story. "Why didn't she tell us? This explains why she is around a lot less." On the Victory Tour she had been glued to our side, never letting us have a moment of peace but this time she has been much more relaxed, at times disappearing for a whole day.

"I know it!" Peeta is as surprised as I am, apparently he had no idea either and it makes me feel better, knowing that I was not the only one in the dark. "All this time she has been hiding it from us. But why? I don't understand…we wouldn't have cared if we knew. Hell I am happy the old man found a woman willing to put up with him, I am surprised that woman is Effie though…" he trails off but I know exactly what he means.

Haymitch is the exact opposite of Effie in almost every way. Where she is sharply dressed and well put together he is a slob that doesn't even make an effort to wear fresh clothes every day. She is kept to a schedule, a slave to her day planner but he can't be bothered to show up anywhere on time, preferring to sit around relaxing. She is so tightly wound and full of anxiety and he remains annoyingly calm even in situations where he should not be. What would she see in him? She seemed disgusted by him every time I have seen them together.

At this point Effie walks into the room, she glances at the program on TV and back at the two of us, "I guess you saw didn't you?" he voice is quiet and she sounds very embarrassed. She can tell from the looks on faces that we saw but we nod in the affirmative anyhow. "Well…I didn't want you to find out like this…" she trails off, at a loss for words. "I should have told you before…it's just that I wanted to be sure, you know?"

Effie has always seemed so cool and collected, it's almost comical to see her, flustered and so unsure. "What do you mean Effie?" Peeta asks.

Effie takes in a deep breath and slowly lets it out, "Well for one thing I didn't know if this relationship would last. Another issue was not wanting you two to react poorly, he was afterall your mentor."

Peeta looks amused and asks the question that I am thinking, "Why would we be upset?" he sounds genuinely unsure and his expression is puzzled.

"Well I know what you think of Capital people. I may be different because you've known me for longer, but its obvious that Capital citizens are still somewhat distasteful to you. I know that you think we're spoiled rotten, have no empathy, and whatever else. I didn't think you'd react well to one of your own, Haymitch, taking up with someone like me." She looks down almost ashamed and embarrassed.

I suddenly feel terrible, because she is right about my opinion of the Capital and its citizens. When I had first met Effie, on the train ride to the Capital I had grouped her in with the rest of them, but as time went on I could see there was something inside of her, a personality and empathy that many Capital citizens were missing.

"Effie…I am not the least bit upset about you two, if anything I think that is just was Haymitch needed. I admit I do think some of the things you said about the Capital folks, but…you're different." I say but I don't sound convincing, I try to go "You have some compassion, you cared about the tributes, we weren't just an amusement to you." I am not sure if this is true or not, as I remember she had been strict and brusque with us and often annoyed at our lack of manners and uncouth behavior, but it seemed to work.

"Really Katniss?" she looked at me "Its not nice to be lumped in with the rest of them." She smiles and smoothes her skirt "Well now that you two know I guess I don't have to sneak around anymore." She laughs lightly "But I can see you're surprised!"

"Well… you're so proper and he…not at all" Peeta laughs "Maybe you'll straighten him out a bit?"

"Unlikely… but I can try" she grins

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As we arrive in 3 we are told that we would be staying with Beetee, I haven't seen him since I left on our last mission from 13 and I can't help but think of the bomb and how it was as much his doing as it was Gale. I force the thought out of my mind, if I can forgive Gale and move on I have to do the same for Beetee but I am on edge when we first arrive to the train station. Effie leads us over to Beetee who is looking around the station for us, when he sees us he breaks into a broad smile.

"Katniss! Peeta! It has been so long…too long! You'll be staying with me this week…so if you could, just follow me." He leads us to his car, Effie stays behind and promises we will see her tomorrow.

As we drive down the roads of the District I am surprised by how much destruction remains, the district is in bad shape, with many of the houses demolished, whole streets are covered in black tar. Peeta stares out the window and quietly takes me hand, we were not prepared for the destruction we say. Many of the homes are being rebuilt, but for ever house that is started there are another 3 still in rubbles, not yet started or cleared.

Beetee takes us over to a small area with large untouched houses, "This is our Victor's Village" he says but he doesn't stop at any of the homes, "I don't live in there anymore, I don't trust the houses, they were bugged I know that and without disassembling it completely I worry about some of them remaining." It makes sense…the Capital was always able to know what was happening in our lives, and now I knew why…they had been watching and listening to us all along. I shoot Peeta a worried look and he nods, making the same connection.

Beetee continues down the road to an area where there is a lot of construction going on, many of the houses already finishes and he drives up to a modest one story home and gestures to the door, "Here we are! Let's get you inside, my home is your home!."

Peeta and I open the doors to the car and walk up the few stairs that lead to his door. When we walk into his living room I am taken aback by what I see, hundreds of blinking lights from dozens of pieces of computer equipment. He notices my surprise and chuckles, "I tend to take my work home with me". He shows us to the guest room and leaves us to freshen up.

"Did you see how it looked out there?" I ask Peeta as soon as the door is closed Beetee..

"The damage?" he asks and I nod "I don't know…its much worse than in 1 or 2 though…and all that black stuff…" he goes silent but I can tell he's thinking. "Maybe Beetee will tell us about it?"

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It's clear that Beetee has been living the life of a bachelor since coming home from 13, there is little food in the cupboards and he gets food delivered for us to have for dinner. He is embarrassed to begin with but I brush it off, food is food to me and I don't care who made it. We sit around the table eating in silence for a few minutes before anyone talks.

"So how have your travels been so far?" he asks, making small talk.

"Well it seems to be going well, we've met so many people but I can see there is a long road to go, this is only our third District and already and I am feeling travel overload." Peeta laughs a bit but it's the first I've heard of it, or him finding the travel to be a lot.

"Yes, yes that can be hard. I haven't been anywhere but here since I've returned, can't say I envy you there." He pushes his glasses up his nose and smiles.

"So what is it that you're doing here now?" Peeta asks, I let the boys converse amongst themselves as I continue eating and just listen.

"Ah it's very interesting you see. I am not sure how it was in 12 but in general a lot of the Districts had some issues with their power supply, not having enough of it, not being able to keep the lights on all of the time and so forth." He looks at Peeta expectantly.

"Oh the power, it came and it went, not everyone had electricity in 12." Peeta answers and I nod, my home in the Seam never had power.

"Well, what we are working on here is a national power grid. Basically we will wire together all of the power generating plants in the various districts, and add many more plants, we pool the power produced and split it up amongst the Districts so that everyone has enough power for all homes to have electricity and how the lights to work all of the time." He finishes, getting more and more excited as he talks.

"How did they work the power beforehand?" I ask, speaking for the first time since we had sat down to dinner.

Beetee frowns, "Well…it was must different. The Capital had it set up such that they received all the power, anything unused by them went to 1 first to make sure they were well supplied and anything else left over was given to the other Districts. District 2 has always had its own separate generators and production plant because of the Nut, it needed to have power all of the time." He shakes his head in disapproval.

"So…like everything else…they got all they could use and the rest of us were left with the scarps?" I can feel the anger towards the Capital bubble up inside me, there were so many things they did that I didn't even know to hate them for that I was finding out.

"Yes exactly…and the wiring is just a mess, we're having to redo the entire thing, its going to take some time… a year or two maybe…but once it is done it should be sustainable for a long time going forward. If the power needs go up it will be easy to add a new production site to the grid. The way they had the system set up before no new plants could be added."

"Well, they had all they wanted, why would they need to add more?" my voice is bitter and both Beetee and Peeta look at me in surprise. I shrug but inside I know I am angrier than I should be.

Peeta speaks next, "Well that sounds like very interesting work, and the rest of Panem will certainly thank you for this. I've got to ask though, when we were driving here we noticed all the damage and all the black stuff on the group around it. The damage here is much worse than in 1 or 2….we wondered why."

"Ah you noticed the soot I see." Beetee nods and continues, "Actually word is that 3 did not get the worse of the bombings, the problem is that this district produced a lot of electronics and explosives. When the bombs hit things exploded far worse than they normally would because of our store explosives and the combustible components of many of our electronics. So even a small explosion would trigger one much bigger here. That black stuff is the byproducts of the explosions caused by those components."

"Oh…. I think I understand. I see little rebuilding in some areas, is there a reason why?"

"Basically this is a large District so the plan was to start the rebuilding with the least affected areas, like this one here, to have homes immediately available for anyone who stayed or came back. Once that is done then the major clean up of the most affected areas will begin. But for now we have enough to get by, enough to everyone who wants to live here to have a roof over their heads, and that is good enough for now, but we're not going to stop rebuilding." He answers.

Peeta is nodding, "Well that makes sense… take care of everyone whose here now, then make room to grow."

Beetee smiles, "Yes, precisely!" he turns his eyes downward "the population is so small now compared to what it used to be however, it's quite sad. I don't know if it is because people have decided not to come back or because there is no one else to come back… but I know we've lost a lot of talented people."

I am thinking of the Quell and Wiress, I haven't thought of her in months but Beetee's words brought her up in my mind. "What about Wiress….did she have any family that's left or anything?"

Beetee bites his lower lip, "That might be a long story…maybe we should finish up here and move to the living room?" he says meekly and the look on his face tells me the story won't be a happy one.

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I sit next to Peeta on an overstuffed couch and Beetee is across from us in an armchair. He gestures for us to wait a moment as he runs down the hall and comes back with a scrapbook. He puts the book down on the coffee table in front of us and begins.

"Well, Wiress wasn't always the way she was when you met her…you know a little hard to understand…" he looks at us until we nod and then continues. "Have you ever seen the Games that she won?"

"I don't think so." Peeta pips

"Well she figured out the arena and managed to exploit it in order to avoid death and she ended up winning. She came back here and everything seemed to be going fine. Well as fine as it could be, when you've been through what we've been through."

"The Capital… what did they do to her after she won?" Peeta asks.

"The usual for reasonably attractive victors. She would be sent to the Capital and bought, but something went wrong almost right away." He shakes his head sadly.

"Well the whole thing is wrong!" I can't help myself from saying.

"Yes well… she fell pregnant by one of the Capital men. It has not happened before and they didn't know what to do. The man has a wife and his own family, he couldn't take on her and their child and they didn't want anyone to find out about their arrangement with Victors so they banished her back to 3 to have the child and raise it alone. They threatened the child's life and that of her family's if she breathed a word about how she became pregnant."

"So…what did she tell people?" Peeta asks curiously.

"What could she say? People assumed she was some slut who slept around and got herself knocked up." I see a spark of anger in his eyes as he takes a deep breath to calm himself. "So she stayed here in her big Victors house and had the baby, she was 17, it was an embarrassment to her family. They barely spoke to her, and she spent years locked up in that house alone with her baby."

"That's so sad…didn't her family help at all?" I ask

He shook his head, "No, they had basically cut her off, lived a separate life from her for over a decade."

"How could they do that? Didn't she tell them what happened?" I press on.

"No…she couldn't…none of us could…letting the Capital's secret out would mean certain death for our loved ones." He explains as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

"Oh Wiress…" I say sadly, feeling sad for her woman.

"Well, when her son was about 8 or so she met a nice man and he didn't care that she had a child already and they dated and eventually married. Together they had another 2 children." He opens the book he brought in and shows us some pictures.

"This is her after she came home from her Victory Tour." He points to a picture of a very young Wiress, dressed in a plain black sheath dress waving to a crowd. Her eyes are sparkling and her smile looks genuine.

He flips a few pages to another photo, "Here she is right before she had her first child." Her belly is large and swollen and she has a hand placed over it, she's my age in the photo and I can't help but imagine myself in that situation and it makes me shudder. Her eyes are sad and she isn't smiling.

He flips to the next page, "And here he is." A tiny baby is featured in the photo and as he flips through the next few pictures there are some of her holding him and him crawling and playing. He is a beautiful baby, and she looks proud when she holds him.

"She loved him so much, anyone could tell, but her parents…they didn't meet him for the longest time because of how they assumed he was conceived. " he flips past a few more pages and points to another photo, "Here she is on her wedding day."

She is smiling with her new husband, her child is next to them wearing a small suit and grinning.

He flips towards the end of the book, "And here they are before she went into the arena again, they had this taken just in case…" he doesn't finish the thought but I know what he means. In this last picture the entire family, Wiress, her husband and three children are together. She is holding the toddler on her hip and the two older boys sit in front of the parents. They wear smiles but they look hollow and empty.

"How did she take the reaping for the Quell?" Peeta asks.

"Well…you know how she was when you met her? Barely able to be understood and well…. Emotionally unstable? She wasn't like that before. We'd been friends since I won my Games a few years after her and she was always so articulate but after the announcement, she knew she was going back, she was the only living female Victor in this District. She just couldn't bare it…leaving her husband and her three children. It broke her heart and it drove her into a depression she never recovered from." Beetee got a bit teary at this point, something I never thought I would see.

Peeta is nodding, "I can't believe they took a mother from her children…" he drifted off because we could all believe the cruelty of the Capital.

"I know…I thought surely they could not send any of us back into the arena, once was enough….but…" he turned his gaze to me and stopped his train of though. 'Let's just say I don't believe those directions were on that card written when the Games were first started."

I catch on right away, "It was us" I gesture to myself and Peeta. "They wanted to take revenge on us getting around the system, we both won and there should only have been one winner. They wanted us back in there, to kill one or both of us, like it should have happened originally." I state with no emotion in my voice, this is what I had always thought.

"I don't blame you too…but yes that is what I think as well, and what she thought. The idea of sending the two of you back in less than a year after you'd been out seemed particularly cruel, but that's the Capital for you…they did whatever they wanted however they wanted."

He closed the book and rests back into his chair. "Well…. It's getting late and I am sure you have a full day tomorrow."

Peeta glances at a clock in the corner of the room and nods, "Agreed….Thank you for all of that. I never knew much about her, but she was a good ally, she helped us so much. I wish she was here with us now." He finishes sadly.

"What happened to her family Beetee?" I ask suddenly, hoping his answer wouldn't be what I assumed.

"Katniss… I didn't want to upset you but after we broke out of the arena they, well they were rounded up and killed. I'm sorry, but sadly they're gone." He frowns and shifts uncomfortably.

I look down at my hands, glad that I know but sad that it had to be that way, "Even the children….by now I shouldn't be surprised at the awful things the Capital did…but I still…"

"I think that means you have at least a shred of humanity left Katniss." Beetee says and Peeta nods, placing his hand over mine.


	30. Chapter 30

**Yes I agree this is getting a bit boring…I need a twist or I need to end this I think. I hope you enjoy reading it anyhow **

It's impossible to sleep that night, the story that Beetee told us runs through my head constantly. I picture the woman's children in my mind, screaming in horror as the Capitol murders kills them, their father forced to watch. There is only one thing about the situation that comforts me, Wiress didn't know about it, she died in the arena, and it was horrible, but at least she didn't need to watch her children and husband die, she didn't need to find out about it.

Peeta lays in the bed next to me breathing evenly and I know he's asleep, I close my eyes and try to use his even breathing to lull me to sleep. This usually works but tonight I am lying awake for hours. I push Wiress out of mind and try to focus on something else; I decide to do what I once did to help me regain my sanity. I breathe in and out slowly and tell myself,

My name is Katniss Everdeen, I was sent to the 74th Hunger Games and I survived. I was sent to the Quarter Quell and was broken out of the Arena by a group of Rebels. I went with the Star Squad to the Capitol and I fought in the last battle of the war. I watched my sister die in front of me. I am with Peeta at this moment in District 3, we're on a tour to learn the history of Panem….

This exercise has a calming effect on me and I drift off to sleep, still reciting the things I know to be factually true to myself.

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Peeta and I find ourselves in tightly secured factory type building, walking with an older gentleman to his office. This is the place where the Capitol had all of their bugs manufactured and we are here to talk about that. I have a feeling I am really not going to like what I hear, but I must have known that the Capitol was spying on all of us in some way.

"Right over here please." He say, as he points to a couch across from a large armchair. "Name is Andrew…glad to meet the both of you."

"My name is…" Peeta begins but Andrew waves him off.

"Oh I know your names, you're celebrities." He chuckles as I shift around uncomfortably, I would rather not be so well known, but nothing can be done about it now.

"Ok then…thank you for seeing us, we've heard from things about the Capitol surveillance, but most of those things are probably rumors, it will be so interesting to know what was really going on." Peeta smiles pleasantly, but I chew on my lower lip, nerves beginning to act up.

"Oh yes!" Andrew's eyes sparkle as he grins widely "This place" he waves his hands around, "Here we used to produce all the mics, cameras, and all the wiring for all of the surveillance the Capitol conducted over all Districts. This place was a big secret, everyone who worked here was searched on their way home and sworn to silence. Failing to keep the secret would leave to severe punishment. More than a few Avoxs came from this place."{

"So… people from the District worked here? I would have thought they would want their own folks in here." I broke in, curiosity overcoming my nerves.

"Oh yes, I am sure they would have preferred to bring in their own people but they didn't have anyone qualified in electronics like we do here. They lived a soft life in the Capitol, no need for them to learn about mechanics and circuits, this district engineered and built everything they ever used. So, they had to make do with us."

I nod to understanding and stay quite so he will continue

"I worked here for over 30 years, in that time the amount of equipment in use to watch the Districts grew greater and greater." He says and pauses to look at us, unsure of how to continue.

"Really? What it start out like?" Peeta asks him, prompting him to continue with a question.

"Well when I first came here they have far fewer cameras installed. There were cameras in the town square and on the busier streets but that was about it. Microphones were installed in the Town Halls so that they could monitor what was going on in the workings of the Districts." Andrew answered and looked back up at Peeta.

"Well that doesn't sound so bad I guess….When did things change?" I asked, wondering how bad the situation had gotten.

"Well… really it was Snow, when he came into power he wanted much more control, he wanted to know what people were doing and saying. He wanted to know what was happening everywhere. He tasked us with developing new technologies so our cameras were crisper, microphones clearer and the speed at which all this information was transmitted to the Capitol faster." He shakes his head sadly,

"Towards the end we put cameras everywhere, especially in the Victor's house. Snow wanted to know exactly what was going on with each Victor and every room was covered in cameras and mikes." His voice turns quieter. "After you two returned home from the Games they also set some bugs up in the woods as well…" he drifted off and my eyes opened wide.

Spying on me in the woods? That must be how Snow knew about the kiss Gale and I had shared, but why didn't he ever use it to bust us for poaching. Then I remember…Gale was busted…the local Peacekeeper's must have been tipped off from the Capitol. The horror on my face must be plain because Peeta looks over at me and raises a brown.

I shake my head to clear my thoughts, "In the woods even…I thought that was the only place I was truly safe and free from the Capitol but I guess not. Nothing was sacred to them I suppose." Then a disgusting thought hits me, "You said every room in the Victor's Houses…do you mean even the bathrooms?" I make a face.

"Sorry Miss Everdeen but yes, the bathrooms, all the bedrooms, stairs, kitchens, and everything else. They also set up a few cameras on each street, watching the houses and the goings on." He tells me regretfully.

"That is….horrible." I don't have any other words for it and beside me Peeta laughs a little. "What's so funny?"

He stops himself and takes a moment to compose his face again, "Its just that….after all we've learned and all we've experienced from the Capitol…that you're so grossed about by this, almost surprised that they would do that." He places a hand on my forearm "Well…its one of the things I love about you…you still have some part of you left to be shocked and appalled, you've seen so much but still…" he stops talking and leans over to kiss me quickly on the cheek.

I turn red, eyeing the man in front of us who just smiles as he sits there. I clear my throat, "So um… anyhow…What is the plan for all these bugs? Are they going to be left there or removed, can anyone still watch them?." I wonder if there are tapes hidden somewhere that the Capitol has kept.

"Ah yes, it's a problem and we're not sure what the solution is. We want to remove them, but some of them have been built right into the houses. While we have a record of where all of them are, not all of them can be so easily removed." He scratches his head thinking it over "We plan to send a team with the maps of all the surveillance equipment and have them remove them, but for now this place is still covered in the bugs."

"All transmissions went to the Capitol but for now the transmission frequency has been changed so no more images are captured and there is no one watching or recording the information. So, that is one problem down, but we'd really like to get them removed for the peace of mind of everyone. We never want to go back to a time where we are watching citizens like this."

"Well that's a relief at least." I exhale a breath I hadn't even known I was holding.

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Beetee drops us off at the train station, we've only seen Effie a handful of times since we've gotten here and when we reach the station I know why. Standing with Effie, deep in conversation is our old mentor, Haymitch. He had a look on his face that I am not used to, it's gentle and caring, not gruff and annoyed like usual. From the way he is standing he doesn't even look drunk. Peeta and I stand to the side watching them.

"Look at him, she really brings out the best in him" Peeta says with a smile and then looks back at me. "Like you, you have always brought out the best in me." He gives me a meaningful look and takes me hand to walk me closer to the doors of the train.

Our motion catches Effie's eye and she looks over to us, stepping next to Haymitch. "Well hello you too." She chirps, clearly in a good mood. "I thought, sine everything is out in the open now I might as well have Haymitch join us for the trip, at least in some parts." She blushes and looks towards Haymitch.

"So you're going to need to deal with me again sweetheart" he winks at me and sticks his hand out for Peeta to shake, "Ah and you breadboy, it's been too long." He chuckles as Peeta shakes his hand with a grin.

"Yes well, we'd better get moving if we want to get you two to District Four on time." Effie has her schedule book open and is frowning at her watch.

"Ready?" Peeta asks me and I nod, taking his outstretched hand and following him unto the train.

As the train pulls away we gather in the dining car, ready for a late lunch. Peeta and I sit on one side of the table and Haymitch and Effie on the other. It's starting to feel like the train ride to the Games and the feeling unnerves me. I try to shake off the déjà vu but I can feel panic rising in my stomach and I clutch Peeta's hand for comfort.

"So… not drinking anymore I see" Peeta starts, we've not often seen the look on Haymitch's face without any alcohol to dull his eyes.

"Well." He looks over at Effie and cringes slightly. "I don't know that I'd say that." He chuckles

"We have a deal!" Effie breaks in "He can drink at night, but during the day…I…want him totally with me." He finishes the last part in a hurry and doesn't say anything more.

"Right…so we can spend the day talking and touring and…." He winks and doesn't finish his sentence, Effie turns a deep purple in the seat next to him and I can't help but smile, seeing Effie flustered is always a nice treat.

"Oh really?" Peeta says "and when did…did this start?" Peeta presses further.

Haymitch looks at us, "Well, I've always had a thing for this pretty lady." He squeezes her waist and elicits a smile from her finally "But after the Rebellion we ran into each other again and realized that we should give things a try." He looks over at Effie "Surprised?"

"Well yes!" I blurt out "I mean… I thought…well… you're so different….She's so organized, well spoken and polite and you…." I stop myself, not knowing a way to finish the sentence in a way that isn't insulting,

"I am such a nasty old drug?" he offers this as a suggestion and laughs.

I can feel my cheeks getting hot, "Well… I was going to say angry old cuss…but that works too." I roll my eyes and cross my arms in front of my chest.

"Haven't changed a bit have you? I see the fire is still going strong…" he reaches across the table and pinches my cheer. I growl in response and Peeta puts a hand on my leg to stop me from slapping his hand away.

"Hey!" I give him a dirty look before going back to my plate of food.

"Aw what's the matter Sweetheart? Old Haymitch can't tease you a little?" he grins at my displeased expression.

"Come on…let's leave her alone." Effie breaks in, hoping to prevent a fight.

With that we all returned to our meals. We ate in silence but I can't help but notice slip a hand under the table and take Effie's hand in his. I never knew him to be so sweet and I smile, wonder if this means that my heart can someday melt as well, if his has I might have some hope.

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"Haymitch has turned soft hasn't he?" I say to Peeta as we sit on the couch watching television before bed. It's the first time we've gotten to be alone all day and I sit close to him and lean my head against his shoulder.

"I know!" he agrees and wraps an arm around my waist pulling me closer "Who would have known that they would ever end up together? I thought she hated him…remember the day of the first reaping?" he laughed

My mind went back to that day, and even then he did seem to want to grab a hold of her, she on the other hand was horrified. "Actually this whole thing…the train and the two of them reminds me back to the days of the Games, and not in a good way at all." I shiver slightly and this gets Peeta's attention.

"I can see that…but it's not like that now, it's nothing like the Victory Tour." He tries to comfort me by running his fingers up and down my bicep.

"Well… it's a little like it…We are responsible for the deaths of the people in the Districts, just like we only got to be Victors because of the death of the tributes from the other Districts." I state, feeling the panic rise up in me again.

"Oh that is a reach Katniss." Peeta's words are slightly louder than the volume at which we've been talking and he states them forcefully. "It's not your fault, and it's not mine… I don't even know how to divide up the blame for everything that's happened, but most of it is right on the Capitol's head."

I nod "I know…but sometimes…." I don't want to continue the thought, I know it will upset Peeta and I don't want to go down that road. "I just…after this tour…then what? Will we ever have a home again?"

He looks surprised, "Where did that come from?" he looks at me biting his lip.

"I don't know…all this traveling, and before then the war and the games, it's been so long since I've had a place to call home…I miss things from before." I put my head back on his shoulder and place a hand on his chest, and I can hear his steady and calm heart beat.

"That's fair…." He stays silent for a long moment before continuing "Well…no one is going to force you to continue this, and I will go wherever you do." He says in a reassuring tone.

I smile "Thank you Peeta" is all I say before snuggle closer into him.

He kisses the top of my head softly "Home for me is going to be wherever you are Katniss, as long as I can be with you I don't care if it's in a cardboard box." He kisses my forehead and I look up at him.

Peeta knows what to say to make me feel better and I tilt my head up so that my mouth can meet his and he kisses my lips. I feel like my body is melting as I return the gestures and place a hand on his cheek, I kiss him forcefully and before long we're doing battle with our tongues. I can feel Peeta moan slightly under me and I wiggle myself free so that I can put a leg on either side of his legs and face him.

Peeta and I have only gone so far romantically, mostly because we're inexperienced but a lot of the reason is the uncertainty of our actual relationship but in this moment I feel quite certain. I don't move my mouth from his as I slip my hands under his shirt and trace the muscles on his stomach and chest. I can feel the scars from the Quell, his imprisonment and the war and I am so happy that the Capitol has not erased them. I slowly push his shirt up so that he is forced to lean back and lift his arms.

"Katniss?" he asks inquisitively but doesn't protest when I remove his shirt.

I pull back and look at him, I see him shirtless often but tonight is different and I gently trace his largest scar with my index finger, "Is this one from the Quell?" I ask him softly

He looks amused but shakes his head, "No…this is from the Capitol, when they first captured me they implanted this device that would electrocute me slightly."

"Oh…." I move my hand lower and trace the burns and scars for a few minutes before speaking again, "All of these tell a story…but I don't know them all…" I say sadly, I want to know them all. "I want to know everything." I tell him without really knowing what everything means.

"About these?" he waves his hands over his exposed chest and stomach and looks so utterly confused I can't help but lean in for another kiss.

After I finally pull back from I shake my head, "No… not just those…but everything…I want to…." Finally I realize what I want, I need to be physically closer to him. "I what to know all of you." I run my hands down him chest to his belt line and give it a tug. I lean closer into him until out lips are touching and I whisper "Every inch…. In everyway."


	31. Chapter 31

**I felt a little inspired but didn't want to make the last chapter a million words long, I am wordy enough as it is I think I might have to raise the rating of this piece to M eventually…dare I try and write my first lemon?**

"What?" Peeta pulls back from me in shock but his arms are wrapped around my waist and I know he isn't really upset.

I reach a hand out to his check wishing I could show him what I meant instead of having to use my words but I knew this would never do. "I…want…I need to be close to you…I just…." I stutter not knowing how to put into words what I am feeling inside. There is a warmness that has started in my and I want to feel his flesh against mine. Our clothes suddenly seem to be in the way and totally unnecessary.

"Katniss….are you saying…. You want… _that_." He emphasizes the last word and finally we are thinking of the same thing.

I shrug and look down, embarrassed by the discussion. "Maybe…." I smile as I look up at him "I just want to be close to you…"

A mischievous grin forms on his face and he runs both hands up and down my hand and it feels like little bolts of electricity is hitting me everywhere he touches me. "Closer than this?" he looks at the way I am sitting on him.

"Yes" I whisper "I am not sure anything is going to be close enough." I smile slightly and press my clothes chest against his bare chest and sigh with happiness. "Mmmm, really not sure what is going to do." Being so forward is embarrassing me but I know how much of a gentleman he is and if I waited for him we'd be elderly before going any further.

"Well… I may be able to help you" he grins and tugs at the lower edges of my shirt. "Though this seems pretty unfair…you're so overdressed." He laughs as he traces the bottom of my shirt with his fingertips.

"What are you going to do about?" I ask but really I can't wait to see what is going to come next, my heart is pounding.

"Oh I don't know…" he teases with a playful smirk on his face. He continues to inch his hands under my shirt and pulls me close to him. "We're going to have to do something" he whispers as he kisses my mouth softly before moving on to my cheese and jaw bone. He gives me small kisses down and back up my neck as he takes an earlobe partially into his mouth and sucks and nibbles it.

The sensation is so new and overpowering that I let out an involuntarily moan "mmmm" I close my eyes and traces the hair line on his stomach as far down as his pants will allow me and he bucks slightly against my touch. He switches sides and nibbles on my other ear and the sensation is just as amazing and I pull myself closer to him. I can feel myself literally melt against him, the warmness in my stomach growing greater and greater.

I hardly notice when Peeta begins to lift my shirt, it isn't until my bra is exposed that I pull away, grin at him and lift my arms allowing him to lift it off of me. I take the opportunity to press my mostly bare chest against him and feel his warm and soft skin on mine. "Mmmm" I moan lightly again as he traces the back of my bra, teasing me by occasionally lifting the strap with a finger. "Katniss, we can stop whenever, OK, just let me know…." He breathes into my neck, still concerned for me

I giggle, him stopping is the last thing I want and I move my hips closer to him. He seems to take this in spirit it was meant and continues to kiss down my neck until he gets to my collar bones. Apparently I have another sensitive spot there and he lingers at the indentation between my collar bone and shoulder for a moment before dipping lower. While he is using his mouth to elicit soft moans from me I begin to fiddle with his belt and I feel that he is as excited as I am.

I throw my head back and keep my eyes close as he uses both of his hands to cup my breasts. I let out a gasp as the new and unfamiliar sensation, it feels weird to have someone touching me like this but it also feels so good and I lose myself in him. He takes a finger traces around my right nipple and I can't hold back my moaning. I can tell he is enjoying this as I can hear his breath heavy near my ear.

"OH MY GOD" I am jolted out of the moment by the sound of Effies voice. I snap my head up and press myself against Peeta's chest and I turn in the direction of the scream. There she is, Effie standing just inside the door to the room, hands on her hips and eyes wide open.

Effie surveys the scene and I become conscious of how the situation looks, Peeta and I are sitting here together shirtless, with me straddling him in only a bra. My cheeks turn bright red as Peeta scrambles to find our shirts.

"What do you two think you're doing here?" it's hard to tell whether she is angry or just shocked but she doesn't give us a chance to answer before continuing. "Never mind…you don't need to tell me….it's obvious what was going to happen here…I just…I can't believe what I am seeing. You are too young…you're not even in your own rooms…this…is…." Her mind is going faster than the words will come out of her mouth.

Peeta hands me my shirt and I sheepishly put it back on after turning it right sound out and look back at Effie indignantly. "So… what's the problem?" I slide off of Peeta lap and cross my arms in front of my chest, not happy at the interruption.

"I just didn't think that THIS was happening between you do…" she straightens the hem of her dress while formulating her next words "I think that we need to have a talk Katniss" he turns her head towards Peeta "And you…out of here and into the kitchen with me, I am going to have Haymitch talk to you!"

The look of shock and surprise must show on both of our faces as she grabs Peeta by the elbow and begins to drag him out of the room.

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**Peeta's POV**

Sitting here waiting for Haymitch I think about what went wrong. Clearly our first failing was not going to our compartment and locking the door, but Effie never comes to that television room to watch with us, that has always been a time that Katniss and I are along. I curse myself; if I had been more careful then we could have finished what Katniss started. I am not sure how I let my mind slip away like that but I know it won't happen again.

While I wish we could have continued I have to wonder whether it was really such a good idea. What could have gotten into Katniss? She seemed perfectly content with light kissing and cuddling, why the sudden push for something more intimate? Myself, I had hoped that our first time would be after we were engaged or even married, but I am not sure how far off that time is. Really I will do whatever she wants, I can't say no to her, she had such a power over me.

Lost in my thoughts I started when Haymitch bursts into the room. He has a bottle of wine in his hand and it is half gone, from the looks of him it might not be the first one he's opened. "Well Well" he smirks "I hear you and Katniss were getting a little friendly over in the south television room?"

I can feel the warmth in my cheeks, "Um… yes." I don't know what else to say, there's no use in denying anything and I wouldn't want to anyhow.

He sits on a chair across from me and asks bluntly, "Have you two been having sex?"

I shake my head, "No…we've never…." I am surprised by him just right out asking me like that.

"Why are you so embarrassed?" he demands to know

"I um…well…." I don't know what to say and get chuckles at my discomfort.

"Well…if you can't even hear the words should you be doing it?" he glares at me.

I feel annoyed that he is trying to act like my father and answer sarcastically, "Um yes…"

His chuckle turns into a laugh, "Well leave it to a guy to say that!." He grows a little more serious. "Now what do you know about sex and about avoiding pregnancy?"

I think for a moment and my knowledge of sex revolves around rumors whispered in the locker room and stories I have heard from other people so I just shrug.

"Did you father ever talk to you about it?"

I shake my head and look down sadly. "At the age my dad would have been talking to me about it I was trying to survive in the games, after I came home I guess he didn't really feel it was necessary."

"Oh for fucks sake!" Haymitch cursing, obviously not wanting to have this conversation either.

"You don't have to do this…"

"No….No….someone needs to tell you these things…if not me then who?" he asks and I shrug again.

What follows is a play by play of what should be done doing the act, things I had not imagined. As he gets drunker the conversation turns more and more detailed and vulgar, I am really wishing that Effie had never walked in on us tonight.

"Got all that?" he asks me when he is done recounting the deed in much detail and with many variations and I nod numbly.

"Haymitch, no offense but no more details please….that was a lot…and I can't even imagine how you would know those things." I shutter trying not to imagine him with his clothes off on top of Effie but failing miserable as the mental image feels burned into my mind.

"Most important thing! How could I forget? What are you using for protection?" he makes eye contact with me and waits for an answer turning serious.

"I…um…. protection?" I stammer…I've heard of protection from diseases but I don'tworry about that with Katniss so I am not sure what he is talking about.

"Babies…do you want a baby right now?" he asks and I shake my head again.

"Yes…. Um no…. no not right now, it's a bad time…but maybe someday, I hope, if she agrees to it…" I sigh and think of Katniss' stance on kids, she never wanted any, but that was before the end of the Games and I hope things could be different now.

"OK well I hope not right now…but if you put that" he points to my crotch "and her you know what together you will eventually have a baby if you don't do something about it."

I don't know why he needs to be so graphic but he spends the next 15 minutes recounting the various ways we could go about preventing a baby and I try to listen to him.

He takes a long swig out of his wine bottle and finishes the last of it and shakes his head, "Didn't think I'd ever have to have this conversation with anyone…you know I have no kids but I suppose you're the closest thing to a song I have." His words are beginning to slur and I am hopeful that the end of this awkward talk is coming. "If I had a son and he was like you I guess it would be OK."

I smile, "Was that a compliment?"

"Yea…maybe, but I will tell you this…you'd better not hurt her." He says with all the seriousness he can muster.

"Oh course not!" I say hurriedly.

"Yea I know…its not you who I really worry about hurting her…it's that girl, she loves you alright, but she doesn't always think things through, you know?" I nod in response and wait for him to say something further. "Well… I think that's it. So… to recap…if you're going to have sex place a protective patch on yourself and please don't do it something I or especially Effie can see you!"

He hoists himself up and leaves the room, I wait a few minutes and follow behind him.

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**Katniss POV**

By the time Effie makes it back to the room I have composed myself and I do not look forward to whatever she plans to say. I wasn't thinking things through to attack Peeta like that here in this semi public room and now I was paying the price. I am not sure what came over me to begin with, we were watching TV and snuggling and suddenly I wanted to have more, more of him. Next time, I am going to drag him back to the room.

Effie stalks into the room and glares at me, "What were thinking putting on that show here…where anyone could just come right in?"

I hang my head because I know she's right and mumble, "Sorry Effie."

She doesn't seem satisfied and paces around the room, "Tell me honestly…are you two….erhmm intimate together?"

"Effie!" I am surprised by the question, she doesn't general delve into such matter.

"Well…I'm not sure your mother ever talked to you about these this, and you stopped going to school so early because of the Games…I just want to make sure you know some things." She says softly.

I can tell now she is coming from a place of concern rather than nosiness, "No we've never been close before really…what you saw…it was the furthest…." I didn't need to continue she seemed to understand.

"Remember….you can only have a first time one…you'll remember it always…." She says quietly and I look up at her finally.

"I know you two love each other, but do you really want it to be like this? On a couch in a train with 2 old foggies a few compartments over?" her lips curl into a smile and I relax a bit.

"I don't know…what else am I waiting for?" I ask her

"Marriage, engagement, some commitment…." She suggests.

"I don't know if we'll ever be married….he told me he'd ask when he knew I was really ready and he hasn't yet so… "I stop myself, why would I want to share all this with Effie?

"Well just think about it and remember often times sex can mean a baby, so if you don't want that do you know what to do to prevent it?"

I shake my head, my face flaming hot at her mention of sex.

"Well… there are lots of options…" she goes into my choices and the variety is astounding.

"I am sure he is going to ask you Katniss, and he will ask you soon. He just wants to be sure…you know."

I raise a brow, "Sure about me?" I say in surprise, it may be egotistical of me but I never doubt his love of me, he does a good job making me feel secure.

Effie shakes her head, "No…not of his love for you…but of you and your feelings for him. In the past I know he's worried about Gale and….well… a man doesn't want to ask if he's not sure that he will get a yes."

"Oh…" I can't argue with that.

"Do you think he is certain that your answer will be yes?"

I shrug my shoulders but I worry the answer is no. Effie thankfully takes me silence as the end of the conversation.

"OK… good night then, and please no more shows like this…I am not getting any younger and my heart can't take it." I am thankful for her lightening the mood again.

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As I make my way back to my room I wonder how Peeta's chat with Haymitch went and I am happy to see that he is already there when I walk in the door. He is sitting on the bed with some sort of catalog in front of him and he hears me come in he clears it off of the bed and hold his arms out to me for a hug. I lean down and hug him, instantly wishing we'd never been interrupted.

"So how did that go?" he asks me with a smile.

"Oh as good as getting the sex talk from Effie can go" I chuckle "and you?"

"Haymitch is…graphic and more knowledgeable than I would ever have wanted to find out." Peeta cringes and I roll my eyes.

"Ugh… that doesn't sound good." I saw and scoot so I am closer to him.

"Ready for bed?" he asks as he lays down on the bed and beckons me to follow him.

"Definitely, after all that!" I yawn to prove my point. Lay down next to him putting my head on his chest, it is my favorite place to sleep and never ceases to make me feel relaxed and happier. "I wish she hadn't interrupted us though…" I say quietly.

"We have lots of time for that Katniss…plus you know, I learned some things from Haymitch and I think we may not have been the most prepared…" his words are reasonable and I kiss his cheek.

"Still…it felt so good to be so close to you…we need to make out with our shirts off more often I think." I hide my face back in his check embarrassed at my words.

"Now that we can agree on." He leans down and kisses the top of my head and then whispers into my hair "I love you Katniss, I love you so much and I am here, now and always."

I smile against his shirt and clutch him to me tightly, "Me too Peeta, always, I want to be here with you like this, every night, forever."

I can feel his smile as he kisses my forehead again.


	32. Chapter 32

The train pulls slowly into District 4 and I can see the sea between the buildings, I haven't been in the water since the Quell and I wonder what it will feel like now, without danger so close by. Peeta has been anxious all afternoon, looking forward to seeing Finnick and Annie again, though I suspect that seeing little Finn is what he is more looking forward to. As soon as the train comes to a stop he is on his feet and walking towards the door. At the same time there is a loud knock and when he opens the door Effie is standing in the hallway, schedule in one hand, the other on her hip.

"Well!" she seems surprised at the speed he responded to her knock "Ready to go then?" she seemed to know the answer to the question before he asked it.

Peeta gave her one of his wide grins and nodded eagerly "Yes, definitely."

I stood from my spot on the couch and walked up behind him, "Ready."

"Ok then… let's go!" Effie sounded like a general leading her troops, ever since Haymitch came she's been back to her old self, I can't say I wouldn't mind it if she stayed distracted and a bit disorganized.

We follow her off of the train and unto the platform, Haymitch trails behind us scanning the crowd.

"Over here! Over here!" I can hear Annie's voice but can't find them in the crowd.

Peeta hears her as well and has a better eye then me as he points in the direction of the sound and walks quickly towards it until we're standing in front of the Odair family.

Annie wraps her arms around me tightly "Oh Katniss…it's so good to see you…you have no idea." She buries her head into my hair and I smile at her reaction.

"I missed you too Annie, you look amazing." She pulled away from me and smiled shyly. It is true though, for a woman who recently gave birth you could hardly see any signs of that, her shape had come back and her complexion was smooth and her hair shiny.

I bend down in front of Annie to the stroller that sat next to her. Inside little Finn was quiet, seemly asleep. "How is this little guy?" I ask.

"Oh he's a great baby!" she says in her soft voice "Didn't give us a lick of sleep for the first few weeks, but it's much better now."

Finnick beams at his wife, "Oh yes…much better…only wakes up once or twice instead of on the hour, every hour." He laughs "Strong boy we've got here though, he loves the water."

Peeta seems surprised, "He's swimming already."

Finnick rolls his eyes and says sarcastically, "Oh yea…he knows all his strokes." Peeta's mouth falls slightly open "No you fool….we just let him go in with us to splash around a little, get him used to it…he's still an infant of course he can't swim!" his voice is good natured and clearly joking.

"Oh…" is all Peeta can say as Finnick punches him gentle in the arm.

"Shall we go?" Finnick asks us.

We both nod enthusiastically before following him and Annie.

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It's our second day here and we sit with Finnick on the back porch of his small home facing the beach and water. Peeta is poised with a pen and paper ready to take notes as Finnick is going to tell us his story, what happened in the years after his games. I have a feeling this will be difficult to listen to and I sit on the second step down from the top and hug my knees to my chest.

"Well… I am not sure where to start Finnick, I know this is hard, the Capitol did so many evil and awful things."Peeta took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly; Finnick didn't look bothered at all. "So tell us, what happened after you won your Games."

Finnick nodded slowly and settled further into the chair he was sitting on before beginning, "Well right after the Games I would think that my life was like yours after your Games. I was sent home after being repaired and having my scars erased. My family and I moved into my new home in Victor's Village and I tried to settle back into life here. A few months later, not even enough time for me to get back into a routine it was time for the Victory Tour. It was during my visit to the Capitol on the tour that I learned the Capitol was not finished with me, that winning the Games hadn't freed me from their control."

Peeta nodded, "Seems to be a recurring theme with the Capitol… we all think that if you survive the Games that you're going to have a great life, that you can do what you want….but it doesn't work like that."

"No it doesn't" Finnick agreed "Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to be killed during the Games, at that point at least they have to be done with you. A victor they can toy with for their entire life however."

This time I chime in, "I don't know if it would have been better…" I glance towards the water where Annie and his son relax in the sand.

"Oh of course I am glad that I am here and have them, but I mean the impression we all had before we went into the Games, that if we won that we would get to live a happy and comfortable life, never having to worry about money or working again. Part of that is true, but instead of worrying about feeding yourself there's the constant threats from the Capitol and the strings attached to winning."

I shuddered, "I think I know what you mean…they couldn't let us just live our lives afterwards, we had to live it the way they wanted."

'Right, and if you didn't then the safety of your family would be at risk. They knew how to get at each one of us, they knew the people we cared about most and that was who they threatened harm to if they did not comply." He looked down sadly. "It's what happened to my mother and father, my younger sister…it's why I have no family left, well other than Annie and Finn."

This surprises me, I had never heard him speak about his family of origin, I feel badly that I never ask people about that kind of thing. He must have come from somewhere of course, but it never came up. "How old was your sister?" I practically whisper.

He hears me and answers in a lowered tone, unlike his usually happy-go-lucky attitude, "She was seven when they killed her."

His words send a chill down my spine and I nod, not knowing what to say, "I'm so sorry…." The words seem meaningless to me, but I wanted to say something.

He smiles slightly and continues "Well while I was at the Capitol during the Ball they always host President Snow got me alone." He swallowed hard "And he pointed out an older woman dancing in the middle of the dance floor. He wanted me to…go home with her." He closed his eyes remember the incident, the pained expression on his face hurt me and I looked away from him. "I refused."

"How did he take that?" Peeta asks and I try to envision the scene, Snow did not take no for an answer.

"Not well. He threatened me if I didn't take her to bed, told me that was what I was going to have to do in order to keep myself alive. I told him that I didn't care if I was alive or not and walked off." He shifts in his chair. "That was a mistake of course; he learned that he couldn't control me using threats on my own life."

"Oh no…." Peeta's eyes grew wide and we both knew where this was going.

"Right." Finnick confirmed our suspicions. "After I got home he came to visit me to see if I would change my mind but I was bull headed and I was cocky…I figured the worse thing they could do to me was to kill me and I didn't care about that. But it turns out I was wrong, there were worse things then death."

"Your family…" I trail off.

"They took my father first…shot him in the town square for some minor infraction, fishing outside the allowable hours is what they said, but really it was Snow, showing me that he was boss, that he controlled everything and that life could become worse than death for me. He came to visit again shortly after to drive the point home, he told me that if I continued to refuse to serve my purpose that my mother and sister were next."

I gasp and shoot him a sympathetic look. "That's horrible Finnick!" I tried to think about how I would feel, my father had died but to have your father executed because of your actions was different. The guilt, it would consume me. His always sunny disposition seems even more remarkable after hearing that.

"So I went back to the Capitol with him and did as he asked, I spent the night with 3 different women on that trip. Apparently it wasn't enough, he was unhappy with my performance and when I got home both my sister and my mother were gone. They disappeared and were officially 'missing persons' but I knew better, I knew it was the Capitol who took them away from me."

"They were gone?" Peeta asks in surprise.

"Yes…I got off the train and no one was there to meet me. When I finally made it home the house was empty, but all of their things were still there. The table was set for breakfast, glasses half full of milk and the plates still with food half eaten on them. My mother's purse was still on the counter, she never would have left home willing without it."

Peeta shakes his head, "They came and took her…."

"They must have." Finnick nods "A few days letter I got another visit from Snow. He told me that I had better learn to be more enthusiastic and happy around his clients, if I didn't Annie may just disappear as well. She was all I had left at that point, so I forced myself to watch the awful romance movies that the Capitol women all love to learn what it was they wanted, so that I could become good at….being a whore." He spat out the last part of his sentence, cringing and glanced towards Annie with his eyes dark with anger.

"It's not like you had any choice…" I want to make him feel better but I have no idea how.

"Yes well, I become good at what they had me doing and I spent the rest of the years, until the Quell, being sold to the Capitol women, unfortunately I was quite popular." A small smile returned to his face. "I know that in Panem I was known as someone who ran around, a gigolo who enjoyed being with so many women, but my heart was in one place only." He turns his head towards his wife and smiled again. "The entire time I was with those Capitol women I was thinking about going home to find her there."

"I am glad she was always there….safe at home." I add, trying to imagine being forced to do something to vile to save the one I loved, I think I would have broken, there is no way I could survive as well as he had.

"Well she might have been at home, but I am not sure she was ever really safe." Finnick added quietly. "Do you know why Annie has been the way she is?"

Peeta and I shake our heads

"Well after she won her Games she just fell apart from the things she has seen, done, and seen others do. She couldn't handle it. The Capitol tried to put her back together, the way they put all of us back together but they couldn't do it. Her body healed fine but her mind was never right again. Over the years she has gotten better, but I am not sure she will ever be whole again."

Peeta frowned, "What's wrong with her mind?"

Finnick looked back over at her; she was tickling Finn in the sand and laughing in a child like manner. He smiled softly and went on, "You see her mind find a way to split itself, to compartmentalize her thoughts and memories in order to protect her from the things she was seeing and doing. Afterwards they couldn't put the pieces back together to make her whole again. It happens less and less but she goes into this catatonic state, where she doesn't move, she doesn't talk and she doesn't react, it was a defense mechanism to keep her grief and pain away after the games. Another part of her kicks in when she's scared, when there is a lot of noise or commotion, this is when she covers her ears, rocks back and forth, and basically goes into hysterics."

I look over at Annie, she looks so happy now but I can picture the scene with her crying hysterically rocking back and forth, her hands over her ears. "The war must have been so hard on her."

"It was, but I can usually pull her out of her moods. Ever since Finn came into our lives it has almost gone away. She's a wonderful mother, so focused and attentive. I think she's getting stronger for him."

Peeta nods and follows my gaze to Annie and her son, "I was worried about how she would handle it but she seems like a natural. Lucky kid to have two parents who love him so much."

With Finnick's story done we get up and head towards the beach, to where Annie and Finn happily play together.

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The sand feels so soft under my toes, it's the first time I have ever been near the ocean and I can taste the salt in the air. Peeta and I are walking along the beach, our hands intertwined and our pace slow.

"It's amazing out here." Peeta murmurs, his eyes looking out to the water as the sun slowly makes it's way down to the horizon.

"Yes…amazing" I agree.

Peeta stops us in our tracks and spins me towards him quickly wrapping both of his arms around my waist and kissing the top of my forehead. "Not as amazing as you."

I groan from the corniness "Right…." but he doesn't seem to mind and pulls back from me holding me at arms distance.

He lets go of me and walks a few steps backwards as I eye him curiously. He stares at me for a long moment and I wonder if he will ever say anything. "Katniss…I want to remember you just like this. The color of the sun, the beautiful orange lighting up the clouds in the background…I want to see this when I close my eyes." He closes his eyes and is silent for another long moment. "Yes this is perfect."

He comes back I smile at him, understanding what he means. "Yes…this is perfect."

He holds me loosely around the shoulders and leans down excruciating slowly to kiss my cheek, then the other. He trails kisses all along my jaw line and my forehead until I am straining to reach his lips with mine. Finally he takes my chin in one of his hands and lifts my lips to his. I feel the electricity where we make contact but too soon he pulls back from me.

I don't know what comes over me but suddenly I feel giddy and I grab him around the waist and pull him down to the sand with me. I lay him back and put my head on his chest. I can't help but laugh and find I can't stop myself.

"What?" he asks me as a broad smile forms on his face.

I lean over and kiss him, and when I finally release his lips I answer, "I never thought I'd see this." I gesture to the ocean "I can't believe we're here…we can go anywhere…wherever we want…." I lay back against the sand and close my eyes. "But I am already in my favorite place."

"Is this your favorite place?" he asks me, surprised.

I nod, "This is my favorite place." I drape my arm over his stomach and kiss him again, this time much deeper. "you are my favorite place….wherever we are as long as it is together."


	33. Chapter 33

**OK – I suck at writing so I am not sure how to move this forward to District 11 gracefully…so…yea. And my apologies if this is beginning to sound weird…I have been reading Twilight for the first time (Yes, I am so embarrassed) so it's kind of in my head.**

_The ground beneath me is saturated with moisture as I sit across from Rue dividing up our meager food and supplies. As always she has a smile on her face and it's hard not to think of Prim when I look at her, their child-like innocence is so similar. I don't know how Rue can smile when she knows she faces death every minute she spends in this arena, but she doesn't look scared. But I am scared for her. I want to send her home to her family, she is too young, 12 is too young for the arena._

"_Whatcha think about Katniss?" She asks me in her sing-song voice, musical to my ears, a look of genuine curiosity on her face._

_There's no way I can tell her that I am thinking about our, possibly imminent, death so I shrug, "Not much really… just not sure what we should do from here. Pretty soon the others are going to come looking for us." This was true, the Career pack was known for hunting down the survivors after the bloodbath and killing them to reduce the field._

"_Oh…" she says simply and stares off into the distance. "I know I am not going to make it out of here" she states plainly, as if it were simply any other fact._

_I swallow a large lump in my throat, the thought of her death sends a wave of pain through my chest and I find it hard to take in enough air for a few moments. "No Rue… you can't think like that… you need to make it home."_

_She shakes her head and smiles, placing a hand on my arm, "No Katniss… I know I won't."_

_I am about to argue with her again but she just shakes her head. I place my other hand on the one she is touching me with and we sit in silence for several minutes listening to the forest._

"_Besides" she giggles and it sounds like bells quietly ringing "I'm already dead…"_

_She begins to wither in front of me, a fire starting in her chest and consuming her. I stare in horror and fumble on the ground searching for my water, I need to put her out._

_But she just smiles and whistles the short tune she taught me from her District. "Remember me" she whispers before she becomes fully engulfed in flames._

_I try to suppress my screams, aware of the dangers I face if found but I can't help myself. "Oh Rue…Rue…" I cry over her sobbing and gasping for air. I fall on all fours in front of the pile of ashes the fire turned her into. "It's too soon…. too soon" I murmur into my hands._

I feel myself being shaken and after a few minutes I am aware of my surroundings. I am on my compartment, on the train. Peeta is sitting up next to me, a concerned look on his face and both arms clenched around me tightly. I try to calm myself down by taking big breaths and letting them out slowly. Of course it was just a dream. The way she really died was much more horrifying then that. She was dead the moment she was reaped really, but I had wanted to save her, sending such a young child to their death seems so unfair to me.

"Nightmare?" he asks me, he eyes me, the tears still streaming down my face, worriedly.

I nod, "Yes…. Rue again…." I don't need to explain to him, saying her name tells him everything. I have dreamed of her dying so many times.

"It's understandable tonight, heading to 11 and everything. Do you think you'll be OK with this?" as always he is anxious about my mental stability.

"Yes I think so… I have to do this… I owe it to her…I owe it to the rest of Panem. We're so close, we have to finish this." I try to imagine facing Rue's family. "Are we…are any of them…." I jumble my words, I can't make the words form in my mouth and I stare at Peeta with a pleading look.

"Oh… yes… 2 sisters and the mother…we planned to meet with them…but we don't have to."

I shake my head rigorously "No I want to…I need to…" I wonder how they will feel seeing me again.

I sit up and wrap my arms around my chest. Peeta scoots closer to me and wraps an arm around my shoulder, "Katniss…to them you're a hero, you tried to save her, you gave her everything you had, you loved her…they know that. She didn't die alone and you honored her when she went. They knew she wasn't coming back."

The lump in the back of my throat broke free with a loud sob as the tears begin to flow down my face. "You think they knew she was going to die?" the thought was so painful…my family at least had hope I might come back, it must have been awful watching, knowing there was no hope.

He answered in a low voice, not wanting to say something to upset me more. "Yes Katniss… she was 12….not strong, no special skills or strengths…I think they knew."

I nod and try to get my breathing back under control. Peeta sits by me silently rubbing a hand comfortingly on my back. I could feel the train stopping and I raised my eyes to meet his. "We're here…"

Peeta nods, "Yes… now or never…and remember…you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If this is too much for you…" he didn't finish the sentence but I know that he would do anything I needed or wanted, but there was no way I could back out of this. I couldn't pretend Rue's presence wasn't in this district.

"No… I am going to see them, I need to see them, to see Rue through them." I stand up as the train stops with a jolt.

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The trees are in full bloom at this time of year and Peeta and I walk hand in hand through the orchard on our way to the small house on the hills. In our days here in 11 we've seen so much that we'd never known about. There were so many types and kinds of fruits growing, many we'd never seen before. It is difficult to be in a sullen mood here, surrounded by the sweet scent of the fruit laden trees and Peeta picks up on my lifted spirits.

"Feeling better about this?" he smiles

I shrug and offer him a smile in return, "I think so… I am nervous… to look in their faces and to see her in them…" I don't finish the thought but I can tell he understands as he gives my hand a reassuring squeeze.

As we near the doorstep we grow quiet and I position myself slightly behind Peeta while he rings their bell. They were expecting us and the door open right away. Inside stood a woman, about my mother's age, her hair is the same color as Rue's was and her eyes had the same joyful quality.

"Come in come in… so glad you're here!" she ushers us into the house, the tone of her voice tells me she really is happy to see me.

We are led to a table in the room next to the kitchen where two younger girls sit. They have her freckles and impish smiles, I take in a long breath to calm myself before sitting.

"Thank you so much for having us…for talking with us…I know this must be difficult." Peeta says, always so much better with words than I am.

"Gladly Peeta, Katniss is quite highly revered in these parts." She smiles at me and pours tea for the table. The girls nod at their mother's words but remain silent. "When I heard you were coming I really hoped you would stop here…the Victory Tour we didn't really get a chance to thank you for giving my baby some peace and dignity."

I cringed remembering the scene, Rue was dying in my arms and I sang to her, her face was peaceful as if she was trying to reassure me, as if she didn't fear her death at all. When there was no life left in her body I gathered the flowers nearby and scattered them on her body, trying to make take the ugliness out of the situation, to give her a final moment of beauty before she was picked up with a claw on a hovercraft like a piece of meat. Thinking about that moment makes my heart ache.

"Rue was my oldest, she was such a joy from the time she was a baby until….well you know. She was the first one to go into the reaping of the kids, and thankfully the last thanks in part to you." She paused and smiled at the two of us, it still makes me uncomfortable to be thanked for the war. "Anyhow, the day of the reaping we were worried of course, but her name was in just one time as it was her first year and we didn't truly think it would be her who was chosen."

"Just like Prim I whispered" I shivered thinking of my little sister, at her first reaping. I was certain she would be safe but I was so wrong.

"Yes…who could have thought a 12 year old with her name in only once…" she turned her eyes to her remaining daughters and gave them a reassuring smile. "No one volunteered, of course I didn't expect it, but we were devastated."

"I'm sure." Peeta added in squeezing my hand in an attempt to comfort me, this was not going to be a happy story.

"When they let us visit I was amazed at how cheerful she was, she tried to comfort us but I felt so guilty, she was the one being sent away….away to her death." She swallowed hard and tears brimmed on the corner of her eyes.

"But she couldn't have known that….you couldn't have known…." I sputtered, not making my point at all clear. "She could have… she could have come home…was there really no hope?"

Her face took on a serene quality as she smiles softly at me, "We wanted more than anything in the world for her to come home to us, to be able to hug her again, to hear her whistle the closing down tune. But we knew." She shook her head with sadness "that it was a death sentence for her. Our sweet, friendly and trusting girl was not meant to last in the arena, not against the tributes who've trained since they were babies."

I know her words are true but I find it hard to accept. "Did you watch?" my morbid curiosity kicked in.

"Yes…we watched every minute of it. It was horrifying but we knew it was the last glimpse we would have of her." She paused and looked down again. "Until she came home to us in a box that is."

At this the tears I had been holding back escaped my eyes and I wiped them away, annoyed at my inability to contain my emotions. Peeta stroked small circles into the back of my hand but it did little to soothe me. "It was so unfair that she had to go…" I didn't know the words to express my deep sorrow. "She reminded me so much of Prim…"

The girls stood and quietly came up behind me to stand on either side of me. They each but a hand gently on my shoulders and I looked across the table at their mother. "It was unfair…it is unfair anyone had to do. The Games were sick and senseless, somehow entertainment for the people of the Capitol." She spit out, her disgust with the Capitol people not hidden at all.

Peeta nods, "Yes, sick… how could they sit by and watch children kill other children?" the question doesn't have an answer so we sit there in silence for a moment.

"I have no idea…it was hard enough to watch the Games without your child fighting for their lives but with her on the television it was almost unbearable. When she found you" she looks over at me "we were so relieved, she wasn't alone anymore. We still knew she wasn't coming home but at least you could her with whatever time she had left."

"I never thought of it like that…." I had wanted to send her home, at the cost of myself but I was enraged that she had been sent to begin with. Her delicate face and happy spirit did not deserve to die such a horrid death.

"We could tell… but what more could you have done?" her eyes glossed over and I could tell she was reliving the scene of her daughter's death. "You sang to her and the look of contentment and peace of her face was unforgettable, it will be imprinted on my mind forever. No one can be happy when they are dying of course, but you made her as comfortable, safe, and loved as she could have been in that moment." The tears finally spilled down her cheeks and the two girls standing behind me rushed over to comfort her.

"I tried…." I answered back quietly "I did what I could, I wish I could have done more, I wish I could have brought her home to you." I left out a sob and Peeta dropped my hand and put his arm around my waist, squeezing me closer.

She reached her hand across the table to take mine and together we sat crying for the lost girl in silence.

"I know Katniss, we all know. It was clear that you loved her like your own sister. You protected her as much anyone could have." She sighed softly. "At least you made the time she had left better. She wasn't alone anyone once you found each other. She hated being alone."

I nodded, I didn't know about her aversion to being without someone else but it made sense, she was so bubbly and nice, even when faced with such a dire situation. Her last comments had made me feel slightly better, but nothing could ever take away the sadness and hurt completely.

"What happened when we were here during the Victory Tour?" I remembered the scene well, the citizens of the district has honored me with the sign from 12 and when we were being pulled from the stage we'd heard gunshots ring out in the square.

She pressed her lips tightly together into a straight line before answering, "My husband and next oldest daughter…they wanted to make an example of them. They shot them with no warning but it didn't stop the others, they kept their arms up until we saw the train pull away."

"I'm so sorry." Peeta had hoped the shots weren't for anyone in her family but it's now clear that they were. "I'm sorry isn't enough I know… it won't bring them back… I wish, I wish things had been different."

Wiping the last of her tears from her face she managed a tight smile, "We all do. But without the war and you doing what you did….the Games would still be going on and every year we'd be in more and more danger."

She was right of course, no more reapings would ever happen but it came at such a great cost.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

On the last day Peeta and I walk around the District admiring the trees in full bloom and the people bustling quickly around the small square.

"This reminds me of home" Peeta turns to me and waves a hand towards the store fronts. "Small and not too crowded."

I nod, "Yes…it does remind me of 12. I can't believe we'll be there in just a day or two." I shake my head trying to imagine what it would feel like to be there again. "I wonder if it will still feel like home?"

Peeta nods firmly, "Yes I think it always will feel that way, to me at least. I wonder how the rebuilding is going there. We're supposed to stay in one of our old houses."

"Hmm… that's going to be weird…we've not slept there since we left for the Quell. I wonder if they cleaned it out or just left everything?" I was thinking of all my sister's things, of Peeta's painting, and the dresses I kept in the basements. I don't know if I want reminders of my past life.

"I don't know… I guess we'll find out soon enough." He answers me.

"What if I don't want to leave?" its entirely possible that once I am there I will be disinclined to leave.

"Then we'll stay for as long as you want, forever if you want that."

"And what if I can't take the sight of the place?" I cringe, this is the reaction I am most scared of.

"Then we leave the first second we can. Katniss…." He stops on the sidewalk and takes me by both arms. "Why do you worry about these things? You can't control them, so there is no sense stressing out about it."

He sounds so logical, "I know…I know….it's just I wish everything was back to normal…I am scared that home will never feel like home again. What if I don't belong anywhere? What if…"

I am about to continue with my litany of fears and worries but Peeta stops my lips with him. I pull back slightly and utter a quick "Oh!" before his lips are on mine again, full of hunger and his hands run up and down my back.

"You'll always belong somewhere…." He murmurs into my hair.

"Oh yea?" I wonder where that place is.

"Well… as long as you'll have me….wherever we are together is where you belong…don't you think?"

I lean up and kiss him, letting my fingers linger in his hair. "Mmmm… well if you put it that way…" I grin, suddenly happier then I have felt during the entire visit. "You're right, long as I have you…."


	34. Chapter 34

**So – it's been 2 years. I have always wanted to go back and write this story. The longer I waited the harder it became to finish. But, I hate it when authors leave stories unfished, so I am determined not to do that myself.**

**I must warn you – that I now realize how crappy my grammar/spelling/word usage was/is. I hope what I am writing now is slightly better now that it is at least reread a time or two and not posted without a reread. However, I suck at comma usage, dialogue punctuation, and a lot of other kind of writing no-nos. I apologize if it is distracting, but I can at least promise to try!**

That night, on the train ride to 12 I can't sleep at all. After tossing and turning for a few hours I finally get out of bed and walk down to the dining car. The train sways slightly from side to side as it races towards my old home but is otherwise silent. I sit down and cross my legs on one of the leather couches in the luxurious car and watch the night outside race by.

I close my eyes and allow my mind to drift off into memories of other rides of this train, and most of them are with Peeta. Before the war the people of the Districts never traveled on the trains for any positive reason. The trains carried Peacekeepers and officials to the Districts and rarely took residents to the Capitol and never took us between the Districts to visit. Riding on the train was not a good thing; it usually meant you were a tribute being sent your death in the arena.

_I make my way quietly to the dining car, hearing the low sound of voices inside. I appear in the doorway and spot a table laden with food, a gruff looking older man and a bright pink haired woman standing off to the side, and Peeta, sitting quietly at the table and looking down at his plate. I make my way across the room, take a seat across from him and follow his lead, staring intently at the china plate in front of me._

_Effie makes her way over to the table and sits down on my right while Haymich plops down on my left. "Well, such an honor for you two to be here, it's all a little overwhelming I'm sure." I look up at her words and my eyes meet Peeta's for a moment before I roll them as high as they will go. It's such an honor to go off to kill and be killed for the entertainment of others. She seems to truly believe that this is such a great thing, for us to have been chosen, I think that she must be out of her mind._

"_Eat up you two; we want to make sure you're in good health when you arrive. I can't have you going into the arena as thin as you are now." Effie throws a look at me and clicks her tongue on the roof of her mouth, producing a tsking sound. Her eyes belay both pity and disgust, and anger rises up within me making my face feeling hot. How dare she judge me for being too thin? I'm thin because the Capitol does not provide us with enough food to eat, we're malnourished on purpose._

_Peeta has decided to ignore her little speech and has dug into the spread before us. I am not sure how he can eat right now; we're pigs being fattened up before being sent to slaughter. I know he hasn't lived the life I have, being from the town he grew up slightly better off than me, but how can he not feel disgust at them giving us this feast on this one way train ride to our death?_

I shake myself out of the memory, but the anger at Effie and the Capitol still burns within me. And it hits me, Peeta likely did feel the same things as I had, but he ignored them and made the best of the situation. That's what he always did, no matter how dire the circumstances he would find something good, something to cling on to. While I tended to base my mood, decisions, and actions on the worst case scenario or the most awful thing currently happening, Peeta was just the opposite. He always looked for the good, he always talks about what was going right first, and as a result was the more gregarious of the two of us.

I realize how thankful I should be to have him with me. There are many days where I could pull myself into a pit of despair I don't think I could crawl out but he is right there and he won't let me. He's the reason I am here in this place, taking on this tremendous task, and he is responsible for helping me keep myself together as well as I have. What would I do without him by my side? I did not know, and I don't want to find out.

Feeling sleepy and tired at last I get up from the couch and make my way down the hall and back to the sleeping car. I open the door and tip toe in, barely able to see Peeta's outline in the darkness. I crawl in next to him and snuggle my body against his as he lets out a sigh of contentment before rolling towards me and wrapping an arm over my waist.

The morning comes quickly, and before I realize it the train is slowing down as it gets close to the station in 12. I look at Peeta in panic but his face is a mask of calm as he reaches a hand towards one of mine to provide me with comfort. I smile as I realize how often he is the one to calm me down and to help hold me together. Whenever I am about to panic here is right there, grounding me in the moment.

"It's going to be okay Katniss", he gives my hand a squeeze, "these people want to see you, and they've been waiting for this since we started our little tour." I take a few deep breathes to calm myself. It's easier with the physical contact between us and I squeeze his hand back.

I pull my other hand to my head and I rake it through my loose hair. I am sure he's right and I am going to face a welcome reception here. I find it hard to imagine that whoever remains feel anything but hate for me. So many people are dead, so many houses and buildings destroyed. 12 was hit first and was hit hardest after the breakout, and I can't help but feel that these people's losses are my fault, that the death that happened here is on my plate. The moment I failed to die during the first game, these people were in danger.

"I know what you're thinking and don't" he pulls he to look at him, "you're blaming yourself for the bombings here, for the actions of the Capitol, and you can't." he places his other hand on my elbow and shakes me slightly. "You just can't Katniss. None of this is your fault. You can't blame yourself for what the Capitol and Snow decided to do, and I know that no one who is waiting for us here blames us." He make a lot of sense. Anyone who did hate me or blame wouldn't be likely to come to my welcome home reception.

"Thank you." I lean my head against him shoulder and wish I had something more to say to him, something more meaningful. I want to know how grateful I really feel to have him here with me. "I mean it Peeta, there is no way I could ever do this without you." I face him and try to convey my seriousness with my eyes.

" Oh Katniss" he smiles, "you could do anything." He misunderstands my sentiment, and suddenly I know where my error is.

"No, you don't understand. I wouldn't want to do this without you." He raises his eyebrows in surprise. "I just, I want to have you with me, to be where you are…to…" I begin to babble, unable to put words to my feelings as usual. "I'm just glad you're here Peeta." That statement doesn't come close to what I want to say but it will have to do as the train slows to a stop.

Peeta leans down towards me, his hot breath moving over my skin, as he whispers, "I think I know what you mean Katniss." He closes the gap between us and places a gentle kiss to my lips, then he moves only far enough away to tell me, "I love you so much Katniss."

He pulls back from me as he train jerks to a stop and Effie and Haymitch hurry unto the car to see us out to the platform.

"Ready?" Effie is as chirper as ever. "The townspeople are really looking forward to this, they've been waiting for a long time."

That is a relief; she's seen the crowd and it doesn't consist of an angry mob that is out to get me. Peeta lets go of my elbow but keeps a tight hold on my hand. The train doors open and in an instant we are walking out on to the platform, hand in hand.

The loud cheers of the crowd startle me, as me and Peeta raise or free hands to wave at the crowd. After getting my bearings I start to see people I recognize in the crowd. There is Delly and her younger brother, Greasy Sae and her granddaughter, Leevy, and Thom. I breathe a sigh of relief a sigh of relief, most of the survivors from 12 have moved back from 13 after the war ended. I know many of the people in the crowd, these people were my classmates, neighbors, and friends before this entire mess had begun.

Effie grabs my elbow and guides us off to the side of the platform where a reporter and camera man wait and nods to them. "OK, I thought we'd get an interview in right away and then let you head to Peeta's old house right afterwards." She glances at me with concern, "is that going to be alright?"

I look at Peeta who is waiting for my reaction and nod, "it's okay with me." He always makes sure I am OK with a situation, something I often took for granted.

Effie smiles and steps aside for the reporter.

"Carmen Long, correspondent for the Panem Insider." She thrusts her hand out towards me and I shake it, this ritual is repeated with Peeta before she continues. "It is a pleasure to meet the two of you and get to witness your home coming. " Her grin is wide and genuine, and her demeanor makes me feel slightly more at ease.

"Thank you." Peeta smiles graciously, slipping into the cheery public persona that he seems to have perfected.

Carmen nods and starts right in on her questions, "I have to ask, how are you feeling about this homecoming?"

"It feels great, we're truly happy to be back here with our neighbors and friends. I see many new people as well and I am looking forward to meeting them as well. I am glad that so many people have come back, and that other people have chosen to move here."

Carmen nods and waves at the camera man to get closer to us. "The last time you were here was right after the bombings. What are you hoping has happened in the meanwhile?"

"Well, I know these people and they are hardy folks. I hope to see that their lives have gone on and that rebuilding is happening all over the District. More than anything I hope to see that life is better for people now than it was before the war. "

I nod along with him and add "that's really the most important thing to me, I want to know that things are actually better here. " I normally don't say very much and Peeta looks down at me and gives me an encouraging smile. It's what I want for these people more than anything. That all the suffering, destruction, and loss have led to a better world for them to live in.

"Are there any places you'd particularly like to see while you're here?" Her genuine curiosity is evident.

"As hard as it will be, we want to see our old homes, but we're not sure if there are still standing or not. Of course I would like to see the bakery, and I am sure Katniss would like to see the Hob. The areas we weren't allowed, outside of the fence, are on the list as well."

I nod along with him, but don't say anything further. I am not sure how I will react if someone else's home is built over the land where my family's home once stood. I had not given much thought to the woods, and now wonder whether the fence was still up around it. Did these people walk around them freely or was it still an off limits area?

"I think you'll find that while a lot has changed around here some things are as they were." Her words are cryptic, but I forget about her tone quickly as she launches into a series of questions that I am happy to let Peeta answer.

Haymitch sits at the wheel of the car and Effie gets in the front, next to him. Peeta and I scoot into the backseat after we get our luggage into the truck and we are off to the Victor's Village. The District speeds along behind us as we make our way to our home and we can see that there is a lot of construction happening and that there are many new homes and buildings that have already sprung up on the newly paved roads.

Haymatch pulls up in front of Peeta's house, "OK kids, here we are." He pulls his door open and after a moment's pause we follow him.

"The cameras and the microphones…." I want to know whether they are gone. I imagine some unknown enemy watching and listening to my every word and interaction and a shiver passes through me. "Are they gone? Has anyone looked?"

Haymith nodded, "Yes, we've had several people with knowledge in this area go through the house and remove and destroy all of the equipment." He keeps speaking before I can interrupt and ask my follow-up question. "There was a lot of it, something in every room and a few things out on the porches and yard. We did my house and yours as well."

I breathe a sigh of relief, "thank you." I knew that he would know how important this was to me.

Peeta takes my hand again and tugs me towards the front door. "Ready to do this?" he pauses so he can regard me carefully, always making sure I'm OK.

I nod firmly, "As long as I'm with you Peeta." And it's true. With him I can do and handle anything. Having him by me makes me strong, even when faced with walking into the house that holds so many painful memories for me.


End file.
